Thursday, April 30, 2009


We're probably all offenders of this: sending text messages while inebriated. Sucks when you're the sender. Amazing when you read other peoples drunk texts.

Case in point:

Here are a few of my favorites:

(312): My room smells like vodka and shame

(970): Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(405): I'm drunk
(615): Is that why you're texting me
(405): Yes

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
(1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
(612): could be more
(1-612): absolutely not

(248): is swine flu sexually transmttd?
(313): Ha no, why?
(248): sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad

(817): I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

delighted none were from me,

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Don't cry over spilled milk....or ping pong

Last night Rose, Lesley and I went to a Table Tennis Tournament aka Tx3. A guy Rose and Lesley work with was playing in the tournament. Apparently yesterday at work he was telling everyone they needed to come because there was going to be free beer. That's all Rose had to tell me...I was there.

Anyway, we show up at the bar where this tournament is happening. The bar is one of those that only plays country music and everything in the place is wooden. To be honest, it kind of looked like you were walking into Tombstone except there were neon lights everywhere advertising some kind of beer.
We walk into the bar assuming it would be like any other bar experience.
First of all, the women sitting at the door were Bud Light girls. No offense to the Bud Light girls, but seriously these girls weren't the smartest. Bud Light girl #1 asked us if we were playing or watching. My mouth dropped. Did she seriously think that us girls were going to be playing in a Tx3. I think not. None of us were even dressed appropriately to be playing. Bud Light girl #2 asked who we were watching. We told her and she said "Well, here's the deal..." This was a "Private Party" and the players were only allowed to bring 3 people. Whatever. The guy we were coming to watch had over invited people. She let us in but we didn't get any free drink tickets. Sad day. But none the less, our Table Tennis player gave us drink tickets.

The games begin. The first game was between two old guys. The second game was some girl and a guy I went to high school with, Jeff. Now, let me explain Jeff to you. He is the cutest Asian guy I have ever seen. He was wearing his sweatband under his hair, so he kind of looked like a mushroom. And Jeff is a genius, but has never been too good at hand/eye coordination or sports. Somehow he managed to win his first game against the girl. I can tell you though that the girl kind of looked like a statue with moving arms. She was not getting into the game at all, she had no passion.

The three of us decide that we need another drink, so we got more drink tickets and headed towards the bar. The games were starting to get a bit boring and we had already seen the guy we came to see play.
The three of us bellied up to the bar to get our drinks, when at almost the same time we all looked to our left. The girl who lost to Jeff was bawling her eyes out, crying at the end of the bar.
We couldn't believe our eyes! We came up with a few plans as to how we could cheer her up, including walking over and giving her a drink...but all we could do was sit and stare, oh and laugh. Seriously girl, it's only PING PONG not a life or death situation. She sat there for like 20 minutes crying until we looked up and she had disappeared.
We started talking to the bartender and bouncers who were behind the bar, this girl had been sitting there crying for like 10 minutes before we sat down. They had been talking about it as well.

Seriously though, who the fuck cries over a game of ping pong? I agree, I would have been disappointed if I had entered this tournament and lost in the first round (especially if I lost to a guy in a sweatband) but I would not have cried over it. Yes, she could have won a trip to Vegas and possibly $100,000...but wow, this girl has some serious issues.

Soon after I was done hitting on one of the bouncers (who we knew from another bar) we left.

Lesson learned. Never, ever cry over a game of ping pong at a bar...if you do, go out to your car and do it!

<3 Your Bff, Jill?

Monday, April 27, 2009


A guy from work, Tommy, has been pestering me to go bar hopping with him for at least a month. I finally gave in and told him I would go out Saturday night if he remembered to send me a text.

Sure enough, Saturday I received a text "Wanna go out tonight?" I figured why the hell not so I called up a work friend Lesley and asked her to go. Plus, earlier that day I bought a new pair of hot sex black patent Guess pumps that needed to have their debut. (I tried to find a picture, but couldn't)

I planned on going home after the night was over. When I picked up Lesley, I told her the plan, I would drink before we left if she would drive, have one drink at the bar and quit for the rest of the night so I could drive her home.

I started drinking and had a bit of a buzz by the time we made it to DownTown BigCity, we went to two sort of upscale bars that are connected. I like more of laid back place, but Tommy wanted to go so we gave in. We get inside and I immediately had to wait about 15 minutes to pee. Then I made my happy, slightly tipsy, self to the bar and ordered my favorite, Gin and Tonic.

