I need ooh la la la la

I just spent an obscene amount of time looking at sexinfo101 sex positions on my phone. When I should have been working.

I haven't had sex in a hot minute. Like I think the last time was beginning of August, maybe earlier. I'm going with beginning of August so I'm not AS depressed about this as I could be. This is the longest I've ever gone without any type of ANYTHING. I haven't even kissed anyone.

Plus, my vibrator went ka-put. I'm not kidding. So I bought 2 more (see #11) because I knew they wouldn't compare. They don't, of course.

All i know is that 3 months is a very. fucking. long. time.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. Or my body. Because all I think about is sex...

Does this make me a masochist?! ...Or am I just thinking like a man?
Rose

P.S. This song is just sex.

Sitting there...waiting...take me on back...

Rose is currently sitting in our gynocologist's waiting room...yes we have the same gyno...
To ease some of her pre-"spread your legs as wide as possible" jitters Rose took a swig of some pretty intense cough medicine. I also decided that I should take a swig of my intense cough medicine as well (we both had the flu last week)...We have been text messaging for the past 30 minutes...

Jill: What does a 400 lb woman and a cement block have in common? Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican (disclaimer: I have no problem with 400 lb. women, or mexicans...keep in mind I'm just trying to ease Rose's nerves...)
Rose: Haaaaahahaaaaa.
Jill: How do they differ? When you lay a cement block it doesn't follow you around for the next month.
Rose: I am sitting by a huuuuuuuuuuuuge white bitch right now. I think she *could* be hiding a baby under all her lovin'.
Jill: Or she could be baking a turkey in that oven.
Rose: Hahaha. I am so fucked up right now. You are crackin' me up.
Rose: or she could be skinny like a snake. But she just ate a pug so she's big in the middle.
Jill: It's definitely possible. You should look her in the eyes or get her to stick out her tongue.
Rose: No, she's got a sketch pot with her who probably wants to do dirty things with me. I can't be tempting him with all this sexiness.
Jill: Ha. Is he mexican?
Rose: No. I think he may look like an uglier and more poor Patrick Swayze...but I am took scared to really look.
Rose: I'm trying not to cough because there was a sign that said if you have a cough, wear a mask. I am not about that. I reeealy need to cough though. Fuck. My. Life.
Rose: P.S. I am glad you make yourself available to talk to me while I sit here. It really helps when people reply.
Jill: I'm your bitch...haha. You talked to me via text the entire time I was getting the IUD implanted.
Rose: Yeah. That made my vag hurt thinking about it.
Jill: Geeze. You can totally tell our gyno is a female. A man would jump at the opportunity to have a woman go all spread eagle in the stirrups...there would never be a wait.
Rose: I don't want a man Dr...if a man is poking around in the downtown train station it better be with his pody parts...Not stirrups.
Jill: Let's hope the train conductor is sexy.
Rose: No kidding.
Rose: Dude, our Doctor is a female.
Rose: Ohhh. I just got that. Laksjodifuaosfahahaha.
Rose: Patrick is sitting next to the woman now. He has his head in his hand staring at her. He may as well have hearts coming out of his eyes. Woof.
Rose: Okay. My appointment was 10 minutes ago. Don't they know cough syrup has a life span?
Rose: Jesus Christ. I swear touching God's face...they are having a tickle fight. Now his legs are on her. WTF? I am so sicked out right now. SHe just asked if they could get a mani/pedi after.
*Rose then sent me a picture of the man walking away, except I couldn't make out anything but a purse.*
Rose: The receptionist just asked me if I had an appointment. Pretty sure I don't normally sit in the gyno office for shits and grins. Plus, I signed in. And gave her my new insurance card.
Jill: Stupid bitch.
Rose. I would be so pissed off it I didn't. I would strip down and be like "I am not wasting good drugs. Examine me." She just checked...I do have an appointment.
Jill: Goooood.
Jill: While we are talking about the downtown train station...we are invited to a Fun Party!!!
Rose: Dude. I just asked the bald nurse if I could use the bathroom and she said "Make the bladder gladder!"
Jill: Was it the gray headed, weird one? You should have said, "Makes the floor wetter if you don't show me where the bathroom is." I apparently have pent up anger and aggression today.
Rose: I couldn't think of anything except balding.
Jill: It is now 45 minutes past appointment time.
Rose: I have anxiety.
Jill: Just think it will all be over in 30 minutes.
Rose: My insurance changed. Fucking $50 co-pay.
Jill: Dude, that sucks.
Rose: Blood test and exam done. I am peacing the fuck out of here.
Jill: WHOO!!!!!


