worth the wait.

Obviously I couldn't come up with something legit to write about yesterday. Waiting until today was a brilliant idea. I have a decent (if strange) topic to blog about.

I needed to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart (why, oh why is Target so far away?!) last night. Apparently I should have just gone to Target during my lunch break because my local store is apparently where all the creep status people hang out at night.

I went in on a mission. Yoga blocks. I grabbed my yoga blocks and several Naked smoothies (um, my absolute FAVORITE!) for the week. I went to the check out and of course all of the quick lanes were closed. I headed to one of the shorter check out lanes and got in line.

There were two people ahead of me, a woman with bleached blonde hair (dark roots, of course) with a shit ton of groceries and a ginger man with groceries as well. I was about to drop the smoothies (I had 2 of the big ones and 3 small ones and no basket) so when the ginger directly in front of me moved up a bit, I sat my drinks on the conveyor.

Apparently to him that meant I wanted to strike up a conversation.

He looked at what I was buying and started talking to me about the drinks. I immediately new this kid was weird. And quite possibly gay (I was relieved when he started talking and I knew he wasn't going to hit on me or ask for my number).

He told me he didn't like one of the flavors I was buying. He went on to tell me about another type of smoothie available that I should try. Blah, blah, blah. I avoided eye contact because he was starting to creep me out. No one should talk THAT much about a smoothie. I mean, I can deal with a short friendly conversation in the line at the supermarket if need be, but I prefer not to talk to anyone.

Finally he stopped talking. I engrossed myself with the gum hoping he would not feel the urge to strike up conversation round two.

I would say 30 seconds went by in silence.

Then he looked at me and said...

"Do you like pickles?"

I know I had the "what the fuck are you talking about?" look on my face. There are not pickles in smoothies. I looked around to see what he was talking about. I then saw that he had pickles in with his groceries, but he had quite a few groceries. It's not like he was just buying a a jar of pickles. I feel like the question came out of left field.

Words failed me. I couldn't come up with a good come back. I couldn't come up with anything. I didn't want to say yes because I didn't want to find out why he was asking. I just said "No." End of conversation.

He took forever to grab his bags. I immediately called Jill because I honestly felt like this guy was going to try and walk me to my car or something.

I'm still flabbergasted by the question. I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out why in the hell you would ask a stranger if they like pickles... Maybe he was going to give me a recipe?

I just don't get it.

What's the dill, pickle?
Rose.

blogging fail.

I've been sitting at my desk trying to figure out what topic I would like to write about today.

I have so many different ideas swirling around in my head (including, but not limited to: sex, Kings of Leon concert, dating (or lack thereof), sex, jail, back packing through Europe in April, sex, needing a change, having my anchor removed, sex).

I've started several different entries but haven't written more than a couple sentences for each.

The words aren't coming out the way I would like them to today.

I'll try again. If something magical happens today, I'll post it.

-Rose

P.S. I think everyone should see "Where the Wild Things Are"

Things is getting crazy!!!

So, I'm sitting here at work playing around (not going to lie, I was playing Farmtown on Facebook) when I get an email from Luke. He's a teacher here in lovely Kentucky. Being a teacher he gets mad emails from other teachers. Apparently teachers are forwarding fools, they will seriously forward anything. He forwarded me something that another teacher had forwarded to him.


Anyway, this email read "OMG. The rain is started...things is getting crazy!" I thought Luke had gone off his rocker, this boy never and I mean never uses poor grammar. I then scrolled down a little, where he said "Don't people know how to speak?!?"


So, I scrolled down a little farther in the email trying to figure out what all this was about. Another teacher had been sent an email from a teacher several hundred miles away in Po-Dunk County, Kentucky that read: "The rain is started all over again!! Things is so crazy around here and so many children are homeless." This email was sent to the entire Po-Dunk County, Kentucky school!!

And this is why people in Kentucky get a bad rep.


I'm assuming the teacher in Po-Dunk looks something like this...

But at least Po-Dunk teacher has compassion for the homeless kids.

<3,>

p.s. I realize I don't use the best grammar, but I'm not mass emailing with this stuff!

smooth

A guy from work, Tommy, has been pestering me to go bar hopping with him for at least a month. I finally gave in and told him I would go out Saturday night if he remembered to send me a text.

