Sunday, August 23, 2009

*Expose Yourself*

I'm sure when Gina decided to tag us in the Expose Yourself thing she did it for two reasons.

1. She knew that one or both of us would do it (our blog isn't called Delightfully Inappropriate for nothing!)
2. She wanted us to get back to blogging!

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

I guess I should tell you who this is posting: Rose! If Jill wants to do it, she'll post a separate entry. Let's face it, we're huge slackers at blogging so you'll get two instead of one :)

1. I'm OBSESSED with this product called Liquid V for Women. The product claims to
"helps to stimulate and heighten the sensitivity in a woman's erogenous zone. This increases the rate of orgasms therefore making the moment one that can only be achieved with Liquid V." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever about all of that. All I know is when I dab a bit on my orgasms are better and quicker. I can't give a good enough review of this stuff. It may not work for everyone so I suggest getting a sample (there are little $4 samples which last quite a while at the check out counter of our Hustler)

2. I like it a bit rough. Push me around a little bit, bite me a little bit harder, slap my ass and pull my hair. I'm all yours if you do that.

3. I prefer missionary position. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it any which way, I don't really care... Missionary is just my favorite! How old school am I?

I hereby pass this award on to: ANYONE who feels brave enough to post it! Come on ladies, you know you want to!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The things you see...when you don't have a gun.

Back in May I moved to a new town. I have had a few odd experiences in the little town but none compare to what happened last night.

I was driving home from work, it's about a 45 minute drive...depending on traffic it can take an hour. Anyway, I had worked overtime and was leaving work around 6:30pm. I get into my car, turn on the music, roll down the windows and get on my way. The drive was much as it is every day. Smoking cigarettes, trying not to fall know, the usual. I get into my small town and decide that because it was a pretty day I'd drive around in the country for a bit, just to see what I could see.

I pull up next to this old black barn, it's falling apart and you can see straight through the side of it into the adjoining field. At this point I think I'm seeing things anyway because of how tired I was...I look over at the barn and see some people standing at the back of it. Okay's time to hang tobacco so it's normal to see people congregating around barns waiting for the trailer full of tobacco to get there so it can be hung. I didn't see any tobacco in the fields around me, but still thought nothing of it. I drove a little bit more, but turns out the road I was on dead ended at the Kentucky River. I had two choices...either drive through the river (not going to happen) or turn around.

This time around I got a better look at the people standing by the barn. They were definitely not there to hang tobacco. They had a bonfire going with some sort of large animal on the fire. I've seen people burn animals that have died on farms before, it happens all the time actually. These people were not in "farm clothing"...not at all. Each person had on black pants and white shirts, what looked to be button up shirts.

At that point I decided it was best for me to pick up my speed and act like I hadn't seen a thing...of course I had to write a blog on it.

I'm sure it was some cult ritual. Of course I'm going to have to drive down there again and do some snooping...let's just hope I can remember what road I turned down!!

Oh the things you see when you don't have a gun. Haha.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

25 Inappropriate Things About Jill

I'm copying Rose on this one. I wanted to write something, but was having severe writer's here it goes...25 Inappropriate Things About Me.

1. I have slept with over 25 people, in a matter of 5 years. It's only an average of 5 per year...However, the only guys I've slept with in the past two years are all repeats. Pretty much just cut that down to 25 guys in 3 years. Doesn't sound so good now huh?

2. I have 4 tattoos. My parents only know about two of them...

3. Some of you all will remember this from a previous post. Here it goes again...I slept with Rose's younger brother. He had just turned 18, I was 22.

4. I have one of the foulest mouths. I can drop "fuck" in a sentence 6 times without even noticing I'm doing it. I also really enjoy the words cunt and ass cobra.

5. I have had buttsex. Yes, I know Rose said this in hers...but not only have I done it once, I've done it 3 times. Not enjoyable at any point and time. I will not be doing this again. But hey, you've got to spice up the sex life somehow, right?

6. I tend to get tired of people quickly. So, when dating someone I usually end up going for the guys best friend. I have almost ruined several "bromances" due to this behavior. I'm not proud.

7. I have 5 vibrators. I only use one of them. It's rechargeable! It was also on sale for $60 from $150.

8. My word vomit is horrible. I have no verbal filter. I say what I think, at all times.

9. I think about sex more than a man., sex, sex.

10. I've been in the process of losing weight for a little over a year now. I'm not trying to lose it quickly, so I've only lost about 40 lbs since I started. I still look in the mirror and see what I used to. This works in my favor, guys now think I'm hot and because I'm not used to male attention like that I unintentionally blow them off and that turns them on. I win.

11. I can always get a good laugh off of some politically incorrect joke.

12. I once was driving in a parking lot at a local mall. There was a 3 way stop, I stopped first so I was supposed to go first. Anyway, this man in a mini van almost side swiped me. I yelled "Get the fuck out of the way, you ass-cobra!" The mini van's windows were open. The man just looked at me like "What did she just call me?" He was more confused than angry that I was yelling at him.