Tommy decides he wants to dance. He is off dancing like a fool (no literally, dancing like a fool. He looked like John Travolta during his Saturday Night Fever days). We make our way to the dance portion of the bar. At the corner of the dance floor there was a little box for the bouncers/drunk women to stand on. Trying to act smooth, I was dancing in front of it and decided to step back onto it. Before I took my first step back and up, I looked at Lesley and said "Now this is how it's done."

I didn't make it.

I am not smooth.

I fell forward and twisted my ankle and was caught by a man with an afro and buck teeth. He was an ugly version of the Reading Rainbow guy, afro flat top included. Thank God I didn't break my ankle new heels. It would have been catastrophic.

AfroMan/ReadingRainbow looked at me after the tumble and said "I've been watching you all night and been waiting for a chance to ask you to dance." I looked at him, snarled my nose and pointed down, "Can't dance, I'm hurt."

Then he starts grinding on Lesley. Not only did I feel humiliated for her because I declined the bozo and he went for her, but I felt bad because HE HAD A BONER. Pure class people, pure class.

Your ankle breaker,

Friday, April 24, 2009


ladies & gentlemen, please raise your glass
This is our 100th post!

It's like the 100th day of school in elementary where you bring in 100 of anything, but better. Way better.

We just wanted to take a moment to thank all of our lovely readers for their support, love and dirty comments. You've been with us through our best and worst.

We couldn't have done it without you all!

IDK, your BFFs,
Rose & Jill

P.S. Sorry we couldn't do some fancy smancy giveaway like most people do at 100, but bitches be broke. We love you anyway.

lucky number eight

Little Woman tagged both of us in an 8 things post!

Up first: Rose

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Retirement
2. Possible mini vacation with Jill in July
3. Moving out of my parent's house
4. Shopping for more LUSH products (I already have what I want picked out!)
5. Having a job I absolutely love. However, at this point I would take having a job I just kind of like
6. Getting married some day
7. Having children (maybe)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Wrote a blog
2. Worked
3. Watched Grey's Anatomy with my sister
4. Ate a SmartOnes dinner because I was too lazy to make anything else
5. threaded my eyebrows
6. Went to McDonald's for breakfast.
7. Got paid (well, it was a midnight, but I'm counting it)
8. Window shopped online (etsy, lush, MAC cosmetics)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Sleep in every single day.
2. Go ahead and retire. I think working is overrated
3. Artistic things like drawing, painting (not to be confused with crafty)
4. Be an excellent cook
5. Have brightly colored tattoo sleeves (with feminine beautiful things like cupcakes and swallows)
6. Own a vintage clothing store or a record/music/coffee shop
7. Backpack across Europe (I've already been to England, but I want to see it all)
8. Be a singer in a band (I'm lacking a little thing called talent)

8 Shows I Watch:
2. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Secret Diary of a Call Girl
5. The Tudors
6. Sex & The City
7. America's Next Top Model
8. Top Chef

Next: Jill

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
2. When I turn 49, then I can retire!
3. Getting to know the new boy more (you all will find out more about him later).
4. Moving out of my current apartment and into a house *hopefully*.
5. My next cigarette break, it's coming soon!
6. Summer
7. Of course, the possiblility of going on a mini-vacay with Rose this July!
8. Did I already say the weekend?

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Had IV fluids pumped into me.
2. Wrote a blog.
3. Slept.
4. Called-in to work.
5. Made my mom's Mother's Day present.
6. Passed out in my bathroom.
7. Played the Wii with the boys.
8. Smoked too many cigarettes.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Never work another day in my life.
2. Fall in love.
3. Play the banjo...seriously, it would be great.
4. Buy a house.
5. Be a full-time student for the rest of my life.
6. Get out of debt, stupid student loans.
7. Lose about 30 more pounds.
8. Train a dog successfully...

8 Shows I Watch:
1. Weeds
2. Californication
3. Secret Diary of a Call Girl
4. The United States of Tara
5. Southpark
6. Family Guy
7. House
8. Bones

8 Bloggers We're Tagging:
1. Re-Re
2. Shannon
3. Chelsea
4. Courtney & Christina
5. JayCee Leigh
6. Susan
7. PinkNic
8. Adlibby

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bitches, I'm Back!