Sure enough, Saturday I received a text "Wanna go out tonight?" I figured why the hell not so I called up a work friend Lesley and asked her to go. Plus, earlier that day I bought a new pair of hot sex black patent Guess pumps that needed to have their debut. (I tried to find a picture, but couldn't)

I planned on going home after the night was over. When I picked up Lesley, I told her the plan, I would drink before we left if she would drive, have one drink at the bar and quit for the rest of the night so I could drive her home.

I started drinking and had a bit of a buzz by the time we made it to DownTown BigCity, we went to two sort of upscale bars that are connected. I like more of laid back place, but Tommy wanted to go so we gave in. We get inside and I immediately had to wait about 15 minutes to pee. Then I made my happy, slightly tipsy, self to the bar and ordered my favorite, Gin and Tonic.

Tommy decides he wants to dance. He is off dancing like a fool (no literally, dancing like a fool. He looked like John Travolta during his Saturday Night Fever days). We make our way to the dance portion of the bar. At the corner of the dance floor there was a little box for the bouncers/drunk women to stand on. Trying to act smooth, I was dancing in front of it and decided to step back onto it. Before I took my first step back and up, I looked at Lesley and said "Now this is how it's done."

I didn't make it.

I am not smooth.

I fell forward and twisted my ankle and was caught by a man with an afro and buck teeth. He was an ugly version of the Reading Rainbow guy, afro flat top included. Thank God I didn't break my ankle new heels. It would have been catastrophic.

AfroMan/ReadingRainbow looked at me after the tumble and said "I've been watching you all night and been waiting for a chance to ask you to dance." I looked at him, snarled my nose and pointed down, "Can't dance, I'm hurt."

Then he starts grinding on Lesley. Not only did I feel humiliated for her because I declined the bozo and he went for her, but I felt bad because HE HAD A BONER. Pure class people, pure class.

Your ankle breaker,
Rose

Well, it's time again...

Time for a TMI post. But it's worth it (I think.) Informative and funny. Can't get much better...

So since my hormones have gone all buck nasty crazy with switching birth controls my armpits decided to follow. Yes, ladies and gents, you read it right, Rose here has some sweaty pits. Well, until last weekend.

I had tried seriously everything: Secret, Secret Clinical, some Secret with lotion, Mitchum, Dove, the list goes on. I seriously have about ten deodorants right now that I'll probably never use.

Nothing was cutting it. I was in my second week of wearing jackets that covered up cute shits because of pit stains when I started to get pissed. I was about 2 minutes away from calling the Dr. to get some prescription B.O. Control (Ok, they don't stink, just extra wet but I liked the way B.O. & control rhyme).

Then I got on Walgreens website and did a little searching and the Clouds of Heaven opened up and showed me Certain-Dri. 72 hours of coverage? Seriously, 72 hours without putting it on again? I was sold.

I marched my happy ass to the CVS in town (We don't have a Walgreens in SmallTown). I bought the CVS equivalent, Ultra Dry, since I've spent about $50 on deodorant the past couple weeks. Then I got the Certain-Dri Morning refresher business because why the hell not? I've already dropped what seemed like enough cash for a new iPod.

I got home and read the instructions: Don't use after shaving or bathing. Luck still on my side, I had bathed that morning. I took my shirt off and applied "sparingly."

or so I thought...

After a few minutes my arm pits started to tingle. Moments later my arm pits were starting to get hot. Then it felt like they were on fire. I had put so much on it literally scorched my skin. I had to sleep with my arms out to the side because I couldn't stand fabric on them.

By the next morning I had a chemical burn. Fucking awesome. At least there was no sweat. By that night I still didn't have any sweat. Or the next day. Or the next! Even though I had showered (it doesn't come off!) and shaved! I've used it for a week now and let me just say, it really does work for 3 days.

The moral of the story is : Sparingly = One swipe.

FirePits,
Rose

({*}) For mature audiences only...

EXCUSE ME????
Did I just read that right?
"~*Love your Vagina, Love the Vaginas you meet, Foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina, Be happy with your Vagina ♀*~"

Whoa. Hold up.

So, I've been on www.etsy.com a lot this week. I have to do a bunch of window shopping because I'm broke, so in one of my attempts to fill that shopping void deep within, I began searching for tobacco pouches (I've started rolling my own cigarettes and needed a pouch to put everything in). I click on this cute little pouch that looks like it would work...I was in for a shock.

