Monday, February 9, 2009

subject: spam

I despise cleaning out my spam email. Once every three or so weeks, when it hits the 500 mark, I go through it just in case there is an email that isn't junk. Today was that day. As I was reading through the subject lines, there were several that caught my eye that I felt I should reply too. I don't have time to reply to this kind of shit, so I thought I should share my favorites with you, our dear readers.

Hi! My name is Paul and I’m one of those internet guys
Well, hello Paul! Unfortunately I am not one of those internet girls. Please cease contact immediately. If I didn't answer the first email, I'm not answering the other 32654 you sent.

First there was the Snuggie, Now there's the Cabin Cuddler
I suspect I could wear my robe backwards and achieve the same thing.

An update from Colorado Technical University
I might actually care about this if I attended CTU. I didn't, so you can quit sending me the alumni emails

Get $7,500 in Xmas Cash
You are either way late or way early. Either way, I'm not spending $7,500 on Christmas presents for anyone.

Get paid to blog and write articles from home
Keep talking. Wait, I just read the body. Unfortunately, I don't have a penis that needs to be enlarged. I appreciate the thought though.

Get a years supply of diapers… free
Cool. I don't have a kid though. Can I trade diapers for another overly expensive product that I use, otherwise known as tampons?

Hernia patch recall
I've never had a hernia. Nor did I know there was a hernia patch. I'm not surprised it's been recalled though.

Old Witchcraft Secrets—Make your wildest dreams come true
Do you send the voodoo dolls or do I need to make my own?

Private jets, personal loans, send flowers, drug rehab, addiction, whistler's condo
2 questions for you, Mr. Mass Spamer: 1. Can I get the loan to purchase the jet, flowers and drugs for the addiction & rehab? 2. What exactly is this Whistler's Condo you keep emailing me about??

Mr. Brain Casey
Did you spell your name wrong or do you really go by Brain? If so, I'm Spleen. Nice to meet ya.

Roses are Red…
Violets are blue. If you keep spamming me, I'll hurt you.

<3,
A Spammed out Rose.

12 comments:

anne said...

I don't think i get spam email.. i get a lot of spam comments on my blog though haha..by spam do you mean junk? cause i get ALOT of those.. just make a new email.. =P

Rose and Jill said...

Spam/Junk = Shit I don't want! I would change my email, but I get a lot of important things on there and it's way too much of a hassel to switch over. Plus, I have a pretty good filter that stops it; it's just going through it that sucks! :)
-R

insomniaclolita said...

zlol your post made my day, so funny :) although i most certainly hate junk mails too.

Gina said...

Ugh. I hate spam too...and I very rarely delete it and almost never actually check it. Drives my husband CRAZY. :)

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

LOL - if there was only a way of replying without ENCOURAGING them!

Thank you for making me laugh through your pain.

Miss JC said...

I love spam. Well, let me take that back. I just love hearing the absurdity that spam has to offer. I like it when Mom calls and says, "Some dude e-mailed me and asked if I wanted to enlarge my penis..oh, and I have naked pictures of Britney Spears too..."

Dan said...

You left out the birthday scam/spam

After all, just because you send it every week, I shouldn't doubt your sincerity should I?

Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch) said...

If you use yahoo it automatically puts all spam mail in a folder for you and you just empty folder to get rid of it. Easier than easy mac, and way better.

Courtney said...

omg.

this totally hits home to me right now, considering that i signed up at this career aptitude test web site the day before yesterday (when i got zero spam e-mails) and yesterday i started to get at least 53 in my effing spam folder.

i might have to steal your idea on this one, spammed rose.

:)

-C.

Cheryl said...

I just got one about enlarging my penis.


It's interesting.

Constructive Attitude said...

People who send spam deserve to die!

Christina said...

I love laughing at my junk mail. According to my spam box currently, I'm the winner of like £2 million. Awesome.

 
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