I'm not going to go into the long boring stories about how I haven't written and how I suck at life...sorry. I'm just going to jump right into it.

I honestly can't think of a completely horrible date that I've gone on. So, I'm going to tell you about the most random, awkward sexual encounter I have had.

I don't really remember how I met this guy, however I do know that it was online...possibly myspace, classy I know. Anyway, I started talking to this guy because he was from the same city as me, he didn't look too horrible and he was fun to talk to. Eventually it got to the point where he wanted to meet me. Let me just say, I did not have any intentions on meeting him to begin with.

Rose and I were in the middle of finals, so we were both trying to cram in a semesters worth of material in one week. We would go to a larger college's library to study during finals, so we wouldn't get distracted by all the people we knew. One night I had been talking to the guy online when he said that he was at the library we were getting ready to go to. I told him I'd be there in a little bit and if he wanted to wait, he would be able to meet me.

Rose and I ended up meeting this guy at a local pita restaurant. Internet boy decided he needed to go back to the library, where Rose and I were headed anyway. We all walked into the library with our laptops and books and found a table where we could all sit, it was somewhere in the basement. Thanks to wi-fi, we were all able to talk separately without the other knowing what we were saying. Internet boy and I were talking about how we wanted to jump each others bones, Rose and Internet boy were talking about how me and him needed to get a room and I was talking to Rose about how they were talking about me. It was a mess. Every once and a while we would all erupt in laughter

After a few awkward glances upward, Internet boy finally caught my glance. He sent me a message asking me to follow him to the bathroom. I let Rose know what was going on, so she would know where I was and wouldn't worry.

Internet boy got up and a few minutes later, I followed. Rose decided it was too awkward and went outside to smoke a cigarette and call a friend.

Once Internet boy and I got into the bathroom, it was on. We were making out, touching each other in rather inappropriate places and just having a great time. Yes, the random knocks at the door were a downer but overall it was great...until he unzipped his pants.

He was uncircumcised. OK, now don't get me wrong...I know some people like this. I am not one of them. It grossed me out, especially since I had never seen one before.

All I could think to myself was how this guy wanted a blow job. I was completely caught off-guard by all the skin.
This blow job seriously lasted all of 2 minutes. I could not resist the gagging feeling I was getting. Yuck. I was done.

I walked back out to our stuff, told Rose about what was going on and we peaced the fuck out. Internet boy still tries to talk to me now, whenever he does I just laugh...he's apparently in law school and is dating some girl who looks like Anna Nicole Smith.

Good Riddance Internet boy.


blowjobs and bathrooms

Under the Influence suggested a post on first/most memorable one night stand. Good topic. I have a couple memorable ones, but one takes the cake.

My first one night stand is also my most memorable. I think I've said it before, but I let Sam cash in on the V-Card so I was "everything but" girl in college (minus a few VERY close encounters with the Douche).

The very first night of college I met some upperclassmen girls (they lived in the room beside me and were actually in the sorority I later joined.) and they invited me to go out with them the first Saturday I was there. First of all, this is a huge no no. You are not allowed to go out with freshman during their orientation week. You are definitely not allowed to take them to a frat house. Being the rule breaker that I was, I went.

We got to the fraternity house and went and hung out in this guy named Brian's room. He was giving drinks away freely, another thing against the rules, no alcohol on campus. Of course, being a BAMF (that is Bad Ass Mother Fucker for those who do not know), I grabbed greedily. It wasn't a big deal for me to drink, I've been drinking since 6th grade, it was however a big deal because I couldn't buy the contraband. (He was 21 and I was a lowly 17, soon to be 18 year old). It was lemonade and vodka; I drank so much of that when I was in college it makes me sick to think about.

Fast forward a couple weeks. Brian and I had this major flirtation thing going on. Brian also had a girlfriend, Anna, who was in said sorority I later joined. Are you all sensing a pattern here? I'm a homewrecker, I guess. (Homewrecking tally that I've written about so far: Douche, Sam and now Brian). I guess I just have no morals. Ok, that is so not true, I was just young and dumb.

Eh, on to the story.