Rose and I thought you all might get a laugh out of this normal conversation between us....hope you enjoyed.

Happy Monday to you all.
<3,
Rose and Jill

Am I going to die?

Back a few months ago, I moved to Redneck City, KY. Of course, it's not really called Redneck City but probably should be. Anyway, my roommate and I have had our fair share of bonfires, camping trips and shooting guns in the past few months that we decided to change things up a bit. We went hiking.

Now, hiking I can do (or so I thought). I figured we would drive to some place in the Red River Gorge, park the car, get out and walk a bit then return. I figured wrong.

We end up going to Pilot's Knob. I had heard about Pilot's Knob in one of my Kentucky History classes during college but never really considered how one would get up there. I got out of the car, looked around and saw a trail going off to the left. It looked easy enough.

We start walking down the trail, talking, having a good time. Meg (my roommate) starts telling me about the last time she hiked up to Pilot's Knob. She's using phrases such as "I thought I was going to die" and "It was pure hell on Earth." So, I start asking questions...

First Question:

How far will we be walking?

Answer:

It's about a mile and half up and a mile and half down, but don't worry about the down part of it...you'll be sliding the entire way.

Second Question:

Sliding?

Answer:

Yes, sliding on your butt. It's faster and easier that way.

Third Question:

How far up are we going?

Answer:

All the way. To the peak of the hill.

**by hill, they actually meant mountain**

Fourth Question:

Am I going to die?

Answer:

No one answered.

We continue walking **and by walking I mean climbing** up this so called hill. I'm not lying when I say that it was straight up the entire way. Occasionally you would come across a ridge and be on flat ground for like 10 steps. Anyway, we get about 1/4 of the way up and my face is blood red and I'm out of breath. I stopped, looked around and decided that this trip was not for me. I considered walking back down. However, I continued.

I finally get up to the top after puking twice and wanting to die. Now, I have to say this...I'm allergic to onions and I had eaten something that had either touched or had onions in/on it that day. I maintain the stance that this is what caused me to puke.

It was absolutely gorgeous at the top. You could see both Lexington and Richmond, KY. We stayed up on the knob for about 15 minutes then started our descent.

We literally slid down on our butts the entire way down. My ass looked like I had shit myself about 15 times from all the mud on me. However, this was the most fun I've had in a long time. Imagine a 700 foot slide. It was great! Meg ripped open the back of her pants. She totally lost the pocket to her jeans!

If you all are around the KY area and like hiking I would definitely recommend visiting Pilot's Knob...just be prepared.

<3,>

Jill

i suck at life. or at least blogging.

I feel like lately every single time I realize that I'm a sucky blogger and vow to change that (by commenting and writing amazing posts) something prevents it.

Case in point:

I got sick on Wednesday at work. When I'm PMSing (which is just about every other week these days), I like to go to IHOP for lunch and get butterscotch rocks pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and hash browns. Nothing like the combo of so salty I need a gallon of water and so sugary I need cavaties filled to cure PMS. I'm maybe a quarter through my lunch and my tummy starts to hurt. On the way back to work I told my coworker, L, that I was about 99% positive that I was going to hurl when I got out of the car. (Fun fact on Rose: half of the time I can hold my puke until I can make it somewhere safe, the other half of the time I'll be mid-sentence and puke). Sure enough, as soon as I got out of the car, I threw up. Of course, I went home.

Thursday I was feeling a lot better. I got up to take a shower and noticed my eye was a little sore. I just figured it was a stye and rubbed a gold ring on it (I swear that if you're getting a stye and you rub gold on it, it will go away). All morning my contacts were blurry and I couldn't see for shit. At about noon I was smoking and L told me that I had a crusty eye booger that needed to be taken care of. I tried to wipe it away and it was like a line of snot. I was hoping it was just contact irritation. I knew when I left work on Thursday it wasn't just my contacts.

I was right... I have fucking pink eye. I feel like I should have passed the pink eye stage back in elementary school.

Friday morning with my eyes swollen and crusted shut. Seriously, that is the worst thing ever. On top of my eyes being super swollen and crusty, they hurt and itch. I had forgotton how uncomfortable it is.