This pouch most definitely will not work, because it has a huge VAGINA on it, and I think it's a wallet anyway.

I got curious...who on earth would put a vag on a wallet in the first place...oh yeah, that's right the same person who would make Vulva Necklaces, "Happy Uterus" stuffed animals and Vagina Pillows.

If you want to check it out for yourself you can go to Vulva Love Lovely.

Here are some samples of old Vulva Love's mechandise...and don't get too excited, you can most definitely purchase these items, I don't think they flying off the shelves anytime soon.

This may be the first time I have ever seen a "Vagina Pillow", now girls...don't get too excited (or maybe you should)...It has a secret pocket for your vibrator.



Next up is the Vagina Pendant Necklace. If you have a strong gag reflex, I would reccomend scrolling on down...Don't get me wrong, I love my za-za-down-there...but this is quite extreme.


WHO THE FUCK WOULD WEAR THIS AROUND THEIR NECK??????? Seriously, some feminazi really needs to get a life.

And last but definitely not least...Vagina Earrings. Woof.



Am I the only person who finds this to be incredibly weird and awkward?

The incredibly grossed out,
Jill

please remove my finger from your mouth, kind sir.

I just want to share something that happened to me Saturday night that I find extremely strange. And uncomfortable.

Saturday night I bar hopped with several of my friends (my good friend from college that I don't see enough, Tessa, and my co-worker, Leigh and a few other less important people). Good times were to be had (and the liquor was definitely flowing).

We ended up at one of the local Irish pubs. Green beer for St. Patty's (it's the first time I've ever had green beer!), a band with a flute, the whole shebang. Leigh, Tessa and I were talking to some guys I know from high school. Said high school friends introduced me to their friend, Dan, who I would say is in his mid-40s. As soon as I saw him I immediately knew who he was. He is on the police force in my hometown and friends with my Dad.

Rose: "Oh! I know you, I'm D's daughter!"
Dan: What? Oh, wow! I haven't seen you in years, you're all grown up! I just love your parents!

Then he starts talking to the guys from high school, "Rose's father is amazing, she's a great girl. Blah, blah, fucking blah." He was obviously extremely intoxicated. And by extremely intoxicated I mean stumbling around and could not focus his eyes.

This is where it gets really fucking strange and uncomfortable.

So Dan grabs my hand. I thought he was going to shake it or something but then he starts moving it towards his face. I just figured he was going to kiss my hand, strange, but whatever. But no...

The mother fucker bit my finger.

One minute I'm talking to him thinking he's gonna kiss my hand and the next thing I know he has my pointer finger in his mouth and he's biting away. He literally had over half of my finger in his mouth. On top of that he bit me pretty fucking hard. Who does that?!

I don't really remember what happened after that. Partly because I was drunk and partly because I was in shock. All I know is I had a bite mark on my finger. I have no clue if I was all "Dude, why are you biting my finger?" or "What the fuck are you doing, you ass cobra?" or I just sat there and took it while he used my finger as his personal raw-hide bone. All I do know is that after he bit my finger I didn't see him the rest of the night. He just disappeared.

Of course as soon as I got home the next morning I had to tell my Mom and Dad about Dan biting my finger. Like me, they had no words. I'm still in utter disbelief that someone bit my finger at a bar.

Not your chew toy,
Rose

barry manilow.

I'm back from my blogging hiatus. I just needed some time for myself. So this is kind of a pointless post just to say Hi and I'm back! However, you, our dear readers are in luck! I'm going to tell you something funny and slightly humiliating!

So I needed to channel all of my hurt, anger, loneliness, etc. into something but couldn't figure out what to do. I sure as fuck wasn't going to do laundry or clean. So I went to Wal-Mart and while aimlessly wandering around I remembered the button flower bouquets I saw at a vintage store. Needless to say, I bought every single button in the store.

I seriously started putting in hours of time into these suckers. As in I made an entire bouquet, didn't like it, took it apart and started over. I even bought a box for organization and spent 2 hours organizing by color.

Here is a button flower is for those who don't know:
Those are some I found on google. I was actually going to take a picture of the ones I made, but my camera is dead. Bummer.


ANYWAY

I decided I needed to download some sappy sad breakup songs for the occasion. I decided on some sweet tunes by Barry Manilow because, well, there isn't anything much more depressing (plus I had seen a news article similar to this earlier in the day).