One night after massive amounts of binge drinking I decided I needed some WaHo (that would be Waffle House) in my life. Brian took me and another girl. We got back to campus and he dropped the other girl off at our dorm. He asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him around campus. Sure, why the hell not? It's 3 in the morning and I'm drunk, maybe I should walk around and see if I can get a PI. We ended up walking by the student center on campus.

Brian worked at campus safety in the student center and paged the person on call. I'm not sure what excuse he used on the rent-a-cop, but he let us in the locked building. Next thing I know, we're downstairs and he is leading me into the men's bathroom where we proceeded to hook up. Classy, no? I assume we went into the bathroom because his girlfriend often slept in his dorm room.

After he had his glory we went back to the dorm. His girlfriend was asleep in his bed so I peaced out. If you're gonna be a homewrecker, you gotta keep that shit a secret.

It was a night of firsts: first one night stand (if you will), first time I had ever given a blowjob and the first (and only time) I've ever hooked up in a public bathroom. Although it was my first, he later told me "That was the best head EVER," which is a comment I've heard a couple times.

Just for the record, I know it's pretty filthy... being a mistress hooking up in a very public bathroom in a student center, and the men's room at that!

I guess Anna had an idea what was going on because she badmouthed me to the sorority and I didn't get a bid my freshman year. I'm guessing it was because I was a slut. Here is laughing at her though, as soon as she graduated I got that bid. HAHA.

Dirty Bathroom Whore,

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

at least I got a drink out of it.

When I asked the blog for help with topics, The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know was the first to give a topic: "I love dating horror stories. What were your worst dates ever?"

Well, that is easy enough. Mine wasn't really a single it date. It was several forced awkward ones with the same person. I'm sure Jill remembers this all quite well (if she wasn't totally belligerently drunk the entire time. But to be fair, most of that year is a haze for me too) because we got some seriously good laughs out of it.

My senior year of college I dated (and I use this term lightly) a total douche bag. I knew he was a douche bag because he cheated on his girlfriend with me and that is how we got together in the first place. Jill knew he was a douche. All my other friends knew he was a douche. I think that is why I liked him... plus, he was pretty hot. Even my grandma said so. It didn't hurt that he had money and always paid for everything (I was in college and had to beg people for liquor money. Don't judge me.)

When I finally decided that I was over him, I started listening to my Mom. Mom had been trying to get me to go out with this guy named Will since I was about 17 which was about the last time I saw him. So I considered it a blind date.

"You all will get married. I just know it," she said. "You are perfect for each other!" I should have sprinted for the hills then, but being broke I figured,"Hey, free date. At least I can save money on food and buy more alcohol for later!"

You know the story: He called. We chatted a little about my life, a little about his life. He asked me out. We had a date for that Friday; he was to pick me up at my dorm around 8.

I got ready and waited for Will to show up. He called and said he was pulling in front of my dorm. I looked out the window and saw this:

Jill and I gasped. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I knew I was in for it at that very moment. First of all, that truck was a little to country for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I'm a born and bred country girl but really, a flat bed? What the fuck is the purpose of that? The only other person I knew with one was my 94 year old grandfather and even he didn't have a use for it!

I gave Will the benefit of the doubt and walked out to meet him. I grabbed onto the "oh shit" handle and hoisted myself up into that bad boy.

"I was thinking about the Logan's in BigTown for dinner and possibly a bar after." Will said. I told him that was fine and picked up my cell phone to text Jill that he wasn't horrendous and he seemed decent enough.

We got to dinner and he told me to go ahead and order a drink first. "I'll have a tall Amber Bock," I said. He just gave me a look that screamed LUSH. "I'll have a Coors light... in a bottle. I don't need a tall one." Uh oh. Awkward. We started chatting about life or something.

Then he drops the first bomb: BOOM "I'm 33." WOAH. Momma hooked me up with someone 12 years older than me? What could I possibly have in common? Before I had time to fully register that he had hit puberty before I was born, BOOM bomb number 2... "The longest relationship I've ever had was 6 weeks." AND YOU'RE 33?? I had relationships longer than that in middle school! I knew it couldn't possibly work and I wanted to get the fuck out of there. Plus, the dinner was coming to an end and I was itching to get back to campus to drink with my friends.

