Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Ending to Our Story

So I wanted to share with you all why Sam and I broke up because I'm finally able to. I've been a zombie since Monday night. I've listened to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" on repeat, I've forgotton how to eat but remembered how to drink, I didn't wash my hair until today, I've taken comfort in the fact that xanax will help me sleep. I've exhausted my friends with the situation. Most of the time it's just crying because I can't actually say anything. Crocodile tears turn into panic attack which turn back to tears. For me, writing this is therapy because these are the things I haven't been able to say. I'm just warning you: this will probably be a lengthy post and at times will make no sense. I do not want negative responses to this post about Sam. I still love him very much and in general think he is an AMAZING person.

As you know, I don't make all that much money, just enough to survive, and I'm okay with that. However, Sam doesn't make very much money at all (if any. He's always gone back and forth between jobs and never one with benefits). It's been a strain on our relationship. If we would go and do something, I paid. I never minded because I loved him. He had a lot of financial strain from a previous marriage (he was the one who continued to pay the mortgage, etc) and ended up filing for bankruptcy and losing his car, home, everything. However, lately, it was starting to take it's toll on our relationship. We would get in stupid fights. Our biggest fight was over what time I would want to go to bed (he was never ready because he would still be asleep when I would get up and go to work). Sam didn't want me to hang out with my family and my family didn't want me to be with Sam. I was pulled in so many directions.

On Monday, my Dad sat me down and said, "I love you with all of my heart and right now my heart is breaking over you.” That was rough to hear. I couldn't hold it together after that. He told me a lot of things he's been wanting to say for six months. Things that in the back of my head I knew (like Sam not holding down/having a job, how I shouldn't pay for everything, I deserve better than that, etc.) Dad told me that it would have been easier for him to say these things had he not liked Sam. My siblings said the same thing. Even my little brother piped in and he normally keeps quiet in these situations. The consensus was "We love Sam, but right now he's not what you need." They've mentioned before that Sam wasn't right for me and I've brushed it off. I think I took their advice this time because I knew it was time.

My mom told me her biggest fear is that I’ll end up like her. She married a man, had a child and had to work 80+ hours a week to support them because he didn’t want to work. Sam is 25 and quite possibly at the top of his game. I’m 23 and just starting. The world has so many possibilities for me right now. I just can’t be the bread winner anymore; I need to be taken care of sometimes too.

So I called him and broke up with him because I knew I couldn’t do it in person. He cried. I cried. I called Jill because I needed her. She got to my house in record time. I drank. I packed all his stuff (which filled my entire car) and Jill drove me to take it to him. I just couldn't stand to see it all over my house. I went in. I said my goodbyes. I cried, he cried harder. He said that he wants to turn his life around and get a job but I'm scared it’s too little, too late. I want to be married, I want a family.

He wants to get out of debt and straighten everything up and get back together. I told him that I can't promise him anything but I can promise that I will always love him. You never forget your first love. He's already working for his stepdad and studying to take his phlebotomy test again(he's taken the class, now he has to take a test , which he failed the first time, and get a job). He called the places where he knew he had debt (telephone, department stores). He found out his debt isn't as bad as he thought. In short, he's done more in the past 2 days than in the past 2 years.

I love him still which makes it harder. I just hope the best for him. I hope he can get a great job and get out of debt and move out of his parent’s house. I just wish that I could have been there with him instead of as a bystander but I couldn’t wait any longer. It’s been 2 years and his life is the same as it was when we started dating and mine is so much different.

So, needless to say, I’m heartbroken and numb. I’ve lost my best friend and boyfriend and it is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I love Sam with all of my heart and do not doubt that at all. However, apparently love is not always enough. If it was, I would still be with him.

You know, no one has ever loved me like he has. He loves me when I'm at my worst and he has loved me through everything. Before I met him, I didn't think that anyone could love me. He has shown me that I am loveable and has treated me with the utmost respect, love and attention. He was able to break down my barriers that I had placed up so long ago. To be honest, I don't know if anyone ever will be able to love me like he has.

I want him to pass his test so bad, I've been his cheerleader for so long because no one else would be. I want his life to turn around. I want him to be happy and find someone to love. I hope that he always loves me. I hope this is one of those situations that kicks you so hard in the ass that you do change to be with the person you love.

Right now the door to this part of our relationship has closed. I'm not sure if it will open again at a later time. I'm not writing Sam off completely because I do love him so dearly. If down the road he gets his shit in line and we cross paths then yes, I will give him another chance. He knows all this and he knows it will take time. I want nothing more than to spend my life with him and I've known that since I told him I loved him after 8 days.

I told him that we couldn't talk for awhile because the way I see it we have three choices. 1 is to talk all the time but not see each other; thus becoming only friends. 2 is to tell each other the big life changes or happenings and 3 is to cease all communication. We've decided that if one of us has something we HAVE to share with the other then we will. I'm still going to help him find a job. We cried at the thought of not seeing each other. It's been difficult for me not to call him when I get to work and go to lunch. He said at 5:30 he just stares at his phone hoping I'll call once I leave work. I would be lying if I said I didn't do the same thing.

My heart is shattered right now and I have no idea how or when to start piecing it back together again. I just know when I get off work he won’t be there. This is the longest that we've been apart in 2 years. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight. Or this weekend. I don't know what to do when you're only half of yourself.