Then I started to notice the strange pop-ups for some AdVirus2009 business.

I ended up with a computer virus from a Barry Manilow song.

Specifically, I ended up with a virus from Barry Manilow's song "I Can't Smile Without You." A song I had never even heard. I was just going to download "Mandy" or something of the sorts but when I saw the title I was all "Oh! That song will be PERFECT!"

You can quit laughing at me now

FML. Really? Barry EFFING Manilow? I think the only way the situation could have been worse would have been getting the virus from Barney's "I Love You."

And can we just take a moment to talk about how creepy Mr. Barry Manilow is? His skin is so taught.

Apparently Barry Manilow is to facelifts & botox what Michael Jackson is to nose jobs & skin bleaching.

<3,
Not a Fanilow,
Rose

P.S. I figured out how to stop the pop-ups so I'm thinking I'm in the clear for now. Next time I'm going for Celine Dion.

The ULTIMATE Stink-Eye

While in college Rose and I frequented a certain, incredibly trashy local bar called Cheers. This bar is attached to a gas station! You really can't get any more trashy...oh wait, except at this bar you can. The people who go to this bar include "bounty hunters" who drive around freezer trucks just in case they end up needing to store things at a low temperature (I'm just saying that I really think they killed people), truckers, dirty men and even dirtier women. And it wasn't a rare occurrence to find someone snorting a line of coke in the bathroom or smoking a joint out back on the patio. The po-po would make nightly stops at this bar...they were always rolling up in there!

However, Cheers was where Rose and I went about once a week. We loved it. There was no reason to get all gussied up, we would walk in with our jeans and t-shirts with no make-up on and still look absolutely gorgeous in comparison to the people around us. If either of our parents had found out that we were going to this bar, our asses would have been grass.
We also made friends with the bartender, who would make us free drinks all night long. Rarely did I ever spend more than like $5 there.

Anyway, once Rose and I started going to Cheers so did our friends.
One night Rose and I decided to go up to Cheers, but didn't really want to deal with the normal crowd that was there so we gathered up a group of our friends to go with us. We walk into the bar and everyone notices us (this happened every time we went in). Rose and I were getting hellos from all the regulars while the other girls with us just stood there in awe of the trashiness that they were about to endure.
We belly up to the bar and start drinking. We are having a great time playing pool, dancing, singing karaoke and getting guys to buy us drinks.

Rose and I were talking when our friend Katie came over to us with a guy. We were proud of her for finding a guy to buy her drinks! Not to be hateful, but Katie kind of looks like the Cowardly Lion from "The Wizard of Oz", so it was a task to find someone who would buy her drinks. This guy seemed nice and all, so we let her continue talking to him.



It just so happens that Katie was also underage. She was 20 to be exact...we snuck her into the bar! This was her first bar experience ever!!

We kept drinking until they turned the lights on for everyone to go home. Luckily we didn't live too far from the bar, so it was easy to have someone take us home or to get someone to come pick us up. So, I'm off making phone calls trying to get someone to pick us up when all of a sudden Rose comes running up to me laughing her ass off. She took the phone from me and said "Jill, you've got to come over here. You've got to see this!"

When Rose gets that excited about something, you know it's good. So, I run over to the bar where all our friends are standing in a circle. Katie is still clinging to her man. Rose says "Look at his eye" in reference to the man Katie was trying to get with.

HE HAD A MOTHER FUCKING GLASS EYE!!!!!!



I couldn't believe what I was seeing. So, I asked him about it. I was like, "Not to be rude, but uhm...what's the deal with your eye?" Apparently Katie hadn't realized that he had the glass eye, because she just got this really confused look on her face. He told us some story about how he ended up with it...I didn't listen or care about what he was saying because I was still laughing hysterically at this point. Then he popped the glass eye out! I was completely grossed out by his eye socket (minus the glass eye) to begin with, then he tried to get Rose and I to touch the glass eye. No thank you.

Well, we finally found a ride and I started to get everyone together so we could leave. Rose came over because she noticed I was having trouble with Katie. Katie would not leave. She said that if we wouldn't take her to a local hotel that Glass Eye was staying at that she was just going to leave with him. WHAT?!?!?!

The hotel she wanted to go to is a local hotel, I don't remember the name of it...but it's even trashier than the bar we were at! Rose got really serious, she told Katie that she wasn't going to the hotel either way and that she was coming with us whether she liked it or not.