13. I have no problem making fun of people to their face, especially if I don't know you. I used to go shopping with my roommate. We would get fucked up, walk around and make fun of all the high school kids. I'm a winner.

14. My first time at Bonnaroo I bought some sweet tea and a corn dog at the Dave show. 15 minutes after taking my first sip of the sweet tea I started seeing Jesus in the clouds. That was the best sweet tea I have ever had.

15. Back in college, Rose and I crashed a Bachelor Party. We didn't even know these guys! I ended up almost sleeping with the Bachelor. A friend of ours came into the room and told me it wasn't going to happen. I rolled over and said "You think I'd actually do anything with that tiny thing? Gives a whole new meaning to "shake it like a salt shaker."

16. I never give second chances to people. You fuck me over, I will make your life a living hell. For little sister in the sorority I was in during college. She fooled around with a guy I had been dating on and off for several years, during a time that me and him were together. I made her life so horrible that she transferred schools and decided she was a lesbian.

17. I used to keep Facebook open at work, all day long. Now, they've gone and blocked it. I feel like I'm beating the system by using my phone.

18. The other day while on lunch I went to this convention my employers were having. They had a group of handicapped kids performing a dance. I sat there and didn't know whether or not to laugh or cry. Everyone around me had no problem deciding which one to do...they were fighting back tears.

19. When Rose and I were checking out of our hotel in Baltimore, we had an Indian woman checking us out. She was asking me a question, I didn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. My response was "Huh?!?!?" in a rather loud voice. She asked again. Rather loudly I respond with "WHAT?!?!?" Rose walked off, while she was walking away I finally understood what the woman was saying to me, "Did you enjoy your stay?" My response, "Oh, huh"...I then walked off. One of the groomsmen was sitting at a table in the lobby. He looked at Rose and said, "Yeah, I'd walk off too if she were my friend." The entire lobby heard me acting like a dumbass.
Rose...she knew exactly what the woman was saying to me the entire time.

20. I once had sex within 3 feet of my roommate at the time. Good thing she was passed out drunk.

21. I made out with one of my best girl friends to get a guy away from me at a bar. He was "in love" with me and wouldn't stop dry humping my leg, we weren't even out on the dance floor. I told him I was a lesbian and that my friend was my long-term girlfriend.

22. I once met a guy from at midnight in a random park, about 2 years ago. Turns out he's a really great guy. I'm actually going over to his place tonight... ;)

23. My friend Luke and I send emails back and forth everyday making fun of the teachers he works with. They send him stupid shit all day long, he sends it to me. I make fun of the person. He laughs. I laugh. Making fun of people, it's what I do best.

24. I don't like to be clothed.

25. I have this problem where I give people horrible looks without realizing that I am doing it. I've actually made a person cry, just by the way I looked at them. It's hard to describe, but trust me...if I don't like you, you can tell it by the look in my eyes...and I'm not shy about it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

25 Inappropriate Things.

I saw this idea somewhere else but I can't remember where. This is a list of 25 inappropriate/bad things about me.

I'm not tagging anyone in this. It's pretty amusing to do though!

on to the list:

1. I flip the bird at least 10 times a week while driving.

2. I'm supposed to make at least 35 calls a day to clients. I call Jill, my mom, my sister, my dad's office and sometimes my cell phone's voicemail to reach the number

3. I am a straight up creep status. If I want to know something about you I will find it out. I will facebook, myspace and/or google the shit out of you. I've even made Jill drive passed a house or two to see the guy's living situation.

4. Sometimes when I get pain pills for my cramps, I'll take one or two recreationally.

5. Lately, when someone pisses me off I've written them off. I used to be forgiving but not so much anymore. I have a "fuck off and die" list right now.

6. I got caught shoplifting when I was 16 and was on probation until I was 18

7. My 16 year old cousin went shopping with me last weekend. Instead of scolding her, I asked her why she didn't lift something for me.

8. I say "fuck" at least 100 times a day.

9. When I was 21, I had a freshman fling who had just turned 18. Now, at 23, I made out with a 47 year old co-worker who is married and has kids my age. Also at 23, I have a minor crush on my little brothers best friend. I need to change my life, starting immediately.

10. I am in love with a guy from work. It's not even that he's really attractive. He's about 40. Has a wife and kid. We have so much in common it's ridiculous. Sparks start flying when we start talking. We love the same music, books, bars and the list could go on. A co-worker even noticed it. I wish he wasn't married OR had a kid because I would be allllll over that. I think about fucking him all the time. I mean All. The. Time.

11. My first vibrator will always be my favorite. I hope it never dies.

12. I will always have a love for the "Team America" song... America, FUCK YEAH... so lick my butt and suck on my balls. It always gets stuck in my head at the most inappropriate times right now, at work.

13. The same with "Wow, I can get sexual too" by Say Anything... "I called her on the phone and she touched herself....she touched herself...she touched herself. I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I laughed myself to sleep."

14. I say exactly what I think. If I think something looks bad, I'll say it. Normally this causes shocked reactions from people because the word "fuck" is often involved.

