Monday, January 5, 2009

plus size top, anorexic bottom

Saturday was pure hell.

But first, a little background on moi: I first noticed I had huge boobs in about the third grade. Actually, I was in denial, wearing tank tops & trying hard not to be noticed. However, my mom noticed and brought home what I would quickly start to loathe first bra.

Did I start out with some cutesy little number like this?

Hardly. My first bra was more like this:
Yes, my first bra was not a training bra. It was an adult bra. I skipped past the training phase and went right into the womens. Of course, sister never grew like I did and could probably still wear the training bra as could my mother. I'm still not sure why I'm the blessed (or cursed?) one..

On to the reason for this post. I'm going on a mini family vacation next week and I needed a bathing suit. I shelled out some major dough a couple years ago and bought the most amazing tankini ever. Then I lost the bottoms. I'm not kidding, this summer I would wear Sam's shorts when it was time to go to the pool. Or just wear black panties (hey, they kind of work). Yeah, I know, I'm classy.

So off sister and I go bathing suit shopping. I wasn't all about spending the big bucks this time so we went to Target. Cute clothes, cute suits. As soon as we walk in the store I see the bathing suit racks (Why the need for so many bathing suits January 3rd I'll never know. We assume it's for all those lucky bitches going on cruises).

My sister and I go our own ways. She grabs bathing suits, I grab bathing suits. She knows the rules XL for the ta-tas, medium for the booty. We meet up at the dressing room. This is how it's always been.

We first try to go into the handicap stall which we get a big VETO from clothes hanger up girl; "Um, ladies. Those are for handicapped people only." Okay, so off we go to the "second largest stall."

First top I try on was a big fat negative. My cup WAY floweth over. Next. Same thing. Every. Single. Suit. FECK.

Except this one:
My sister was all "Wow, this looks really good. It was kind of ugly but I grabbed it anyway." Gee thanks, sis!


Anyway, I knew what I had to do. I had to go to the plus size department. No big deal. Sometimes I get my bras at Lane Bryant. With years of big busted fun under my belt, I'm used to it.

We grabbed a couple tops in the smallest size they had (16). I tried on the first one. It had some shelf bra business in it and it cut my boobs in half. Sweet, four boobs. Every man's desire. Unfortunately not mine. Next was the 18, still too tight. If gave me the sweet look of the uni-boob (you know the look, when your boobs are all squished in a sports bra and it looks like you no longer have 2 but 1).

On what I swore would be my last trip out of the dressing room as well as to Target, I grabbed a 20. Success at last. Well kind of. Although the bathing suit fit in the boob area the rest was draping off me. I looked down and my bathing suit wasn't form fitting as it should, it looked like an empire waisted dress. Oh well. What can you do. I marched my not so happy ass to the cashier and bought it.

My empire waisted top and my medium juniors bottom are sure to make a splash for all to see. Unless I jump into the pool feet first and then it will be a flash for all to see.


IDK, my BFF Rose??


Cheryl said...

I wish I had that problem. Most of the time I'm looking for bathing suits with serious padding so I look like I've got something to share.

Cee said...

I feel your pain, but not quite as much as you do.

I hope your swimsuit is a success!

I looooove that you can buy separates at places like Old Navy. I had a cute two-piece that I bought - I had the tankini top, the halter top and some boy shorts.

I decided I wanted bikini bottoms, so I went to Old Navy and bought some solid bikini bottoms to match for only $15!

KT said...


And that makes me sad.

Gina said...

I am a teeny bit jealous of your problem. Because my swimsuit buying routine consists of me trying to pull/push my boobs in a kajillion ways in order to create just a little cleavage. And the nipple issue is ALWAYS a problem.

Your post really made me laugh too, because just yesterday, I was trying to explain a training bra to my husband. As intelligent as he is, he couldn't wrap his brain around it. "You have to train your boobs to wear a real bra??"

Melissa said...

i feel your pain, thats why i hate shopping for clothes, its stressful when nothing fits right

Courtney said...

Hahah, I love your little rhyme at the end of this.

Have you tried Vikki's Secret? You can usually find really good sales online!


Rose and Jill said...

Cee- I honestly didn't think of Old Navy. I don't really have time to go and buy another & return the target dress suit. Man, I wish I had consulted earlier

Melissa- Shopping trips on Saturday are the very reason I buy more shoes than anything.

Courtney- VS sometimes fits funny. It's hit or miss for me. It's either perfect or puckers under the arm pit. Plus, if I've not tried it on in person I won't order it online. I'm crazy like that.

Michelle said...

Me and some of my friends were just talking about when girls start to develop. I have an 8 year old daughter and I am not ready for this yet. I didn't start developing until 5th grade (10 or 11) but I know girls who were 8 or 9 who were developed. The joys of being a parent!

Miss JC said...

I want to slap all of the people who are jealous of your problem...okay, just kidding people...sorta..;) I HATE having big boobs. They hurt. I can't fit anything around them. Yuck. PS: I love your humor.

Rachel said...

Target's clothes suck. They aren't cut for people. Not sure who they're cut for. But not people.

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