Katie threw a hissy fit in the middle of the bar. She started crying. Now, I've cried when I was drunk before...but NEVER over a dude, let alone one with a glass eye! She started saying how he was a really nice guy and that she really liked him and that nothing would happen. It took me, Rose and another girl to pull Katie away from Glass Eye that evening. Needless to say there were a lot of jokes about guys with glass eyes following this incident.

Oh and did I mention that Katie when she gets drunk does this thing while shes talking? Well, Katie when drunk talking begins to move her lower jaw from side to side, while moving it up and down. She looks like a cow chewing! So just imagine Katie, the Cowardly Lion who talks like a chewing cow and Glass Eye. Wouldn't their babies have been pretty?!?! Haha.

Don't worry...there will be more stories about Cheers...a lot happened there!

<3,
Jill

Honey, I'm home!

Sam called me this morning and told me the best story I've heard all week. And yes, although we've been major slackers, this will be a *FUF* post.

Sam is currently living with his parents due to financial issues from a divorce (I was a dirty mistress, sort of. They were in the process of getting divorced when we started dating). His family has remodeled the basement and made a couple bedrooms and a tv room out of it. His cousin also lives with them. There is an entrance to the basement around the back of the house. This is normally left unlocked (Sam & his cousin have lost their keys).

He heard strange noises last night. He looked around and thought it was his cousin coming in from her boyfriend's house and she had turned on a tv. Then he heard someone calling his name. He looked up and there was a man standing in his bedroom (who had obviously come in through the unlocked basement). He realized who it was; it was his friend Mark. Mark works for Sam's step-father and he thought that maybe he had come to help his step-father do some things around the house. Then Sam looked at the clock and realized it was 4 in the morning.

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing here at 4 in the morning?"
"Dude, I need a ride home and quick."
"What? What the hell is going on?"
"I'll tell you in the car, just come on."

Sam and Mark get in the car. Mark proceeds to tell him his FUF story of the night:

Mark had gone to Country Bar which is a club/bar type thing in Big Town. He then ends up absolutely smashed and starts talking to a girl. I guess there was some sort of chemistry because ol' girl decided to take Mark home. They get to her house and they start making some sweet, sweet lovin'.

Mark hears a door open and a man say "Honey, I'm home." Ol' girl was MARRIED and brought a man home while her husband was at work! Needless to say, Mark flips out. He scrambles to put on his pants, shoes & sweatshirt on (leaving his t shirt, boxers & socks behind) and gets out of the house. (I'm not sure if he goes out a door or what, but I assume the husband didn't see him).

He gets a good look at his surroundings and realizes he's about 5 miles from Sam's house. Fearing for his life he runs the entire way to get a ride home. He took the path of least resistance and ran through horse farms, people's yards, woods, etc.

Yes, I'm still laughing about it. Here are the reasons:
1. Who says "Honey I'm home" these days?
2. He went to Country Bar and wore a sweatshirt? I'm kind of surprised they let him in.
3. He left his socks, boxers & shirt behind. Like she can cover that one up. I see the conversation now "Whose boxers are these?" "Honey these are YOUR boxers." "BULLSHIT. I don't wear that brand!"
4. He ran 5 miles. 5 MILES to safety. I would have hidden behind a bush and called Jill to come get me. Fuck all that running.
5. Can we just talk about how he had to run through a horse farm? I'm telling you, he passed through some rough terrain.
6. I like to think he jumped out of a window. That is how it happened in my mind. I hope I'm right.

my fickle foe

Dear PMS,
You are suck a fickle bitch and I truly mean that from the bottom of my violent hormone filled heart.

I realize that you're extra pissed this month because I started LoEstrinFE, but just to let you know, it's no picnic in the park for me either.

I'm curious as to why month after month after month you decide to send raging hormones through my body that I cannot control. On top of that is it really necessary for the bloating, the horrible cramping, intense mood swings, bouts of crying for not reason and otherwise out of control behavior? I didn't think so either.

I know that there is some 16 year old girl somewhere out there crying just BEGGING for you to come visit her. You've made a mistake, you came to me instead.

I retreat. I'm waving the white flag. I quit. You win, you always do. Now, can you PLEASE for the love of a 6 pound 8 ounce baby Jesus in golden fleece diapers just go away so I can have my sanity back?

