Friday, February 27, 2009

Honey, I'm home!

Sam called me this morning and told me the best story I've heard all week. And yes, although we've been major slackers, this will be a *FUF* post.

Sam is currently living with his parents due to financial issues from a divorce (I was a dirty mistress, sort of. They were in the process of getting divorced when we started dating). His family has remodeled the basement and made a couple bedrooms and a tv room out of it. His cousin also lives with them. There is an entrance to the basement around the back of the house. This is normally left unlocked (Sam & his cousin have lost their keys).

He heard strange noises last night. He looked around and thought it was his cousin coming in from her boyfriend's house and she had turned on a tv. Then he heard someone calling his name. He looked up and there was a man standing in his bedroom (who had obviously come in through the unlocked basement). He realized who it was; it was his friend Mark. Mark works for Sam's step-father and he thought that maybe he had come to help his step-father do some things around the house. Then Sam looked at the clock and realized it was 4 in the morning.

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing here at 4 in the morning?"
"Dude, I need a ride home and quick."
"What? What the hell is going on?"
"I'll tell you in the car, just come on."

Sam and Mark get in the car. Mark proceeds to tell him his FUF story of the night:

Mark had gone to Country Bar which is a club/bar type thing in Big Town. He then ends up absolutely smashed and starts talking to a girl. I guess there was some sort of chemistry because ol' girl decided to take Mark home. They get to her house and they start making some sweet, sweet lovin'.

Mark hears a door open and a man say "Honey, I'm home." Ol' girl was MARRIED and brought a man home while her husband was at work! Needless to say, Mark flips out. He scrambles to put on his pants, shoes & sweatshirt on (leaving his t shirt, boxers & socks behind) and gets out of the house. (I'm not sure if he goes out a door or what, but I assume the husband didn't see him).

He gets a good look at his surroundings and realizes he's about 5 miles from Sam's house. Fearing for his life he runs the entire way to get a ride home. He took the path of least resistance and ran through horse farms, people's yards, woods, etc.

Yes, I'm still laughing about it. Here are the reasons:
1. Who says "Honey I'm home" these days?
2. He went to Country Bar and wore a sweatshirt? I'm kind of surprised they let him in.
3. He left his socks, boxers & shirt behind. Like she can cover that one up. I see the conversation now "Whose boxers are these?" "Honey these are YOUR boxers." "BULLSHIT. I don't wear that brand!"
4. He ran 5 miles. 5 MILES to safety. I would have hidden behind a bush and called Jill to come get me. Fuck all that running.
5. Can we just talk about how he had to run through a horse farm? I'm telling you, he passed through some rough terrain.
6. I like to think he jumped out of a window. That is how it happened in my mind. I hope I'm right.


Under the Influence said...

Definitely jumped out the window!

Apparently he left his cell phone behind. Who runs five miles when they can hide out for a few minutes and then call a cab?

Girl On A Journey said...

LMAO!!! This is F*** My Life material!!!

JayCee Leigh said...

This is AMAZING, that's what! I would have DIED laugh hearing this story!!!

Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch) said...

This is DEFINITELY fuck my life material!!!! hahahaha!!! I am loving it. First the farts, now this. Just gets better and better.

Lil' Woman said...

No really.. first the farting now aiding and abetting a drunken runaway...lmfao!!
-these stories always keep me coming back to you ladies..fuckin hilarious!

Private Eyes said...


Gina said...

For real? I thought shit like that only happened in corny movies. That's all kinds of awesome. I finally got around to your interview questions on my blog, by the way.

Life at the White House said...

this is priceless. and seriously, 5 miles - i don't know that i could walk 5 miles. now i'm dying to know if her husband found out. what a weirdo - bringing a guy from the bar to her HOUSE while her husband was at work.

insomniaclolita said...

LOL HILARIOUUUUUUUUS. The dude had to be really panicking that he couldnt even think clearly at all.

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

OMG - - where WAS his cellphone? Or did he just make up the tale to get the ride home cause he ran out of gas and didn't have the $$ for more?

Melissa said...

nominated u for some awards, come check it out

Melissa said...

that was so funny. im guessing he didnt care how she explained the clothese he left he was just tryin to save his won life..screw her..hmm, no pun intended, lol

DeeBee said...

Very funny! Loved this story.

Constructive Attitude said...

where was HIS car though? he had to have gotten to this Country Bar somehow.

and whats FUF?

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