Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Iliad: Ted Edition

NOTE* This story actually occurred about three to four weeks ago.

God love him because I know his genes are responsible for my blonde hair (which is a vision if I do say so myself) and ability to be over-dramatic but my dad is too much for me to handle sometimes. Not only does dear ol' dad (to whom I affectionately call 'Ted' on a regular basis but only behind his back because he'd get piiissssed if I did it to his face) send me 'fun' emails in which he writes the way the cool hip kids (of age 13) would speak (i.e. Wadda ya up to? Well I'ma jus' sittin' here thinkin' about what're we gunnah have fur dinner...etc). But one of the things he does that kills me the most is his recounting of an event (he is severely lacking in skillzzz in this department). You see, Ted tells stories like they're the soap opera version of The Iliad: overly dramatic and entirely too long. Not only that, but he also has to retell them AT LEAST fifteen times and if all fifteen times are to the exact same person then so be-it. Take tonight's story for instance:

Ted: So Jack from across the street came over today.

(pause here for look of shock and awe...and dramatic effect)

Me: Okay.

Ted: APPARently (yes over emphasize the first half of the word) someone broke in so he was asking if we'd seen anything suspicious around their house lately.

Me: Oh. Well that's unfortunate...

Ted: sooo...(pause here for about a minute and a half -seriously) he said it's the THIRD break-in they've had...they stole a big wide-screen TV not even out of the box yet.

Me: I see...

(Pause here for another minute and a half to two minutes)

Ted: So if you leave the house...make sure you put the alarm on and everything.

Me (thinking): Like I've done since we got the alarm system when I was in. ooohhh sayyy 3rd grade? Side note* I'm 23 now with two undergraduate degree...

Me (actually said): ...Will do Pops...

So not only did I have to sit through this, and I shit you not when I say this, 25 minute ordeal, I had to listen to it ALL OVER AGAIN when my mom called from San Francisco to check in from her business meeting. There goes 50 minutes of my life I will never get back. *sigh*

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Fucktard drivers piss me off.

Alright. Here is the first entry I ever wrote for the blog I never had as briefly referenced in my introductory post. It might be a little rough but I feel like I've gone over it a million times trying to make it as good as possible for you folks at home! (Basically go easy on a girl...I'm a [blog] virgin...touched for the very first time?)

Bad drivers really piss me off. Why is it that no one knows how to drive anymore? It used to be only when in-climate weather hit or one was in Ohio and now it's as if all hell broke loose...on the interstate/by-pass/regular street in the suburbs where people are just trying to raise their toddlers. At least three different incidents happened to me on my way home from work at the Fuckit Mall this afternoon all of which pissed me off causing lots of honking, cursing, flipping off, my blood-pressure to raise, etc.

Is it too much to ask that you choose ONE of the two lanes available for vehicles going in your direction to drive in? Yes. I get it you have a huge ass truck. (I feel as though a little penis joke is too easy here yes? Um no.) Quit compensating for how little your fucking dick is. However, Evelyn and I do not take up too much room and would only like to get past you because we just want to get home and at this point you've been unabashedly straddling the line for about ten miles (ok probably more like point five) and we're worried you might be drunk. Just because it's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE ELSE does not mean you can take advantage of this fact at 10am HERE and then drive somewhere. Choose a fucking lane you ignorant redneck fucktard.

If your in a TURN LANE how about actually TURNING instead of proceeding to go straight through the intersection almost sending not only me but those surrounding me to our most imminent death?...dickhole...Didn't mean to get into the turn lane? That's ok. It happens to me all the time. Do I wait for the light to turn green so I can put the pedal to the metal and cut off those who were smart/coherent enough to get into the correct lane? Absolutely not. Just make the fucking turn and pull a three point switcheroo (somewhere SAFE like someone's driveway OR you could even pull one of those handy things we call a U-turn or circle around the parking lot the possibilities are endless) and pull back out onto the road you meant to stay on at the appropriate time (i.e. at a green light with a protected arrow).

Lastly, lord knows I'm guilty of using a cell phone whilst in the driver's seat but before you go and get all 'but I've been in the car while you drove and used your cell phone simultaneously' on me at least I don't look directly DOWN at my cell phone while I'm using it. DOWN, as in eyes are not on the road, i could admire how clean and white and pristine I've kept my 6 month old K Swisses (sidenote* does anyone wear those anymore?), DOWN. I understand that your (probably guido) boyfriend needs reassurance (yet again) that he is the most jacked/ most gelled/ is more situation-y than Mike "The Situation" guy there is out there, but really, at least hold it above the steering wheel out in front of your fucking face so at least your peripherals will (maybe) catch if you begin to veer into oncoming traffic. Further more, I've navigated my phone enough to be able to manipulate what I want from it without needing to look at all the buttons all the time (like hitting the send button).
Perhaps everyone should be forced to retake drivers ed. If you're a competent driver (like myself...most of the time...I'm not claiming perfection here) than you should have nothing to worry about. However, if you are a ride-the-center-lane-er/proceed-to-drive-straight-in-a-turn-lane-go-er/ drive-and-text-while-looking-down-er/ from Ohio sign up for a class near you. On second thought do the rest of us a favor, stop being a fucktard and go ahead and turn your license in now and take the mass transit system.