I went to the doctor and he gave me a special type of drop since I had been wearing contacts. I'm banned from makeup and contacts for a week. Bummer. I also had to throw away my mascara that was two weeks old and my contacts that I had worn one day. FML.

It's a lot better today. Hardly red at all and just minor itching and oozing. I should be back to normal soon. I'll be commenting and hopefully writing more blogs!

Love,
Red Eye Rose

guilty

We're probably all offenders of this: sending text messages while inebriated. Sucks when you're the sender. Amazing when you read other peoples drunk texts.

Case in point: www.textsfromlastnight.com

Here are a few of my favorites:

(312): My room smells like vodka and shame

(970): Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(405): I'm drunk
(615): Is that why you're texting me
(405): Yes

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
(1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
(612): could be more
(1-612): absolutely not

(248): is swine flu sexually transmttd?
(313): Ha no, why?
(248): sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad

(817): I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.


delighted none were from me,
Rose

at least I got a drink out of it.

When I asked the blog for help with topics, The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know was the first to give a topic: "I love dating horror stories. What were your worst dates ever?"

Well, that is easy enough. Mine wasn't really a single it date. It was several forced awkward ones with the same person. I'm sure Jill remembers this all quite well (if she wasn't totally belligerently drunk the entire time. But to be fair, most of that year is a haze for me too) because we got some seriously good laughs out of it.

My senior year of college I dated (and I use this term lightly) a total douche bag. I knew he was a douche bag because he cheated on his girlfriend with me and that is how we got together in the first place. Jill knew he was a douche. All my other friends knew he was a douche. I think that is why I liked him... plus, he was pretty hot. Even my grandma said so. It didn't hurt that he had money and always paid for everything (I was in college and had to beg people for liquor money. Don't judge me.)

When I finally decided that I was over him, I started listening to my Mom. Mom had been trying to get me to go out with this guy named Will since I was about 17 which was about the last time I saw him. So I considered it a blind date.

"You all will get married. I just know it," she said. "You are perfect for each other!" I should have sprinted for the hills then, but being broke I figured,"Hey, free date. At least I can save money on food and buy more alcohol for later!"

You know the story: He called. We chatted a little about my life, a little about his life. He asked me out. We had a date for that Friday; he was to pick me up at my dorm around 8.

I got ready and waited for Will to show up. He called and said he was pulling in front of my dorm. I looked out the window and saw this:



Jill and I gasped. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I knew I was in for it at that very moment. First of all, that truck was a little to country for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I'm a born and bred country girl but really, a flat bed? What the fuck is the purpose of that? The only other person I knew with one was my 94 year old grandfather and even he didn't have a use for it!

I gave Will the benefit of the doubt and walked out to meet him. I grabbed onto the "oh shit" handle and hoisted myself up into that bad boy.

"I was thinking about the Logan's in BigTown for dinner and possibly a bar after." Will said. I told him that was fine and picked up my cell phone to text Jill that he wasn't horrendous and he seemed decent enough.

We got to dinner and he told me to go ahead and order a drink first. "I'll have a tall Amber Bock," I said. He just gave me a look that screamed LUSH. "I'll have a Coors light... in a bottle. I don't need a tall one." Uh oh. Awkward. We started chatting about life or something.

Then he drops the first bomb: BOOM "I'm 33." WOAH. Momma hooked me up with someone 12 years older than me? What could I possibly have in common? Before I had time to fully register that he had hit puberty before I was born, BOOM bomb number 2... "The longest relationship I've ever had was 6 weeks." AND YOU'RE 33?? I had relationships longer than that in middle school! I knew it couldn't possibly work and I wanted to get the fuck out of there. Plus, the dinner was coming to an end and I was itching to get back to campus to drink with my friends.

"So, Rose, about that bar?" Well, I felt obligated. It was 8:30 and I couldn't feign being tired. So he takes me someplace that looks like this:



I guess he listened when I told him that Jill and I frequented the shady bar up the road. Although we did go often, we went for free drinks and we were friends with the bar tender. That is not the type of place you take a girl on a first date.

About 15 minutes into I fed him a line of bullshit along the lines of "I have a bit of a headache and have to study for my senior thesis first thing in the morning." Like I would ever get up on a Saturday morning to study!

