stupid broken organ.

Wow. I can't believe it has been almost a month since I've written! Exactly 5 days after my last post (which would have been November 17th), I had an emergency appendectomy (which would be why it's taken so long to write again!).

I was sick for 6 weeks. (yes, six very long, very excruciating weeks!). I had bronchitis, I had a sinus infection, I was throwing up for no reason, I had a cough and was literally turning into a snotface! The three days before I had surgery I threw up everything I tried to eat.

On Tuesday morning (November 17th), my Mom told me that I looked ghostly pale and suggested that I stay home from work. I looked at her and said "Mom, I've been sick for six solid weeks. Nothing is going to change today; I may as well go to work."

So off I went.

At work I joked around with a friend how I felt like I wasn't really sick but I was being poisoned slowly by someone I knew (I was watching Nip/Tuck the night before!), I just needed to figure out who was poisoning me and for what reason!

Around 10 that morning my stomachache started migrating toward my right side. I just knew it was either my period or appendicitis. Around noon the pain started increasing so I decided it would probably be best to leave for the day.

In the 20 minute drive from work to my Dad's office (I wanted to talk to my Mom) the pain amplified. I could barely get out of the car and couldn't stand upright. As soon as I saw my mom I burst into tears and said "Something is very wrong." She called the doctor and they set up an appointment for 3:30. I tried to sleep in my Dad's office while waiting the three hours until it was time to see the doctor. Around 3 I couldn't take the pain anymore and told Mom that I needed to go immediately. Every bump in the car sent radiating pain through my side.

The doctor took me right on back. I explained to him the pain I was having in my side and he examined me. When he touched my side I almost punched him in the face it hurt so bad. He said he thought it was the appendix & that I needed to go to the hospital for further testing. Before I left his office he gave me a shot of some sort of heaven. Took all the pain away for about an hour.

I got checked into the hospital around 4 and had a CT (probably 5ish...I had to drink that chalk crap). While waiting for the results to come back from the CT, my doctor came in and prescribed morphine for me as the meds from his office had worn off. As soon as the nurse gave me my dose of it, I felt a burning sensation in my throat and I could see a rash developing on my arm. My Mom said my eyes rolled back in my head and I plopped my head back on the pillow... I'm obviously allergic to Morphine! Doc was still nearby so he was able to give me a huge dose of benedryl and *voila* I was good again. However, after that I was only allowed Demerol!

The results came back around an hour after the CT scan. I was on the operating table less than half an hour after that. Luckily, my appendix hadn't ruptured but it was close; the doctor sent home pictures and you can see where it was bulging out. I am so lucky I went to the doctor when I did! The doctor was able to do it laproscopically and I ended up with an inch long scar under my boobs and a small one on my panty line and right under my belly button. Not so bad!

I ended up having 2 weeks off work. (Thank you, Thanksgiving for giving me a couple extra days off!) After two years of employment (which for me was about 2 weeks before my appendix went bust), we get 6 weeks paid time off for emergencies which was amazing since I didn't have enough sick time to cover the entire absence! It also looks like I will only have about $2,500 worth of medical bills too (which seems like a lot, but the surgery alone was $17,000).

It all happened so fast... less than 12 hours from the start of the pain until surgery! So yeah, I'm back and better than ever!

This post is already long enough, so I'll have part 2 coming up soon.... The surgeon who didn't want to do my surgery & the recovery nurse from hell are up next!!

Appendix free is the way to be!
Rose

Sitting there...waiting...take me on back...

Rose is currently sitting in our gynocologist's waiting room...yes we have the same gyno...
To ease some of her pre-"spread your legs as wide as possible" jitters Rose took a swig of some pretty intense cough medicine. I also decided that I should take a swig of my intense cough medicine as well (we both had the flu last week)...We have been text messaging for the past 30 minutes...