Friday, February 5, 2010

That's WINIFRED...not Winfrey as in Oprah...

Ahhhh soooo long time reader first time blogger, Winifred, here...actually that issss a blatant...lie...I used to read the ol' blog but then pesky things like school and bills and drinking got ranked higher on the totem pole. It is my first time blogging though. It all started a few weeks ago when I was on my way home from my job at what I like to refer to as The Fuckit Mall. Really. That place blows the biggest dick I've never even seen. I hate it. On a daily basis it sucks out what little of a soul I was able to grow back overnight. ANYWAY. I was on my way home and Evelyn (my car) and I were putzing along jamming to some great tunes when HOE-rendous driver after HOE-rendous driver continued to offend me with their driving skills (or lack there of as the case may be). So once I finally made it home after multiple flips of the bird, honks, near-death experiences, etc I decided I was fired up enough to make a blog entry about it...for the blog I DON'T HAVE!!! There I said it. I'm pathetic enough to write blog entries for a blog that doesn't exist. Well maybe one day I would have one. One of my very own! One that I could decorate anyway I wanted to! What? Oh...blogging...right. So needless to say I spoke with Rose about coming (heh heh coming...as in cumming? haahahaha yup that's right i giggle at what one might call 'delightfully inappropriate' things? See what I did there?!) AAANNNYYYYWWAAAAYYYYY...Sister Rose told me to write an introductory post so here it is. And you can look forward to more cursing, inappropriate sex jokes, complaining about pointless things I actually do myself, etc.


Monday, December 7, 2009

stupid broken organ.

Wow. I can't believe it has been almost a month since I've written! Exactly 5 days after my last post (which would have been November 17th), I had an emergency appendectomy (which would be why it's taken so long to write again!).

I was sick for 6 weeks. (yes, six very long, very excruciating weeks!). I had bronchitis, I had a sinus infection, I was throwing up for no reason, I had a cough and was literally turning into a snotface! The three days before I had surgery I threw up everything I tried to eat.

On Tuesday morning (November 17th), my Mom told me that I looked ghostly pale and suggested that I stay home from work. I looked at her and said "Mom, I've been sick for six solid weeks. Nothing is going to change today; I may as well go to work."

So off I went.

At work I joked around with a friend how I felt like I wasn't really sick but I was being poisoned slowly by someone I knew (I was watching Nip/Tuck the night before!), I just needed to figure out who was poisoning me and for what reason!

Around 10 that morning my stomachache started migrating toward my right side. I just knew it was either my period or appendicitis. Around noon the pain started increasing so I decided it would probably be best to leave for the day.

In the 20 minute drive from work to my Dad's office (I wanted to talk to my Mom) the pain amplified. I could barely get out of the car and couldn't stand upright. As soon as I saw my mom I burst into tears and said "Something is very wrong." She called the doctor and they set up an appointment for 3:30. I tried to sleep in my Dad's office while waiting the three hours until it was time to see the doctor. Around 3 I couldn't take the pain anymore and told Mom that I needed to go immediately. Every bump in the car sent radiating pain through my side.

The doctor took me right on back. I explained to him the pain I was having in my side and he examined me. When he touched my side I almost punched him in the face it hurt so bad. He said he thought it was the appendix & that I needed to go to the hospital for further testing. Before I left his office he gave me a shot of some sort of heaven. Took all the pain away for about an hour.

I got checked into the hospital around 4 and had a CT (probably 5ish...I had to drink that chalk crap). While waiting for the results to come back from the CT, my doctor came in and prescribed morphine for me as the meds from his office had worn off. As soon as the nurse gave me my dose of it, I felt a burning sensation in my throat and I could see a rash developing on my arm. My Mom said my eyes rolled back in my head and I plopped my head back on the pillow... I'm obviously allergic to Morphine! Doc was still nearby so he was able to give me a huge dose of benedryl and *voila* I was good again. However, after that I was only allowed Demerol!

The results came back around an hour after the CT scan. I was on the operating table less than half an hour after that. Luckily, my appendix hadn't ruptured but it was close; the doctor sent home pictures and you can see where it was bulging out. I am so lucky I went to the doctor when I did! The doctor was able to do it laproscopically and I ended up with an inch long scar under my boobs and a small one on my panty line and right under my belly button. Not so bad!

I ended up having 2 weeks off work. (Thank you, Thanksgiving for giving me a couple extra days off!) After two years of employment (which for me was about 2 weeks before my appendix went bust), we get 6 weeks paid time off for emergencies which was amazing since I didn't have enough sick time to cover the entire absence! It also looks like I will only have about $2,500 worth of medical bills too (which seems like a lot, but the surgery alone was $17,000).