He drove me back and asked me if I would like to go out Tuesday night. For once in my life I couldn't come up with an excuse.

Tuesday came and I fucking felt obligated to go. I told him I had more studying to do (total lie, I had drinking plans) and that we should go to the Applebees in CollegeTown. After more forced and awkward conversation he took me back to my dorm. When he parked to let me out of the car he scooted himself next to me. First of all, I find sitting that close to someone that I don't care for extremely uncomfortable. Second of all, I knew what was next...

He kissed me. I felt like I was frenching my 5 year old dog. His tongue was everywhere. I've been throwing up drunk and had better kisses then that one.

So, he calls me on the following Saturday and I answered. My thoughts will be in italics.
Will: How are you?
Rose: Well and yourself? like I give a fuck
Will: Great! I can't wait to see you again. Oh, shit. Oh shit. He is going to ask me out again. What did you do last night?
Rose: Well, Jill and I went to our bar. Got pretty drunk. I headed back to the dorm. Jill being the Lush that she is stayed with the boys she met that night. One of the boys called me from Jill's phone and asked me to come over. They picked me up and we hung out until about 8 this morning.
Will: Well. This obviously isn't going to work out. We're in two completely different stages in our lives. You want to party too much.
Rose: Okay. Bye.

Then later that night he called me: "Rose, I'm drunk. I've been drinking since I talked to you earlier today. I'm upset. I thought this could really be something. I just don't understand why you aren't interested. When you graduate college will you be ready to settle down?" HE JUST KEPT GOING. No wonder his longest relationship was 6 weeks! "Well, Will. I'm not really sure. It sure has been real though!"

And that was that. Apparently during the span of our first and second date he stopped by my parent's house and had a drink with them and talked to them for quite a while about my beauty, my wit, and who the hell knows what else.

I had to explain to Mom that we were just in two different places. Plus I've had bottles of lube and periods that lasted longer than his entire relationship.

My Mom still brings him up. "Whatever happened with you and Will? I was so sure you would hit it off!"

Sure, Mom. If I wanted to date a clinger.

Still a drunk,
Rose

please remove my finger from your mouth, kind sir.

I just want to share something that happened to me Saturday night that I find extremely strange. And uncomfortable.

Saturday night I bar hopped with several of my friends (my good friend from college that I don't see enough, Tessa, and my co-worker, Leigh and a few other less important people). Good times were to be had (and the liquor was definitely flowing).

We ended up at one of the local Irish pubs. Green beer for St. Patty's (it's the first time I've ever had green beer!), a band with a flute, the whole shebang. Leigh, Tessa and I were talking to some guys I know from high school. Said high school friends introduced me to their friend, Dan, who I would say is in his mid-40s. As soon as I saw him I immediately knew who he was. He is on the police force in my hometown and friends with my Dad.

Rose: "Oh! I know you, I'm D's daughter!"
Dan: What? Oh, wow! I haven't seen you in years, you're all grown up! I just love your parents!

Then he starts talking to the guys from high school, "Rose's father is amazing, she's a great girl. Blah, blah, fucking blah." He was obviously extremely intoxicated. And by extremely intoxicated I mean stumbling around and could not focus his eyes.

This is where it gets really fucking strange and uncomfortable.

So Dan grabs my hand. I thought he was going to shake it or something but then he starts moving it towards his face. I just figured he was going to kiss my hand, strange, but whatever. But no...

The mother fucker bit my finger.

One minute I'm talking to him thinking he's gonna kiss my hand and the next thing I know he has my pointer finger in his mouth and he's biting away. He literally had over half of my finger in his mouth. On top of that he bit me pretty fucking hard. Who does that?!

I don't really remember what happened after that. Partly because I was drunk and partly because I was in shock. All I know is I had a bite mark on my finger. I have no clue if I was all "Dude, why are you biting my finger?" or "What the fuck are you doing, you ass cobra?" or I just sat there and took it while he used my finger as his personal raw-hide bone. All I do know is that after he bit my finger I didn't see him the rest of the night. He just disappeared.

Of course as soon as I got home the next morning I had to tell my Mom and Dad about Dan biting my finger. Like me, they had no words. I'm still in utter disbelief that someone bit my finger at a bar.

Not your chew toy,
Rose

barry manilow.

