Thursday, November 12, 2009

the un-tag

Tonight I finally did it: I deleted and untagged all the Sam & Rose pictures on facebook. It took (I removed him as my friend months ago when it was still to hard to see skanks posting pictures with him & writing on his wall)

I have no feelings for him at this point. We can't be friends. Since I ended it, I find him to be a pompous and arrogant asshole. When hearts are broken, people change. He changed...and in my opinion not for the better (but does that even matter? no.) Some people are able to walk away from relationships with knowledge they didn't previously have & others, well they don't.

Things I learned:
-I learned that letting your boyfriend buy you a yorkie after dating for 3 months is not a good idea; the dog will be the one caught in the middle.
-I learned that divorcees = disaster (at least for me!)
-I learned to NEVER change myself for the person I'm dating, it will only bite me in the ass later.
-I learned the qualities I need in a relationship (and the ones I don't want!).
-I learned to still schedule times to be with my friends; I'll regret it when we've grown apart.
-I learned to go into relationships with eyes wide open.
-I learned that I am lovable.
-I learned that my family and friends do know me better than I think and I should value and listen to their opinions.
-I learned to rely on other people
-I learned it's way more fun to roadtrip with a best friend to a wedding than to go with a boyfriend (Holla, Jill!)
-I learned that heavily medicating myself does work, but only for a short amount of time...sooner or later I'll have to deal.
-I learned that it is possible to start life over.

Looking back, I think I always knew it wouldn't work. I wouldn't change it though. If nothing else, it was one helluva learning experience.


Friday, November 6, 2009

quarter-life crisis

I'm fairly certain that I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. A lot of little things have been accumulating for quite some time now (honestly, it's nothing worth posting about!). I came across this writing last night & liked it... I think it does a pretty good job at explaining everything. I hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

The Quarter-Life Crisis
By: Unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd & start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Monday, November 2, 2009

hey, pretty lady. won't you give me a sign?

So, I have John on the back burner and I kind of like it that way. I'm the one holding the cards (well, I'm ALWAYS the one holding the cards). I know he'll jump at the chance to have me again.

This is our text convo from Friday night.
John: I just took a picture with some children for Halloween that are dressed up like me. That makes me a hero! (John works at UPS)
Rose: Can I see your package again?
J: Anytime, lady!
R: How's tonight? (I had zero intention of seeing him that night. I was with Jill & our friend Luke)
J: Seriously? I can't tonight; I already have plans. Do you want to go out with us or maybe we can hang out tomorrow?
R: Eh, maybe another time

---Fast forward to Sunday---
Luke, my mom & I frequent an auction house almost every Sunday. We check out the men, buy some antiques and just have a lazy afternoon. It's a great way to end the weekend. Luke and I are sitting in the first row just jabbering about nothing important with my sister (who occasionally comes too).

This was our conversation:

Luke (pointing to the door): Oh my God. That guy is fucking hot.
I look to my right and who do I see? John. FML.
Rose: "Holy Fuck, L. That's John!"
Luke: "Jesus, he is beautiful, Rose! Is he the one you slept with? Why aren't you sleeping with him right now?"
R: "Shut the fuck up, L. My sister doesn't know I slept with him. The sex is mediocre, remember the conversation we had about it on Friday? Ok, shhhh now."
L: "Well, if you don't want to fuck him, I will."
R: "I hate you."
Sister: "Rose! There's John! Go talk to him!!! You all are so darling together."
R: "Sis, shut up. There isn't anything there."
S: "Um, I'm fairly certain there is."
R: "Nope. Nothing. We don't even have a single thing to talk about."
S: "You love him. I know it."
(Cue Rose's exit to the bathroom)

Side Note: The reason my sister doesn't know we've slept together is because she's all "You love him. You all are soul mates. You've always loved him. You'll get married, I just know it. He worked an entire summer to get a limo to take you to prom. Don't you remember how much fun we all used to have in high school?? " When I explain to her that we have nothing to talk about she still thinks it will happen. She doesn't seem to get it that it was 10 years ago. People change a lot in 10 years. It's annoying and I don't want to tell her that we have a purely sexual relationship. That will open up the floor for a major lecture.
...but I digress.

First of all, I never run into him in public. Ever. I only see him when I want. Second of all, it's a wee bit awkward to see him outside of the bedroom. I intentionally didn't go talk to him (I hold the cards, remember?). We sent a couple text messages back & forth while he was there.

But at least I know that if it gets bad enough I can always call him. I just want to use that as my last option because I'd rather not have sex than have mediocre sex.

...maybe I'll send him a good morning text right now. Maybe not. :)

Ex's & Oh's,

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