I'm Just Late in the Game

For the past few weeks I haven't been sleeping...No more than 2 hours a night. In consistency with the past few weeks tonight is much the same. I can't sleep. So, I decided that I should smoke a cigarette, listen to The Allman Brothers and write a blog.

As a (perennially) single girl, I've often been asked; What's your type?

After all these years, I still haven't found the answer.

There are no commonalities between the boys/men I've thus far dated. Really. There isn't.

In no specific order there was the emotionally unavailable Poker Player, who smoked way too much pot. The way older guy who was too available. The too much guy who asked me to marry him the night I met him. The one who was too much my best friend (You know, the one). The one who was too far away. The player who was busy swearing he wanted a relationship but was still way too out there. And the one who was not too interested.

The only somewhat similar aspect between them is the "too". Too much, too little, too there, too gone.

One had brown hair, one was blondish, one was covered in tatoos. I mean, aesthetically there is no "type" to be found here. The poker player never wore a t-shirt not related to poker, tattoo boy was rather fond of wearing shorts (even in the winter).

So it's not about the packaging. They weren't all the same height. They didn't all smoke. They weren't all faithful. They all weren't even that smart. The only thing they actually have in common is, well...me.

At the beginning of every single relationship I went blind. Blind to the things I should have noticed. Things that other girls would notice and walk away from. I guess it's always taken me longer to catch on. It isn't stupidity. It's a mix of a crush and hysterical blindness. It's fucking obvious, screaming out shit that I am blind to.

He was obviously:
an addict, I'd have been happy if it had been mere pot (he was also addicted to gambling)
clingy and to the point where I would have eventually gone crazy
not ready
overly odd
never going to be truthful/faithful/trustworthy
not what I wanted
not what I needed
an asshole

I let it slide, every time. Eh, it's not like I've been tortured. In their own ways, all were fun. I've learned from each, I wouldn't take much of it back, even knowing now what I didn't then.

Hey, at least I'm learning. No matter how late in the game (so late). And that's got to count for something. Right?

I'm now going to smoke another cigarette, watch some more Rock of Love (the one where they are on the bus), and try to sleep again...wish me luck with the last one.

Goodnight, Sweet Dreams.
<3,
Your BFF Jill?