It all happened so fast... less than 12 hours from the start of the pain until surgery! So yeah, I'm back and better than ever!

This post is already long enough, so I'll have part 2 coming up soon.... The surgeon who didn't want to do my surgery & the recovery nurse from hell are up next!!

Appendix free is the way to be!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

the un-tag

Tonight I finally did it: I deleted and untagged all the Sam & Rose pictures on facebook. It took for.ev.er. (I removed him as my friend months ago when it was still to hard to see skanks posting pictures with him & writing on his wall)

I have no feelings for him at this point. We can't be friends. Since I ended it, I find him to be a pompous and arrogant asshole. When hearts are broken, people change. He changed...and in my opinion not for the better (but does that even matter? no.) Some people are able to walk away from relationships with knowledge they didn't previously have & others, well they don't.

Things I learned:
-I learned that letting your boyfriend buy you a yorkie after dating for 3 months is not a good idea; the dog will be the one caught in the middle.
-I learned that divorcees = disaster (at least for me!)
-I learned to NEVER change myself for the person I'm dating, it will only bite me in the ass later.
-I learned the qualities I need in a relationship (and the ones I don't want!).
-I learned to still schedule times to be with my friends; I'll regret it when we've grown apart.
-I learned to go into relationships with eyes wide open.
-I learned that I am lovable.
-I learned that my family and friends do know me better than I think and I should value and listen to their opinions.
-I learned to rely on other people
-I learned it's way more fun to roadtrip with a best friend to a wedding than to go with a boyfriend (Holla, Jill!)
-I learned that heavily medicating myself does work, but only for a short amount of time...sooner or later I'll have to deal.
-I learned that it is possible to start life over.

Looking back, I think I always knew it wouldn't work. I wouldn't change it though. If nothing else, it was one helluva learning experience.


Friday, November 6, 2009

quarter-life crisis

I'm fairly certain that I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. A lot of little things have been accumulating for quite some time now (honestly, it's nothing worth posting about!). I came across this writing last night & liked it... I think it does a pretty good job at explaining everything. I hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

The Quarter-Life Crisis
By: Unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd & start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Monday, November 2, 2009

hey, pretty lady. won't you give me a sign?

So, I have John on the back burner and I kind of like it that way. I'm the one holding the cards (well, I'm ALWAYS the one holding the cards). I know he'll jump at the chance to have me again.

This is our text convo from Friday night.
John: I just took a picture with some children for Halloween that are dressed up like me. That makes me a hero! (John works at UPS)
Rose: Can I see your package again?
J: Anytime, lady!
R: How's tonight? (I had zero intention of seeing him that night. I was with Jill & our friend Luke)
J: Seriously? I can't tonight; I already have plans. Do you want to go out with us or maybe we can hang out tomorrow?
R: Eh, maybe another time

---Fast forward to Sunday---
Luke, my mom & I frequent an auction house almost every Sunday. We check out the men, buy some antiques and just have a lazy afternoon. It's a great way to end the weekend. Luke and I are sitting in the first row just jabbering about nothing important with my sister (who occasionally comes too).

This was our conversation:

Luke (pointing to the door): Oh my God. That guy is fucking hot.
I look to my right and who do I see? John. FML.
Rose: "Holy Fuck, L. That's John!"
Luke: "Jesus, he is beautiful, Rose! Is he the one you slept with? Why aren't you sleeping with him right now?"
R: "Shut the fuck up, L. My sister doesn't know I slept with him. The sex is mediocre, remember the conversation we had about it on Friday? Ok, shhhh now."
L: "Well, if you don't want to fuck him, I will."
R: "I hate you."
Sister: "Rose! There's John! Go talk to him!!! You all are so darling together."
R: "Sis, shut up. There isn't anything there."
S: "Um, I'm fairly certain there is."
R: "Nope. Nothing. We don't even have a single thing to talk about."
S: "You love him. I know it."
(Cue Rose's exit to the bathroom)

Side Note: The reason my sister doesn't know we've slept together is because she's all "You love him. You all are soul mates. You've always loved him. You'll get married, I just know it. He worked an entire summer to get a limo to take you to prom. Don't you remember how much fun we all used to have in high school?? " When I explain to her that we have nothing to talk about she still thinks it will happen. She doesn't seem to get it that it was 10 years ago. People change a lot in 10 years. It's annoying and I don't want to tell her that we have a purely sexual relationship. That will open up the floor for a major lecture.
...but I digress.

First of all, I never run into him in public. Ever. I only see him when I want. Second of all, it's a wee bit awkward to see him outside of the bedroom. I intentionally didn't go talk to him (I hold the cards, remember?). We sent a couple text messages back & forth while he was there.

But at least I know that if it gets bad enough I can always call him. I just want to use that as my last option because I'd rather not have sex than have mediocre sex.

...maybe I'll send him a good morning text right now. Maybe not. :)

Ex's & Oh's,

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