"So, Rose, about that bar?" Well, I felt obligated. It was 8:30 and I couldn't feign being tired. So he takes me someplace that looks like this:

I guess he listened when I told him that Jill and I frequented the shady bar up the road. Although we did go often, we went for free drinks and we were friends with the bar tender. That is not the type of place you take a girl on a first date.

About 15 minutes into I fed him a line of bullshit along the lines of "I have a bit of a headache and have to study for my senior thesis first thing in the morning." Like I would ever get up on a Saturday morning to study!

He drove me back and asked me if I would like to go out Tuesday night. For once in my life I couldn't come up with an excuse.

Tuesday came and I fucking felt obligated to go. I told him I had more studying to do (total lie, I had drinking plans) and that we should go to the Applebees in CollegeTown. After more forced and awkward conversation he took me back to my dorm. When he parked to let me out of the car he scooted himself next to me. First of all, I find sitting that close to someone that I don't care for extremely uncomfortable. Second of all, I knew what was next...

He kissed me. I felt like I was frenching my 5 year old dog. His tongue was everywhere. I've been throwing up drunk and had better kisses then that one.

So, he calls me on the following Saturday and I answered. My thoughts will be in italics.
Will: How are you?
Rose: Well and yourself? like I give a fuck
Will: Great! I can't wait to see you again. Oh, shit. Oh shit. He is going to ask me out again. What did you do last night?
Rose: Well, Jill and I went to our bar. Got pretty drunk. I headed back to the dorm. Jill being the Lush that she is stayed with the boys she met that night. One of the boys called me from Jill's phone and asked me to come over. They picked me up and we hung out until about 8 this morning.
Will: Well. This obviously isn't going to work out. We're in two completely different stages in our lives. You want to party too much.
Rose: Okay. Bye.

Then later that night he called me: "Rose, I'm drunk. I've been drinking since I talked to you earlier today. I'm upset. I thought this could really be something. I just don't understand why you aren't interested. When you graduate college will you be ready to settle down?" HE JUST KEPT GOING. No wonder his longest relationship was 6 weeks! "Well, Will. I'm not really sure. It sure has been real though!"

And that was that. Apparently during the span of our first and second date he stopped by my parent's house and had a drink with them and talked to them for quite a while about my beauty, my wit, and who the hell knows what else.

I had to explain to Mom that we were just in two different places. Plus I've had bottles of lube and periods that lasted longer than his entire relationship.

My Mom still brings him up. "Whatever happened with you and Will? I was so sure you would hit it off!"

Sure, Mom. If I wanted to date a clinger.

Still a drunk,

Sunday, April 19, 2009

help us!

Jill & I have been in the mood to write amazing blogs lately but we have a little problem:

Writer's Block.

Yes, it's true. We are having trouble coming up with delightfully inappropriate things to post on. We need a little boost to get our blogging hiatus behind us.

So we ask this of you, dear readers:

What do you want us to write about??
Leave us comments with topics for the blog and we'll write on it! It really doesn't matter how inappropriate it is! Nothing is really too taboo for Rose & Jill.

Please, just help some girls out!

See ya real soon,

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Well, it's time again...

Time for a TMI post. But it's worth it (I think.) Informative and funny. Can't get much better...

So since my hormones have gone all buck nasty crazy with switching birth controls my armpits decided to follow. Yes, ladies and gents, you read it right, Rose here has some sweaty pits. Well, until last weekend.

I had tried seriously everything: Secret, Secret Clinical, some Secret with lotion, Mitchum, Dove, the list goes on. I seriously have about ten deodorants right now that I'll probably never use.

Nothing was cutting it. I was in my second week of wearing jackets that covered up cute shits because of pit stains when I started to get pissed. I was about 2 minutes away from calling the Dr. to get some prescription B.O. Control (Ok, they don't stink, just extra wet but I liked the way B.O. & control rhyme).

Then I got on Walgreens website and did a little searching and the Clouds of Heaven opened up and showed me Certain-Dri. 72 hours of coverage? Seriously, 72 hours without putting it on again? I was sold.

I marched my happy ass to the CVS in town (We don't have a Walgreens in SmallTown). I bought the CVS equivalent, Ultra Dry, since I've spent about $50 on deodorant the past couple weeks. Then I got the Certain-Dri Morning refresher business because why the hell not? I've already dropped what seemed like enough cash for a new iPod.