<3,
Your hormonal friend Rose.

Fatty McFatterson

I thought it might be a wise idea to let you all know what happened at McDonald's this morning that Jill was talking about (see her post or just scroll down).

I go through McDonald's for breakfast 1 or 2 times a week. I not only order for myself, but for a colleague of mine. I always order 2 number 12 meals (Bacon, egg & cheese bagel) with no breakfast sauce and 2 small coffees.

90% of the time I interact with the same man, either taking my order or giving me my food. Well today I ordered just like normal and drive up to greet him. I was completely floored when I handed him my credit card and he said:

"Do you really think it's healthy for you to eat that much McDonald's everyday?"

Excuse me?! I just looked at him and the only thing I could mutter was "Um, this is for two people." When I wanted to say "Listen here asshole. If it weren't for people like me who are addicted to your bagels, you wouldn't have your job. Plus, if it was just for me, wouldn't it be easier for me to order one large coffee instead of two small ones?!"

The best part? This is what Jill emailed me back when I told her about it this morning:
Next time he says something, if he does...respond by telling him that you think it is none of his GD business what you eat and that maybe he should start looking for a new job, then walk inside, request to speak to the manager and tell him what has happened!

I wish Jill had been there for me this morning. I just hung my head in shame, muttered an excuse and drove off. FML. I think I just broke up with MY McDonald's this morning. I'm heartbroken.

<3,
Your McFatty, Rose

Seriously, FML today...

During our morning ritual of emailing back and forth Rose told me this story about how she went through the drive-thru at McDonalds, where she had a really rude drive-thru window person (I don't know what their official "title" is). To make a long story short, the drive-thru window guy commented on something that was not his business.

I hate mean/stupid people.
Next Story.

In my line of work I get to talk to "needy" people ALL FUCKING DAY LONG. I love the people I work with, but really dislike most of the people that I am trying to help.

Anyway, my phone has been ringing non-stop today. These people can't get enough of me. So, this dude calls me. He sounds upset...oh no. So, I start talking to him. He's angry with me and the system. I explain to him why I have done everything that I have, and even tell him that there is still hope (big fat lie, but whatever)...what does he do? HE TELLS ME OFF! He starts cussing and fuming at me. All I can do is sit with the phone up to my ear saying "Yes", "Yes sir", "I'm sorry" and "I understand", when all I really want to say is "If you have such a problem with what I'm doing, why don't you go get a fucking college degree, get up off your lazy ass, get a job, quit your mother fucking complaining and go on with your life."

I even tried to transfer this guy to my supervisor...she wasn't at her desk. Eventually he starts cussing at me and then just hangs up. Nice.

So, the moral of today's stories is to be nice to people you don't know (either at all or barely)...that a way, you 1. Won't be fired (hopefully) for something stupid you said to someone and 2. You will benefit from another's kindness and willingness to help you.

What is wrong with people these days?

I ALMOST killed

A MOTHER FUCKING COYOTE!

A couple years ago, my sister had surgery. She needed cigarettes (or diet coke, something imperative) and needed to run into town a couple days after. I'm fairly certain that she was too drugged up to drive but she left without anyone knowing. When she came home she had this story:


"I was driving down the road and I looked out my window and there was a coyote running down the road next to me. All of a sudden it started running faster than my car, cut in front of me and turned down L road."

Yeah, because that is SO believable.

The first time we heard the story she claimed she was going around 60 miles an hour. First off, a coyote can't run that fast unless it's part Cheetah and I'm fairly certain that Cheetah/Coyote mixes aren't common in Kentucky (or even possible for that matter, since one is a cat & the other a dog). She still claims the story is true, but admitted that in her drug induced state she was actually going less than 30 miles an hour. I'm still perplexed as to why the coyote decided to cut in front of her and go down an actual road instead of into a field. Obviously, we still give her shit.

Well, last night I almost hit the mother fucker.

I saw something ahead of us in the road and slowed down. I asked Sam what the fuck it was. After thinking it was a rabbit (too big) then a fox (still much too big) we realized it was a coyote. I continued to drive and I swear to God it was running beside me just like my sister claimed happened to her, on the exact same part of the exact same road. He was running all crazy in zig-zags like a drunk person. BUT, instead of turning down L road (which we had already passed), it jumped a fence. Sam looked at me and said, "I can't believe that bastard! He didn't even use a turn signal! We HAVE to tell your sister."