Jill: What does a 400 lb woman and a cement block have in common? Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican (disclaimer: I have no problem with 400 lb. women, or mexicans...keep in mind I'm just trying to ease Rose's nerves...)
Rose: Haaaaahahaaaaa.
Jill: How do they differ? When you lay a cement block it doesn't follow you around for the next month.
Rose: I am sitting by a huuuuuuuuuuuuge white bitch right now. I think she *could* be hiding a baby under all her lovin'.
Jill: Or she could be baking a turkey in that oven.
Rose: Hahaha. I am so fucked up right now. You are crackin' me up.
Rose: or she could be skinny like a snake. But she just ate a pug so she's big in the middle.
Jill: It's definitely possible. You should look her in the eyes or get her to stick out her tongue.
Rose: No, she's got a sketch pot with her who probably wants to do dirty things with me. I can't be tempting him with all this sexiness.
Jill: Ha. Is he mexican?
Rose: No. I think he may look like an uglier and more poor Patrick Swayze...but I am took scared to really look.
Rose: I'm trying not to cough because there was a sign that said if you have a cough, wear a mask. I am not about that. I reeealy need to cough though. Fuck. My. Life.
Rose: P.S. I am glad you make yourself available to talk to me while I sit here. It really helps when people reply.
Jill: I'm your bitch...haha. You talked to me via text the entire time I was getting the IUD implanted.
Rose: Yeah. That made my vag hurt thinking about it.
Jill: Geeze. You can totally tell our gyno is a female. A man would jump at the opportunity to have a woman go all spread eagle in the stirrups...there would never be a wait.
Rose: I don't want a man Dr...if a man is poking around in the downtown train station it better be with his pody parts...Not stirrups.
Jill: Let's hope the train conductor is sexy.
Rose: No kidding.
Rose: Dude, our Doctor is a female.
Rose: Ohhh. I just got that. Laksjodifuaosfahahaha.
Rose: Patrick is sitting next to the woman now. He has his head in his hand staring at her. He may as well have hearts coming out of his eyes. Woof.
Rose: Okay. My appointment was 10 minutes ago. Don't they know cough syrup has a life span?
Rose: Jesus Christ. I swear touching God's face...they are having a tickle fight. Now his legs are on her. WTF? I am so sicked out right now. SHe just asked if they could get a mani/pedi after.
*Rose then sent me a picture of the man walking away, except I couldn't make out anything but a purse.*
Rose: The receptionist just asked me if I had an appointment. Pretty sure I don't normally sit in the gyno office for shits and grins. Plus, I signed in. And gave her my new insurance card.
Jill: Stupid bitch.
Rose. I would be so pissed off it I didn't. I would strip down and be like "I am not wasting good drugs. Examine me." She just checked...I do have an appointment.
Jill: Goooood.
Jill: While we are talking about the downtown train station...we are invited to a Fun Party!!!
Rose: Dude. I just asked the bald nurse if I could use the bathroom and she said "Make the bladder gladder!"
Jill: Was it the gray headed, weird one? You should have said, "Makes the floor wetter if you don't show me where the bathroom is." I apparently have pent up anger and aggression today.
Rose: I couldn't think of anything except balding.
Jill: It is now 45 minutes past appointment time.
Rose: I have anxiety.
Jill: Just think it will all be over in 30 minutes.
Rose: My insurance changed. Fucking $50 co-pay.
Jill: Dude, that sucks.
Rose: Blood test and exam done. I am peacing the fuck out of here.
Jill: WHOO!!!!!


Rose and I thought you all might get a laugh out of this normal conversation between us....hope you enjoyed.

Happy Monday to you all.
<3,
Rose and Jill

i suck at life. or at least blogging.

I feel like lately every single time I realize that I'm a sucky blogger and vow to change that (by commenting and writing amazing posts) something prevents it.

Case in point:

I got sick on Wednesday at work. When I'm PMSing (which is just about every other week these days), I like to go to IHOP for lunch and get butterscotch rocks pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and hash browns. Nothing like the combo of so salty I need a gallon of water and so sugary I need cavaties filled to cure PMS. I'm maybe a quarter through my lunch and my tummy starts to hurt. On the way back to work I told my coworker, L, that I was about 99% positive that I was going to hurl when I got out of the car. (Fun fact on Rose: half of the time I can hold my puke until I can make it somewhere safe, the other half of the time I'll be mid-sentence and puke). Sure enough, as soon as I got out of the car, I threw up. Of course, I went home.

