The Ending to Our Story

So I wanted to share with you all why Sam and I broke up because I'm finally able to. I've been a zombie since Monday night. I've listened to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" on repeat, I've forgotton how to eat but remembered how to drink, I didn't wash my hair until today, I've taken comfort in the fact that xanax will help me sleep. I've exhausted my friends with the situation. Most of the time it's just crying because I can't actually say anything. Crocodile tears turn into panic attack which turn back to tears. For me, writing this is therapy because these are the things I haven't been able to say. I'm just warning you: this will probably be a lengthy post and at times will make no sense. I do not want negative responses to this post about Sam. I still love him very much and in general think he is an AMAZING person.

As you know, I don't make all that much money, just enough to survive, and I'm okay with that. However, Sam doesn't make very much money at all (if any. He's always gone back and forth between jobs and never one with benefits). It's been a strain on our relationship. If we would go and do something, I paid. I never minded because I loved him. He had a lot of financial strain from a previous marriage (he was the one who continued to pay the mortgage, etc) and ended up filing for bankruptcy and losing his car, home, everything. However, lately, it was starting to take it's toll on our relationship. We would get in stupid fights. Our biggest fight was over what time I would want to go to bed (he was never ready because he would still be asleep when I would get up and go to work). Sam didn't want me to hang out with my family and my family didn't want me to be with Sam. I was pulled in so many directions.

On Monday, my Dad sat me down and said, "I love you with all of my heart and right now my heart is breaking over you.” That was rough to hear. I couldn't hold it together after that. He told me a lot of things he's been wanting to say for six months. Things that in the back of my head I knew (like Sam not holding down/having a job, how I shouldn't pay for everything, I deserve better than that, etc.) Dad told me that it would have been easier for him to say these things had he not liked Sam. My siblings said the same thing. Even my little brother piped in and he normally keeps quiet in these situations. The consensus was "We love Sam, but right now he's not what you need." They've mentioned before that Sam wasn't right for me and I've brushed it off. I think I took their advice this time because I knew it was time.

My mom told me her biggest fear is that I’ll end up like her. She married a man, had a child and had to work 80+ hours a week to support them because he didn’t want to work. Sam is 25 and quite possibly at the top of his game. I’m 23 and just starting. The world has so many possibilities for me right now. I just can’t be the bread winner anymore; I need to be taken care of sometimes too.

So I called him and broke up with him because I knew I couldn’t do it in person. He cried. I cried. I called Jill because I needed her. She got to my house in record time. I drank. I packed all his stuff (which filled my entire car) and Jill drove me to take it to him. I just couldn't stand to see it all over my house. I went in. I said my goodbyes. I cried, he cried harder. He said that he wants to turn his life around and get a job but I'm scared it’s too little, too late. I want to be married, I want a family.

He wants to get out of debt and straighten everything up and get back together. I told him that I can't promise him anything but I can promise that I will always love him. You never forget your first love. He's already working for his stepdad and studying to take his phlebotomy test again(he's taken the class, now he has to take a test , which he failed the first time, and get a job). He called the places where he knew he had debt (telephone, department stores). He found out his debt isn't as bad as he thought. In short, he's done more in the past 2 days than in the past 2 years.

I love him still which makes it harder. I just hope the best for him. I hope he can get a great job and get out of debt and move out of his parent’s house. I just wish that I could have been there with him instead of as a bystander but I couldn’t wait any longer. It’s been 2 years and his life is the same as it was when we started dating and mine is so much different.

So, needless to say, I’m heartbroken and numb. I’ve lost my best friend and boyfriend and it is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I love Sam with all of my heart and do not doubt that at all. However, apparently love is not always enough. If it was, I would still be with him.

You know, no one has ever loved me like he has. He loves me when I'm at my worst and he has loved me through everything. Before I met him, I didn't think that anyone could love me. He has shown me that I am loveable and has treated me with the utmost respect, love and attention. He was able to break down my barriers that I had placed up so long ago. To be honest, I don't know if anyone ever will be able to love me like he has.

I want him to pass his test so bad, I've been his cheerleader for so long because no one else would be. I want his life to turn around. I want him to be happy and find someone to love. I hope that he always loves me. I hope this is one of those situations that kicks you so hard in the ass that you do change to be with the person you love.

Right now the door to this part of our relationship has closed. I'm not sure if it will open again at a later time. I'm not writing Sam off completely because I do love him so dearly. If down the road he gets his shit in line and we cross paths then yes, I will give him another chance. He knows all this and he knows it will take time. I want nothing more than to spend my life with him and I've known that since I told him I loved him after 8 days.

I told him that we couldn't talk for awhile because the way I see it we have three choices. 1 is to talk all the time but not see each other; thus becoming only friends. 2 is to tell each other the big life changes or happenings and 3 is to cease all communication. We've decided that if one of us has something we HAVE to share with the other then we will. I'm still going to help him find a job. We cried at the thought of not seeing each other. It's been difficult for me not to call him when I get to work and go to lunch. He said at 5:30 he just stares at his phone hoping I'll call once I leave work. I would be lying if I said I didn't do the same thing.

My heart is shattered right now and I have no idea how or when to start piecing it back together again. I just know when I get off work he won’t be there. This is the longest that we've been apart in 2 years. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight. Or this weekend. I don't know what to do when you're only half of yourself.

I don't know what else to say. If you actually read this, thank you. If you pray, please pray for me, pray for Sam. Even though you don't know our real names, God will know you mean us. If not send good thoughts, vibes, whatever you do. I'm going through my darkest days right now and I don't even see a glimmer of the light at the end of this neverending tunnel.


-Rose