Her response: "Fuck you. It really happened to me."

Like I could make that shit up.

<3,
The *Almost* Coyote Killer, Rose

subject: spam

I despise cleaning out my spam email. Once every three or so weeks, when it hits the 500 mark, I go through it just in case there is an email that isn't junk. Today was that day. As I was reading through the subject lines, there were several that caught my eye that I felt I should reply too. I don't have time to reply to this kind of shit, so I thought I should share my favorites with you, our dear readers.

Hi! My name is Paul and I’m one of those internet guys
Well, hello Paul! Unfortunately I am not one of those internet girls. Please cease contact immediately. If I didn't answer the first email, I'm not answering the other 32654 you sent.

First there was the Snuggie, Now there's the Cabin Cuddler
I suspect I could wear my robe backwards and achieve the same thing.

An update from Colorado Technical University
I might actually care about this if I attended CTU. I didn't, so you can quit sending me the alumni emails

Get $7,500 in Xmas Cash
You are either way late or way early. Either way, I'm not spending $7,500 on Christmas presents for anyone.

Get paid to blog and write articles from home
Keep talking. Wait, I just read the body. Unfortunately, I don't have a penis that needs to be enlarged. I appreciate the thought though.

Get a years supply of diapers… free
Cool. I don't have a kid though. Can I trade diapers for another overly expensive product that I use, otherwise known as tampons?

Hernia patch recall
I've never had a hernia. Nor did I know there was a hernia patch. I'm not surprised it's been recalled though.

Old Witchcraft Secrets—Make your wildest dreams come true
Do you send the voodoo dolls or do I need to make my own?

Private jets, personal loans, send flowers, drug rehab, addiction, whistler's condo
2 questions for you, Mr. Mass Spamer: 1. Can I get the loan to purchase the jet, flowers and drugs for the addiction & rehab? 2. What exactly is this Whistler's Condo you keep emailing me about??

Mr. Brain Casey
Did you spell your name wrong or do you really go by Brain? If so, I'm Spleen. Nice to meet ya.

Roses are Red…
Violets are blue. If you keep spamming me, I'll hurt you.

<3,
A Spammed out Rose.

He has seen your what???

It's my mom's birthday weekend. My family celebrates birthdays by becoming gluttons for a weekend.

Last night my family got together for my mom's official birthday meal. We went to a really nice restaurant, where I didn't feel comfortable anyway. So, we are sitting there having a great time when this guy comes in and starts talking to my dad. My dad knows everyone in our city. And by everyone, I seriously mean everyone. Anyway, I look at this guy talking to my dad when I realize that he is one of the doctors at the local ER.

Apparently my face turned really red, because my mom looked over at me and said "Are you okay? Your face just turned really red." She thought I was choking on my sashimi. So, I swallowed my food and all I could get out were the words "He has seen my za-za-down-there." Everyone at the table looked at me. They thought I had done the deed with this guy! Quickly I had to explain that he was an ER doctor and that I had gone to the ER with bad stomach pains, they gave me a pelvic exam, and he just happened to be the doctor to dive in down there.
The doctor guy, who is still talking to my dad while I'm explaining all this to my family, looks over at me. He cracks a smile and says "Don't worry I wouldn't recognize what your face looked like anyway...I'd have to see the nether regions of your body."
I almost spit my food out.

The doctor dude and his date ended up being seated at the table next to us, so needless to say I ended up with a really awkward dinner experience. I'm pretty sure that the doctor ended up explaining the whole story to his date too, because she started hysterically laughing a few minutes after they sat down.

My dad also had to tell the other side of the family tonight at Olive Garden the whole story. So, I got to re-live the entire experience. Lovely.

WTF, your mortified BFF Jill?

I Killed...

A MOTHER FUCKING CANADIAN GOOSE!!!!!!

Seriously. I killed a Canadian Goose.

I worked late tonight, until about 6pm. I take a back road to I-64, it breaks up the monotony of the interstate. Anyway, I'm driving along when I turn my head to the left just to see a group of Canadian geese flying in one of those Vs that they fly in. I thought "Oh how pretty." Then I thought "Fuck, that V is really close to the road...it kind of looks like it's going to hit me."