15. I once left a fraternity party to go home with a boy from another school. He was engaged. Jill got pissed and I told her I would find my own way home from his house. She called my sister. Our friendship almost ended over it.

16. The first person I ever gave a blowjob to had a serious girlfriend. After him there was a string of guys who were in relationships. I'm passed that stage in my life (ignore said 47 year old co-worker. I was fuuuuucked up).

17. I once hooked up with a guy name Bobby. He was decent looking and hung around my coffee house. He crashed a college party and told all my friends that I gave him the best head of his life. I took a bit of pride in that. Then Jill had butt sex with him.

18. Ever since I broke up with Sam I've been horny all the time. It sucks because the men around here = not so good.

19. The other night I asked my Dad a pressing question. "Dad, here's a pressing question: is it better to have oral or genital herpes? Do you want the world to know you're a whore or just your significant other?" See... I'm even inappropriate with my parents.

20. Apparently when I'm messed up, I always talk about sex. Jill said that a night with me isn't complete unless I bring up sex.. The other day I actually said "I'm trying really hard not to talk about sex right now."

21. 90% of the time my boobs are showing at work. Unless I have on a turtleneck or t-shirt, my cleavage is showing. Although not my fault, my boobs are huge. No one has ever said anything though.

22. If I'm eating at work and not going out to lunch, I won't stay clocked out for an hour. I'll clock out, cook my food, eat it, clock back in and then sit around for a while smoking or whatever. They cut my overtime at work, so I have to do something. Plus, this normally results in being able to leave early on Friday because I've capped my hours.

23. An addition to #5. On Saturday Jill & I went to a wedding. A pregnant friend (well, former friend. neither of us has talked to her in about a year), wanted to catch up with us. We ignored her. Straight up looked her in the eyes and walked away. No words exchanged.

24. I like off color jokes. Helen Keller and dead baby jokes almost always cause me to chuckle.

25. I've spent more time making this list than actually working.

This list was a bit difficult to write. There are so many different things I could write but I didn't want to air all of my dirty laundry :)


Thursday, August 6, 2009


It has been what feels like forever since I've written a blog post. My apologies. I'll start writing again, I swear.

I can't think of a good topic so I'm falling back on one I've wanted to do for months.


Here are some of my favorite searches (and of course, my running commentary!) that landed people on our blog since December 2008:

-fuck my life dot com
(why didn't this cheese ball just type it in the browser?)


-put your party hat on. and by party hat i mean no panties
(I swear, I am going to send that text to a man one day)

-"we have located your pants"
(where have they been? I've been looking for them for AGES)

-accelerated reader test cheats
(stfu. I didn't know AR was still around!)

-barry manilow virus
(ugh. it's the equivalent of chlamydia to a laptop)

-blowjobs at the drive in
(that wasn't me!)

-vagina necklace
(okay, I understand stumbling across this online. However, actually searching for it? I hope they didn't buy it!)

-"a pelvic" doctor me
(you sure as fuck aren't giving me a pelvic exam if you're the pelvic doctor. And whats up with the incorrect use of quotations ??)

-"condiment as a verb"
(how in the hell did you end up on our blog??)

-"full bladder" "better orgasms"
(I'll take my chances on not having a better orgasm in order not to piss all over someone)

-"i just saw a midget buying"
(what? what did you see it buy? porn? an el camino? a mullet wig???)

-jill fart
(and it was rank)

-"life's a bitch" charm
(as in for a bracelet? that could work if Jill and I can't afford our "Best Fucking Friends" charm necklace!)

-"pooped my pants" panties
(do your panties say "pooped my pants" or did you do it?)

-"she had to pee so bad"
(story of my life)

-25 inappropriate things about me
(future blog post from Rose)

-1girl and 1cup
-3 cups 1girl
-to grils one cup
(okay. it's 2 girls, 1 cup.)

-apartment "peeing off the balcony"
(does this happen a lot? and you too have issues with quotes)

-asking when am i getting pregnant just because im newly married is pathetic
(how did you end up here? we're not married nor pregnant. interesting)

-blog posts about sonic drive in
(i'm assuming this was a Sonic employee. If so, email me at delightfullyinappropriate at yahoo dot com and i'll give you my address for the free coupons I should get for watching someone piss in your drive thru)

-boners caught in public
(i'm guessing a gay man searched this)

-did it really happen drunk

-gave him boner

-girls fuck blogger
(we are girls. we fuck. we have a blog. we don't fuck blogger)

-i'd hit that 911
(I'm taking 911 as NOW. So, ditto)

-inappropriate ladies

-jill got him cheating boyfriend ky 2009
(Jill, do we need to share something?)

-mature vulva
(mah. not here)

-puking sorority blowjob
(i've had some rough nights in the past but nothing to that extreme)

-when are kittens most plentiful
(spring. haha. i don't think there is ever a more plentiful time!)

-wifi "chest monitor"
(i don't even know what you mean. however, I applaud your use of quotes since nothing makes sense)

-young hotties no kids not married

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