Thursday I was feeling a lot better. I got up to take a shower and noticed my eye was a little sore. I just figured it was a stye and rubbed a gold ring on it (I swear that if you're getting a stye and you rub gold on it, it will go away). All morning my contacts were blurry and I couldn't see for shit. At about noon I was smoking and L told me that I had a crusty eye booger that needed to be taken care of. I tried to wipe it away and it was like a line of snot. I was hoping it was just contact irritation. I knew when I left work on Thursday it wasn't just my contacts.

I was right... I have fucking pink eye. I feel like I should have passed the pink eye stage back in elementary school.

Friday morning with my eyes swollen and crusted shut. Seriously, that is the worst thing ever. On top of my eyes being super swollen and crusty, they hurt and itch. I had forgotton how uncomfortable it is.

I went to the doctor and he gave me a special type of drop since I had been wearing contacts. I'm banned from makeup and contacts for a week. Bummer. I also had to throw away my mascara that was two weeks old and my contacts that I had worn one day. FML.

It's a lot better today. Hardly red at all and just minor itching and oozing. I should be back to normal soon. I'll be commenting and hopefully writing more blogs!

Love,
Red Eye Rose

A dose of STFU

I get this text message from Jill yesterday: "I just went to the gyno. There was a bag behind the front desk with your name on it."

I called her back to let her know that it was because of the killer cramps the last couple days. I called my doctor to let her know that my period STILL has not started (5 days after the cramps started and now I'm on my next month of pills), I've felt like dead girl walking because percocet wasn't touching the pain, my hormones are obviously out of wack because I cried watching the Beyonce video Diva (Let me tell you, I was all sorts of torn up over her apparel decisions) and worst of all, I have acne like a teenager.

My doctor and I talked about it and decided the LoEstrin is obviously not for me so she switched me to FemCon (the reason for said bag). I'm going to try this for a couple months and if it doesn't help with the pelvic pain, we'll have to move on to more drastic measures (Lupron injections/ possible laprascopy).

So the first thing that has me intrigued by this FemCon is the fact that it is chewable. Really, a chewable birth control? Those are like the smallest pills you can get. It took all I had not to pop one of those suckers out and chomp on it to find out it's flavor. I decided to read the pamphlet and it says if you want to chew it up you have to drink 8 ounces of water (not exactly what I want to do first thing in the morning). So this morning I swallowed it, but it still let my mouth all minty; like I had just used mouthwash.

I talked to Sam about all of this (the steps we're taking to get rid of my pain) and he was very supportive (I think he's getting tired of rubbing my back every night for hours.. It doesn't necessarily help with my cramps, but I let him think it does. It just feels so good). During our conversation about all parts girly, I told him I needed to go to Walmart to get Midol (Maybe since percocets don't work, this will. Yeah right!). This is how our conversation went:

Rose: I need to go to Walmart for some midol.
Sam: What? Aren't you supposed to take that like every single day? Why are you just now getting it? Shouldn't you have some on hand?
R: Um, I guess you can take it every day, but it's mostly for period related issues. I'm just going to take it when I'm on my period like I used to when I was younger.
S: Well, I think you're supposed to take it every day. Maybe that is the reason you're always having cramps. It might even help with your mood swings
R: How about you take a nice dose of shut the fuck up. I will kill you.

See, perfect example of a mood swing. Came out of nowhere. He was trying to be helpful and I was trying to figure out what I could kill him with in my bathroom.

Does anyone have any experience with FemCon for endometriosis pain, Lupron injections or Laproscopy? If you do, please let me know about it. If you would like, you can send me an email to delightfullyinappropriate@yahoo.com instead of posting in a comment.

<3,
A moody Rose

He has seen your what???

It's my mom's birthday weekend. My family celebrates birthdays by becoming gluttons for a weekend.

Last night my family got together for my mom's official birthday meal. We went to a really nice restaurant, where I didn't feel comfortable anyway. So, we are sitting there having a great time when this guy comes in and starts talking to my dad. My dad knows everyone in our city. And by everyone, I seriously mean everyone. Anyway, I look at this guy talking to my dad when I realize that he is one of the doctors at the local ER.