I got home and read the instructions: Don't use after shaving or bathing. Luck still on my side, I had bathed that morning. I took my shirt off and applied "sparingly."

or so I thought...

After a few minutes my arm pits started to tingle. Moments later my arm pits were starting to get hot. Then it felt like they were on fire. I had put so much on it literally scorched my skin. I had to sleep with my arms out to the side because I couldn't stand fabric on them.

By the next morning I had a chemical burn. Fucking awesome. At least there was no sweat. By that night I still didn't have any sweat. Or the next day. Or the next! Even though I had showered (it doesn't come off!) and shaved! I've used it for a week now and let me just say, it really does work for 3 days.

The moral of the story is : Sparingly = One swipe.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Easy Money: Snail Herd at Home!

As you all know, my life has a been a bit hectic as of late but the good news is I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things! Meaning: I'll post more often and start commenting :)

I've been meaning to post this for quite a long time, but keep forgetting. One day I was on our email [delightfullyinappropriates(at)]. I was writing a blog and accidentally clicked the subject button. To my surprise, it filled in a subject for me. So, I clicked it again. A new subject popped up. I bet I spent AT LEAST an hour clicking that fucking button.

Not only is it perfect for people like me that can never figure out what to write in that damn space but they're funny too! I've decided from now on when I can't think of a blog title, I'm using that subject button bitch. Here are a few of my favorites (and of course, what I thought when I read them):

open air hubhub or underwater sub snub?
By far my favorite. Plus it is super fun to say.

dog snoring: better than a good haircut
I'm going to disagree on this one.

girls, are, wicked awesome
someone missed the day in elementary school that was dedicated to the comma.

I Brake for Unicorns

Early bird gets the worm. But what about the early worm?
It dies.

I'd love to but I'm building a pig from a kit.
This is way better than saying "Sorry, I'm washing my hair"

Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

I couldn't have said it better myself

We have located your pants
THANK JESUS! been wondering about them for DAYS

Who drank my crystal pepsi?

Someone in the 1980s

Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!

Go ahead, try it. It will change your life. It's worth it, I swear!

Kinda like Desmond from Lost but not saving the world,

Friday, April 10, 2009

finally at rest.

My Papa passed away this morning very peacefully. I took off work yesterday because I knew the end was near, and I have never been so thankful in my life. Around 3 this morning he was experiencing some apnea and eventually quit breathing around 5. It was just like he was asleep. My Mom & sister said they have seen several people die and have never seen someone go so easily which brings a lot of peace to me & my family/

The night before last around 1 in the morning, we had a "family reunion" as he called it around his bed. He was very lucid so we took advantage of the situation. It was the most precious time I've ever spent with a person. He told us he loved us, was proud of us, everything that he hadn't really said that often (Papa was a very, very private man and much like my father, doesn't display his emotions). He looked at my sister and said "I love you" then looked at Dad and said "But I love him the most." It was something my father has waited a long time to hear.

Around 2, I was sitting by his bed and I asked him how he was "I've been a bad boy" he said. I asked him why and he said "I was at the barn with my brothers but I left because I didn't do it!" He had a sparkle in his eye and looked and acted just like a child. I guess he was remembering a time when he and his 3 brothers had been in trouble growing up. I couldn't help but smile.

We knew our time speaking to him was up so my Dad asked him if he wanted to lay down. Papa said "No, I just want to enjoy my last day here." He drifted off to sleep soon after and didn't wake up again. He opened his eyes a couple times yesterday and nodded his head, but he slept almost the entire day.

Obviously, we're all having a difficult time with this... especially Dad. However, we all know that he is in a much better place, had an amazing life, loved his family more than he could ever tell us and went very peacefully. That is all we could ever ask for.

Here are some of my favorite interesting tid-bits of information on my grandfather.

--Papa was a real life cowboy. He lived in Oklahoma until he went to college. He said the hardest thing he ever had to learn how to do was to sleep in a saddle.
--He was fluent in an Indian language (Choctaw, I think) and spoke it to us all of the time growing up. We never knew what the hell he was saying. He was also fluent German and I'm pretty sure Latin. He knew bits and pieces of other languages as well
--He received his Ph.D. in Organic Chemistry in 1939, four years after graduating college. Yes, he skipped his master's!
--Papa had his first article published in a prestigious chemical magazine in 1938. Yep, before he was even a Dr.!!!!
--He worked at Kodak. While there he had at least 8 published articles (that I could find). He was granted 14 patents by the US & Canada in his first 6 years. Dad said he has upwards of 50 patents. Seriously, my grandfather was an inventor!
--He is one of the men (I believe there were 4 total) who perfected color film as we know it. We can all think Pops for no longer only having black & white photographs!
--He worked on the Manhattan Project. He mixed some of the chemicals such as the Uranium.