I'm back from my blogging hiatus. I just needed some time for myself. So this is kind of a pointless post just to say Hi and I'm back! However, you, our dear readers are in luck! I'm going to tell you something funny and slightly humiliating!

So I needed to channel all of my hurt, anger, loneliness, etc. into something but couldn't figure out what to do. I sure as fuck wasn't going to do laundry or clean. So I went to Wal-Mart and while aimlessly wandering around I remembered the button flower bouquets I saw at a vintage store. Needless to say, I bought every single button in the store.

I seriously started putting in hours of time into these suckers. As in I made an entire bouquet, didn't like it, took it apart and started over. I even bought a box for organization and spent 2 hours organizing by color.

Here is a button flower is for those who don't know:
Those are some I found on google. I was actually going to take a picture of the ones I made, but my camera is dead. Bummer.


ANYWAY

I decided I needed to download some sappy sad breakup songs for the occasion. I decided on some sweet tunes by Barry Manilow because, well, there isn't anything much more depressing (plus I had seen a news article similar to this earlier in the day).

Then I started to notice the strange pop-ups for some AdVirus2009 business.

I ended up with a computer virus from a Barry Manilow song.

Specifically, I ended up with a virus from Barry Manilow's song "I Can't Smile Without You." A song I had never even heard. I was just going to download "Mandy" or something of the sorts but when I saw the title I was all "Oh! That song will be PERFECT!"

You can quit laughing at me now

FML. Really? Barry EFFING Manilow? I think the only way the situation could have been worse would have been getting the virus from Barney's "I Love You."

And can we just take a moment to talk about how creepy Mr. Barry Manilow is? His skin is so taught.

Apparently Barry Manilow is to facelifts & botox what Michael Jackson is to nose jobs & skin bleaching.

<3,
Not a Fanilow,
Rose

P.S. I figured out how to stop the pop-ups so I'm thinking I'm in the clear for now. Next time I'm going for Celine Dion.

A dose of STFU

I get this text message from Jill yesterday: "I just went to the gyno. There was a bag behind the front desk with your name on it."

I called her back to let her know that it was because of the killer cramps the last couple days. I called my doctor to let her know that my period STILL has not started (5 days after the cramps started and now I'm on my next month of pills), I've felt like dead girl walking because percocet wasn't touching the pain, my hormones are obviously out of wack because I cried watching the Beyonce video Diva (Let me tell you, I was all sorts of torn up over her apparel decisions) and worst of all, I have acne like a teenager.

My doctor and I talked about it and decided the LoEstrin is obviously not for me so she switched me to FemCon (the reason for said bag). I'm going to try this for a couple months and if it doesn't help with the pelvic pain, we'll have to move on to more drastic measures (Lupron injections/ possible laprascopy).

So the first thing that has me intrigued by this FemCon is the fact that it is chewable. Really, a chewable birth control? Those are like the smallest pills you can get. It took all I had not to pop one of those suckers out and chomp on it to find out it's flavor. I decided to read the pamphlet and it says if you want to chew it up you have to drink 8 ounces of water (not exactly what I want to do first thing in the morning). So this morning I swallowed it, but it still let my mouth all minty; like I had just used mouthwash.

I talked to Sam about all of this (the steps we're taking to get rid of my pain) and he was very supportive (I think he's getting tired of rubbing my back every night for hours.. It doesn't necessarily help with my cramps, but I let him think it does. It just feels so good). During our conversation about all parts girly, I told him I needed to go to Walmart to get Midol (Maybe since percocets don't work, this will. Yeah right!). This is how our conversation went:

Rose: I need to go to Walmart for some midol.
Sam: What? Aren't you supposed to take that like every single day? Why are you just now getting it? Shouldn't you have some on hand?
R: Um, I guess you can take it every day, but it's mostly for period related issues. I'm just going to take it when I'm on my period like I used to when I was younger.
S: Well, I think you're supposed to take it every day. Maybe that is the reason you're always having cramps. It might even help with your mood swings
R: How about you take a nice dose of shut the fuck up. I will kill you.

See, perfect example of a mood swing. Came out of nowhere. He was trying to be helpful and I was trying to figure out what I could kill him with in my bathroom.

Does anyone have any experience with FemCon for endometriosis pain, Lupron injections or Laproscopy? If you do, please let me know about it. If you would like, you can send me an email to delightfullyinappropriate@yahoo.com instead of posting in a comment.

<3,
A moody Rose