Apparently my face turned really red, because my mom looked over at me and said "Are you okay? Your face just turned really red." She thought I was choking on my sashimi. So, I swallowed my food and all I could get out were the words "He has seen my za-za-down-there." Everyone at the table looked at me. They thought I had done the deed with this guy! Quickly I had to explain that he was an ER doctor and that I had gone to the ER with bad stomach pains, they gave me a pelvic exam, and he just happened to be the doctor to dive in down there.
The doctor guy, who is still talking to my dad while I'm explaining all this to my family, looks over at me. He cracks a smile and says "Don't worry I wouldn't recognize what your face looked like anyway...I'd have to see the nether regions of your body."
I almost spit my food out.

The doctor dude and his date ended up being seated at the table next to us, so needless to say I ended up with a really awkward dinner experience. I'm pretty sure that the doctor ended up explaining the whole story to his date too, because she started hysterically laughing a few minutes after they sat down.

My dad also had to tell the other side of the family tonight at Olive Garden the whole story. So, I got to re-live the entire experience. Lovely.

WTF, your mortified BFF Jill?

Let There be Sight

For me, going to the eye doctor is up there with going to the gyno. I despise it. In fact, I despise it so much I haven't gone in about 4 years. I used the last of my contacts last year and never went back, just relied on my glasses. I've been having a hard time seeing lately, so I knew it was time to go. I packed my Mom up for moral support on Saturday and off we went to LensCrafters.


I signed up for their next available eye appointment, which was about a 10 minute wait. The first thing the did was the eye puff of air test. For me, this is the second worst thing they do (barely behind the blue light that touches your eye that you aren't supposed to feel. I swear, I feel it). I warned the assistant that I was very bad at this test and was sure to fail. I put by chin in that little holder and try my damndest to keep my eye open. PUFF. Damn, I closed my eye. He tries again. I squint my eye. Again, fail. On the fourth try I hold open my eye with my fingers. "One, Two, Three." Puff. Why the fuck did he count? I closed my eyes as soon as I heard the number 3.

My mom is sitting there saying, "Good job, Rose. You're almost done. Try sitting on your hands so you can't move. Do you want me to hold your head so you can't jerk back?" Wow, I really do feel like a toddler. After countless tries, he finally gets one eye, then multiple tries later the second eye.

He takes me into the exam room and wants to put drops in my eye. Um, no thank you. I can't do the air test, how the hell am I supposed to let this stranger burn my eyes with drops? I asked him if I could close my eyes, he could put the drops on and let me blink them in. He just looked at me like I was crazy, but did it anyway. My mom is still all, "It's almost done, sweetie."

Before the assistant leaves the room, he turns on the lights. Wow, genius, that's exactly what I want while my eyes are dilated. Bright lights from above. What an ass. I just whipped out my vintage Ray Bans and put 'em on. My mom told me I looked like Stevie Wonder (or was it Ray Charles? Or Both?) because I was temporarily blind and had glasses on. This of course made me do my piano impression while looking around all crazy like.

Well, I'm sitting there, eyes blinded by the burn and dilation, there is a knock on the door. In walks young male vision specialist, otherwise known as Dr. SexyEyes. He introduces himself and I immediately place his voice, Matthew McConaughey (or however it's spelled). Oh, I have a doing my vision test, JAM! I'm squinting trying to see what he looks like, because according to his voice he is a hunk. However, the only thing I can see is this:

Well, I’m just sitting there attempting to read this letter business. He picks up on my sarcasm, good man. When I tell him “No Shot” when asked to read the letters, he changed told me to switch eyes and said “Still, no dice?” Hello, Dr. SexyEyes. Nice voice, sarcasm… are you hot too? Please say yes. Then he puts me behind this little number:

...and what do I see???
None other but a very beautiful mix of these very beautiful men:

Beckham:

McSteamy:

Matthew:

A mixture of Matthew, Beckham & McSteamy? Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary & Joseph. Thank you Lord for making my vision so awful and for me not getting vision insurance so I had to come here. Who cares that my vision is officially worse than my mother, he had to double my prescription, asked if bifocals had ever been brought up to me before, all that matters is that I have a hunk for an eye doctor.

And most importantly, thank you for the fact that I have to go back again Saturday to check my contacts. At least this time I won’t be dialated.

<3,

IDK, My BFF Rose?