The funeral is Monday. Instead of mourning his death, I've decided to celebrate his life. Please pray for my family during these times. I know we'll be alright, we are at peace with his death.


Here is a lovely waste of 2 minutes...You're welcome =]

Hey Y'all!

Sorry, I've been a blog procrastinator, again...

Not a lot has been going on here in Kentucky, minus the weather!
It seriously was 70 degrees one day, the next it was 30 degrees and snowing!! Talk about messing with one's allergies, mine have been all over the place for the past two weeks.
Today it's raining and we have the chance for severe storms.

Hope you enjoyed the weather report...

I'm pretty stoked because the Avett Brothers are coming to my hometown in June! I've been needing to go to a show, and this one will be a great one to get back into the swing of going to shows! Plus--I got second row seating!
If you don't know who the Avett Brothers are, you should. Check them out on Myspace, or you can go here.
Here is a picture of them...

If you can't tell, I'm in a really good mood today. Today, being Good Friday, I only have to work a half-day. As of right now I have 2 hours to go! I get to get out of here at 11am, kudos to me for getting here at 7am this morning.

I know this has been a really random post from yours truly, but thank you for sticking with me. I'm trying to get back into the groove.


Friday, April 3, 2009

bad things really do come in threes

You know when you get so tired you can't sleep? I'm going through that right now. I haven't slept since Wednesday night. I apologize in advance if this doesn't make much sense but I just need to vent and get this off my chest because right now I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams. Mostly I'm asking you all for prayers, karma, vibes, whatever you do, for me & my family. The rest of this post is about what is going on and is extremely long.

Sister (who is a nurse) quit her job at a nursing home to stay home with my 96 year old (97 this month!) grandfather, Papa. Obviously, since he's 96 he has some issues. He was starting to fall, wasn't really eating well (or at all for that matter), he is losing his vision, etc. My Dad goes over to his house everyday for cocktail hour and has since my GaGa died when I was 2.

Papa had to live with us for about a year when I was in 6th grade because he had Dursban poisoning (which is a spray for termites, I believe. The person applied it wrong and he couldn't figure out why he was sick until too late). He had less than a 5% chance of survival then and he pulled through. The only thing that changed was his voice and he sounds fuzzy now; I have a hard time understanding a lot of what he says. He got sick a couple months ago and again, pulled through. He is very independent (minus driving because he is losing his sight) and he wanted to live on his own. My Dad noticed he was becoming malnourished so he started making breakfast for him every morning and my mom cooks his dinner. They also started him on an appetite stimulant. He started getting worse off which is why Sis is now staying with him. Sister and I went grocery shopping for him on Saturday and seriously bought every single fattening food we could find. Papa is close to 6 feet tall and is 117 pounds with clothes (I told him he makes models jealous!). His legs are the size of my wrist, he looks what I imagine a holocaust victim would look like.

So Sis and I were talking Tuesday night and she mentioned that she didn't see Papa pee at all on Monday or Tuesday and she was there for over 8 hours each day. We just figured maybe it was because he is dehydrated and malnourished. She called me around noon on Wednesday to tell me that Papa was getting sick and laying down. We chit-chatted for a bit then I went back to work. I got a text message around 4 "Taking Papa to the hospital by ambulance, too sick to go by car." I called her to see what the hell was going on. Apparently, in the span of a couple hours he became extremely ill and my sister felt she couldn't care for him. I asked her if I should come to the hospital and she told me that Dad had canceled his patients for the rest of the day; which meant yes.

I got to the hospital and they had him hooked up to an IV and a chest monitor. He has pneumonia and congestive heart failure. They admitted him to the hospital and several hours later my parents told me and Sis to go on home, everything would be fine. Sis and I went out to dinner and on our way home Sis got a call from Mom saying we needed to come back to the hospital. I got out of the car and Sis told me to get dressed, we needed to go back because he had taken a turn for the worse and may not make it through the night.

