hey, pretty lady. won't you give me a sign?

So, I have John on the back burner and I kind of like it that way. I'm the one holding the cards (well, I'm ALWAYS the one holding the cards). I know he'll jump at the chance to have me again.

This is our text convo from Friday night.
John: I just took a picture with some children for Halloween that are dressed up like me. That makes me a hero! (John works at UPS)
Rose: Can I see your package again?
J: Anytime, lady!
R: How's tonight? (I had zero intention of seeing him that night. I was with Jill & our friend Luke)
J: Seriously? I can't tonight; I already have plans. Do you want to go out with us or maybe we can hang out tomorrow?
R: Eh, maybe another time

---Fast forward to Sunday---
Luke, my mom & I frequent an auction house almost every Sunday. We check out the men, buy some antiques and just have a lazy afternoon. It's a great way to end the weekend. Luke and I are sitting in the first row just jabbering about nothing important with my sister (who occasionally comes too).

This was our conversation:

Luke (pointing to the door): Oh my God. That guy is fucking hot.
I look to my right and who do I see? John. FML.
Rose: "Holy Fuck, L. That's John!"
Luke: "Jesus, he is beautiful, Rose! Is he the one you slept with? Why aren't you sleeping with him right now?"
R: "Shut the fuck up, L. My sister doesn't know I slept with him. The sex is mediocre, remember the conversation we had about it on Friday? Ok, shhhh now."
L: "Well, if you don't want to fuck him, I will."
R: "I hate you."
...Meanwhile....
Sister: "Rose! There's John! Go talk to him!!! You all are so darling together."
R: "Sis, shut up. There isn't anything there."
S: "Um, I'm fairly certain there is."
R: "Nope. Nothing. We don't even have a single thing to talk about."
S: "You love him. I know it."
(Cue Rose's exit to the bathroom)

Side Note: The reason my sister doesn't know we've slept together is because she's all "You love him. You all are soul mates. You've always loved him. You'll get married, I just know it. He worked an entire summer to get a limo to take you to prom. Don't you remember how much fun we all used to have in high school?? " When I explain to her that we have nothing to talk about she still thinks it will happen. She doesn't seem to get it that it was 10 years ago. People change a lot in 10 years. It's annoying and I don't want to tell her that we have a purely sexual relationship. That will open up the floor for a major lecture. ...but I digress.

First of all, I never run into him in public. Ever. I only see him when I want. Second of all, it's a wee bit awkward to see him outside of the bedroom. I intentionally didn't go talk to him (I hold the cards, remember?). We sent a couple text messages back & forth while he was there.

But at least I know that if it gets bad enough I can always call him. I just want to use that as my last option because I'd rather not have sex than have mediocre sex.

...maybe I'll send him a good morning text right now. Maybe not. :)

Ex's & Oh's,
Rose

I need ooh la la la la

I just spent an obscene amount of time looking at sexinfo101 sex positions on my phone. When I should have been working.

I haven't had sex in a hot minute. Like I think the last time was beginning of August, maybe earlier. I'm going with beginning of August so I'm not AS depressed about this as I could be. This is the longest I've ever gone without any type of ANYTHING. I haven't even kissed anyone.

Plus, my vibrator went ka-put. I'm not kidding. So I bought 2 more (see #11) because I knew they wouldn't compare. They don't, of course.

All i know is that 3 months is a very. fucking. long. time.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. Or my body. Because all I think about is sex...

Does this make me a masochist?! ...Or am I just thinking like a man?
Rose

P.S. This song is just sex.

First time in Over a Month...

Yeah, bet that got your attention...

This is the first time in over a month that I have even checked the blog. Our friend Mary reminded Rose and me that the summer blog-procrastination must end!

So, I see where Rose has done the "Expose Yourself" blog...However, since I got your hopes up with the title I figure I'll do the "Expose Yourself" blog as well (don't worry though, I've been storing up some inappropriate blogs for you all of which will be posted for your reading pleasure).

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

1. I have a stockpile of vibrators. Some of which I have never even used. I figure, when one goes out I'll always have a spare (or several).