I don't know what else to say. If you actually read this, thank you. If you pray, please pray for me, pray for Sam. Even though you don't know our real names, God will know you mean us. If not send good thoughts, vibes, whatever you do. I'm going through my darkest days right now and I don't even see a glimmer of the light at the end of this neverending tunnel.



JayCee Leigh said...

Honey, I'm so's so brave of you to be able to MAKE THIS STEP in your life that you know is important--even though it's already been so hard.

Take care of you. And remember to ask for help (an ear, a shoulder, a walk, a drink) if you need it...

Blessed be.

Impulsive Addict said...

What? Those aren't your real names? Well now I'm depressed. I had you both pictured in my head and that image has been shattered.

On a lighter note, I hope that you find peace in your decision and that the pain of this experience decreases every day.

calixta.jive. said...

thanks for sharing. and try and keep your chin up, i'll be sending all my positive thoughts your way.

Under the Influence said...

Good vibes are being sent AS I TYPE! Hang in there...

Easily Manipulated said...

I'm a new reader and I wanted to offer my support. It's like I can feel your pain through your words. I'm sure the decision to break up with Sam was not easy, but that it was the right choice for you.

It seems to me that sometimes, it take a good, solid kick in the behind for people to get their shit together. Maybe this breakup is what Sam needs to really get him in the right place.

I will say a prayer for both of you. I hope it hurts a little less tomorrow than it does today. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I just went through this a few months ago. If he is the right one then in the end everything will work out. If not, you will always love him and remember him and you can be thankful that it ended decently.

Ms. Pink Zebra said...

I feel your pain dear. I went through something with The Ex about 7 months ago. I felt numb for weeks. It is the worst feeling in the world and you think it will never end and then one day it is a little bit better. And that one little bit is enough to finally make you smile. I am sure you have heard that already and you prob just nod your head and say sure. We all do it. :)

But day it wont hurt as much. I still have moments where I wish he would call me and say I stopped using drugs and I want you back. But it hasn't happened and I doubt it will. I am glad of that life has grown more in 7 months then it did when I was with him.

I wish you strength dear. And positive vibes for you both. :)

DeeBee said...

You are amazing and that is one of the most mature and smartest moves that a person could make. You are a role model for women and this is what they should all aspire to and I'm incredibly impressed with you. So brave to move forward and it is the right thing to do. If it's meant to be... it will work out for both of you to be together down the road.

Lil' Woman said...

Thanks for sharing sweetie.. You made the right move. Sometimes it take do something drastic like that to "kick em in the butt & turn there life around". I made the mistake of opening my heart and my wallet to a guy and it not only broke my heart but also my bank (I'm still trying to get out of debt 3 yrs. later & I'm only 22)..I will keep you and Sam in my prayers. I hope he can get it together not just for you but for himself. It will make him a better man in the future...I send all my hugs and love to you sweetie!! :)

Melissa said...

wow. that is reall sad..I can feel the hurt in ur words. i dont know what id do in a situation like that

Life at the White House said...

hi sweet girl - i do pray and i will be praying for both of you.

i think you've made a wise decision that will serve you well. truly. i had my heart seriously, seriously broken before i met my hubby and i thought i would never in a million years find someone who loved me like that. i was wrong. god gave me someone better - something i never, ever expected.

i hope that sam can get his life together and that if he is the one for you, it will fall into place down the road.

try & eat if you can and i hope you are getting some sleep. so sorry to hear about this, but i do think you made a good decision for yourself.


anne said...

*tear* im so sorry you have to go through this but I think you did the right thing, he's not getting anywhere in life (not to bash him or anything) and you want a future. A man should be paying for his girl no matter what the circumstances (thats how i see it anyway).

Is there a possibilitie you will take him back if he gets on his feet?

Anyways, get some sleep, don't cry too much and maybe do some shopping or partying to keep your mind off things. I really hope you feel better and all goes well for you two ♥♥♥

D said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I absolutely think you made the right decision though. You need to do what's best for you right now. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Bridget said...

You have already shown so much strength. I hope you find comfort soon.

Margarita said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but when you truly love yourself and put yourself first, only then can a relationship work. You need to be equals. You need to be strong.

adlibby said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling now. Take this margarita and imagine that I'm giving you a big hug. Because even though I don't know you -- I love you! You are awesome and lovable and you deserve big things! Take care of yourself and know that it will get better with time. There is more than one great love out there for you. Don't lose faith. {{hugs}}

Life at the White House said...

Just a note to say a lot of people are thinking about you - take good care of yourself and know that things will only get better.


Janet said...

I'm a new reader, and I wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, and you have my support. I'm also going through a breakup, though not nearly as "fresh" as yours. I made the choice also to end our relationship, and I swear, it's easier to GET dumped. At least then you can just be pissed and not feel bad for hurting anybody.

Chin up, you did the right thing! Just keep picturing where you'll be one year from now.

Courtney said...


I'm so sorry to hear about this. I really hope he passes his test, too, and can show that he can get his life together.


Christina said...

I can't tell you how sorry I am! So often we hear that love is enough but sometimes... it really just isn't. I totally understand where you're coming from. You deserve the best! I wish you all the best.

Also, I know this was forever ago, but... I'm catching up, okay?!

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