Now I don't know what you believe so this may sound strange: I believe in spirits. I always have, especially since living in my house (remember, its 200 years old and has had my entire family live and die in it). I believe it is someone who hasn't gone to heaven yet, waiting in a limbo of sorts for loved ones or whatever it is that is holding them. Someone once told me that to move a spirit from one place to another, they have to go with someone who is alive. When I went upstairs to change out of my work clothes, I started talking, mostly it was to my grandmother. I told her that I thought Papa was going to die and if she wanted to go to the hospital then I was leaving in a couple minutes and that Papa hadn't seen her in over 20 years so I'm sure she is the first person he would want to see.

So I got to the hospital and Papa really had taken a turn for the worse. He was laying lifeless. As soon as I walked into the room I started to cry. Everyone told me to talk to him but I didn't know what to say. I've never said a goodbye to someone dying. My other grandfather and step-grandfather died suddenly. I finally choked out "I love you" and he looked at me and said "I love you too." I didn't know what to do so I just left the room. My Dad was changing him to a DNR because there was no way he would survive CPR or paddles. I waited while Dad did that and we went outside to sit in the car so I could smoke and calm down. I went in and talked to him a couple more times, but mostly just stayed in the car with Mom. Around 2 in the morning, Mom told me to go home. I tried to sleep but couldn't

He lived through the night. I stayed with him some on Thursday, I couldn't go to work. He ate a bit, talked a bit, I bathed him and it seemed like he was getting better. So much that no one stayed the night with him last night. Turns out that was a mistake because he tried to get out of the bed and fell. Now he has a couple skin tears to add to the bed sore we noticed developing yesterday. Today I went to work for a little bit to get some things done but I felt that I was needed elsewhere.

I stayed with him for about 6 hours today while the rest of my family was running their errands and sleeping. He kept trying to get out of bed. I guess he thought we were at home because he kept wanting to go to the kitchen and the den. Apparently when he fell the other night it was because he wanted to go into the living room because he heard us talking. One point he looked at me and said "I don't understand why no one else is here and they are all in the other room. I think they forgot about me. Let's go find them." I couldn't help it but I started to cry. I explained to him for what felt like the millionth time that we were in the hospital. He just said "I know where we are." Then he told me to "Shut the hell up" which is soooo not my Papa. Since he kept trying to get out of the bed we had the nurses give him something that would make him sleep or at least stop trying to get up. He had one around noon today.

By about 3:30 I couldn't keep him in the bed. He's so weak and I can't support him. I called the nurse and asked for more meds and she told me "No, not until 8 tonight. He is very old and we can't risk giving him too much." I looked at her and said "I understand you have to tell me that but you need to call Dr. B immediately and tell him that I want him to be able to take it every FOUR hours or PRN." She just kind of looked at me because I was a bitch, but seriously, I have a 96 year old who is malnourished and fighting me "to go to the kitchen." Needless to say, we got it.

Dad came in around 6. I helped Dad feed Papa dinner and explained how Papa was starting to get very agitated with me because he wanted to get out of the bed. Well, apparently after I left all hell broke loose. He tried to hit Dad. He kicked my brother in the chest. My sister had to go to the hospital 2 hours ago to have him completely sedated. This just isn't him. When Sis went in tonight he was asking where I was. She said when she was in the room that she thought GaGa was in there. She said it looked like Papa was holding someones hand and rubbing their back with his other hand.

It's inevitable that he will pass this time. It's just been so damn hard. While I was watching him the Hospice nurse came in to introduce herself to me and to get to know my Papa a little better. I explained to her that my mother was home preparing a room for him and all of that. We'll be moving him home from the hospital sometime this weekend because that is where he would want to die.

It's just harder than I ever imagined. I've never seen someone dying. I've never seen someone who doesn't know what is going on. My Dad is being so strong and I just don't know how he is doing it. I've cried nonstop since Wednesday and my Dad is just stoic. He looked at the doctor on Wednesday when he asked what the plan was and said "I think it's time to change him to DNR. He's old. He's tired. He's ready to go." I just can't imagine EVER saying that about one of my parents.

I don't know what else to say. I'm exhausted. I can't sleep and when I do I just have nightmares. I'm trying to stay strong. I just didn't know it was so hard.


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