Next thing I know I hear a loud bang. A rogue goose had flown away from the group...I just closed my eyes, screamed and hoped for the best. When I opened my eyes I could see the remnants of feathers flying around my car and a slobber mark on my windshield! I was completely expecting my windshield to be shattered and for there to be goose blood all over my car. Thank God that wasn't the case. I would have freaked the fuck out, or freaked out more that I already did.

So, I decided that it was a good idea to douse my windshield in windshield washer fluid, say a little prayer for the goose and then call Rose to tell her all about my goose fiasco.

The more I think about it, the less I feel bad. My apartment has a large field behind it and it just happens that all the Canadian geese flock to it in the mornings. I can't count the number of times I have been woken up on a Saturday morning, when I'm trying to sleep in, by stupid mother fucking Canadian geese. Aren't they supposed to migrate to warm places during the winter?

<3,
Jill

Snow Blows

My car has been stuck since Monday night. I parked it in the grass, not even thinking about it. When I woke up on Tuesday, the roads were icy and I needed to be taken to work in something with 4 wheel drive. The roads were even worse on Wednesday, so I didn't make it to work at all. Wednesday night I cleaned off my car (The snow and ice) so I would be ready to go bright and early for Thursday.

Thursday morning I got dressed and went out to my toasty car (I start it early every morning. I hate a cold car). I got in, put that bitch in drive and pushed the gas down. Nothing. Okay, there was something, I like to call it a slight roll forward. I hit a big mound of snow and rolled back. I tried again. Then I got my not so happy ass out of the car and tried to dig out with my ice scraper. I dug and dug and dug. I got back in the car and tried to go and obviously went no where.

I went in the house and my Dad said "I was wondering how long you would try before giving up!" So my sweet as peaches little brother drove me to work.

Last night Sam told me he would help me get my car on the driveway so I could actually drive myself to work today. Sam acesses the situation while I try not to freeze. This is how it went down:

Sam: Rose, get in the car and don't do anything until I tell you too.
Rose: Uh, okay.
S: Roll down the window
R: *Opens door because window is frozen shut*
S: Now give it a little gas

Mud, water and snow go flying. Everywhere. Even on Sam (I got a good chuckle out of that one)

S: I said A LITTLE gas, not a lot. Stop.
R: Oops, sorry
S: Okay, I'm going to try to push you out now

I'm sitting in the car while Sam is pushing it and it's rocking. So I start to rock with the car hoping it will help. We finally get over the snow drift just to fall back down.

S: Rose, did you have your foot on the gas?
R: No...
S: I told you to give it a little gas!
R: You told me not to do anything until you told me to.
S: I told you to!
R: But then you told me to quit
S: Yeah, but then I explained a little not a lot. So I've been pushing your car for the last 15 minutes for nothing!
R: Well, I suggest you go get T (my little brother) to help

T comes out, T & Sam push and I go fishtailing, then slam on the breaks and come to a jerking stop... but the car was out!

Now, when people say I don't listen, I don't believe it. Sometimes I listen a little too well.

What the hell is a "Sea Kitten"??

On my way to work this morning I was listening to my favorite radio station when I heard something about "Sea Kittens." I was like, whoa...I've heard of sea lions and seahorses but never once have I heard about "sea kittens." I decided that instead of working this morning, I would research this because I didn't get the entire story before I got to work.

If you haven't heard PETA is trying to change the name of fish to sea kittens. So instead of calling a flounder a fish, a flounder would be a sea kitten. Woof.

"Sea kittens are just as intelligent (not to mention adorable) as dogs and cats, and they feel pain just as all animals do." So, that's what PETA has to say about fish. I'm sorry but a slimy, scaly, bug eyed animal that lives in it's own filth is not adorable. I see nothing about them that is cute and fluffy like a kitten. Now, don't get me wrong. I love animals. I support some aspects of PETA. I am all for ethical treatment of animals, but let's be serious...fish are the most plentiful source of protein that we as the human race have.

Apparently "fishing hurts"...no shit Sherlock. I would most definitely not want to have a hook shoved through my lip, unless it was a piercing (which personally I would look dumb with a lip ring). Here's my question. If "sea kittens" are so smart, why the fuck are the still falling for the old bait and hook scheme?

PETA, you have frustrated me and let me down. I thought that you all put your effort into worthwhile causes. I guess I was wrong.

If you want to look into this for yourself just go to http://www.peta.org/.

<3,

The very confused and disappointed, Jill