2. I once met a guy on hotornot.com. I decided to meet him. I'm classy. Turns out he knows my entire family. Anyway, we met had a great time....then we started fucking. Three years later and I still talk to him on occasion. Actually this past Monday we hooked up again. One night I met him at a library in town where I told him he needed a "study break". This study break ended up with us going on a country drive to a church parking lot where I proceded to give him a blow job. We ended up having sex in the back of his car, in the church parking lot. This took place on a Wednesday night...they had a few church members lingering around the church after Wednesday night services. I'm that girl.

3. I really don't have a favorite position. I can tell you that anything from behind and anything with legs over shoulders is good. I can also tell you that car hoods are the perfect height for sex. I can also tell you that nipple play is way under-rated. Yeah, I went there. Seriously though, it intensfies orgasms.

I'm going to pass this on to anyone who hasn't done it already...

-Jill

*Expose Yourself*

I'm sure when Gina decided to tag us in the Expose Yourself thing she did it for two reasons.

1. She knew that one or both of us would do it (our blog isn't called Delightfully Inappropriate for nothing!)
2. She wanted us to get back to blogging!

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

I guess I should tell you who this is posting: Rose! If Jill wants to do it, she'll post a separate entry. Let's face it, we're huge slackers at blogging so you'll get two instead of one :)

1. I'm OBSESSED with this product called Liquid V for Women. The product claims to
"helps to stimulate and heighten the sensitivity in a woman's erogenous zone. This increases the rate of orgasms therefore making the moment one that can only be achieved with Liquid V." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever about all of that. All I know is when I dab a bit on my orgasms are better and quicker. I can't give a good enough review of this stuff. It may not work for everyone so I suggest getting a sample (there are little $4 samples which last quite a while at the check out counter of our Hustler)

2. I like it a bit rough. Push me around a little bit, bite me a little bit harder, slap my ass and pull my hair. I'm all yours if you do that.

3. I prefer missionary position. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it any which way, I don't really care... Missionary is just my favorite! How old school am I?

I hereby pass this award on to: ANYONE who feels brave enough to post it! Come on ladies, you know you want to!

Getting Lucky in Kentucky.

So this happened last Saturday but I've been too lazy to write about it.

Remember the story of the candy jar thief? CT, otherwise known as Timmy?

Yeah, I fucked him last Saturday.

He called me on Saturday and I told me he was sorry he didn't call me when he went out the week before in Big Town (although I didn't know he was supposed to), but he was going to go out that night with his new roommate Addison (who was starting as an intern at my/Timmy's old job the following Monday. He knew her in college & got her the job) and asked if I wanted to go. It was about 10 and I had no plans so I told him I would take a shower and make my way to his apartment.

I got there and he told me we were going to go to a new bar called Sound because our bosses kids worked there. So we walked the four or so blocks down there *side note: I wore 4 inch pumps. I still have blisters to remember the night* We walked in and I immediately knew it was a gay bar. Which in KY means 2 things: Amazing dancing music & strong drinks.

So we're getting our drink on and dancing. All of a sudden Timmy kisses me. I just kind of danced away because, seriously, it was Timmy. A few more cocktails later I found myself kissing him back while dancing.

Then we're in the corner making out.

Next thing I know, we're walking our drunkity drunk asses back to his apartment (we totally left Addison!) stopping on the street corners to make out even more.

We get back to his place and the clothes start flying. We went at it like 4 times. Every time I thought we were done it started again. We even moved the party to the shower (hellllllooooo, hot!). Let me just say, the sex was amazing. Not just because I was drunk either. And I know this because we got down the next morning.

I'm not sure if it will happen again but we've talked a bit since then and both agree that we know what happens/will happen when we get drunk together. Which is perfectly fine with me.

Addison had me laughing so hard about it last night for several reasons:
1. She told me that she just knew that I would pull her aside at work on her first day and be all "don't fucking tell anyone" which I obviously didn't because it was a bit awkward. We had to get drunk before I was able to open up about it.
2. She told me she could hear EVERYTHING minus the morning sex. She told me that she didn't think she would ever pass out. She said I did a pretty good job of keeping quiet but that Timmy is wayyy loud (I made a serious effort to keep quiet because I knew she was like right outside the fucking door).
3.Timmy's apartment is a 1 bedroom/1 bathroom (that is actually in his bedroom) and she's staying on a blow-up mattress on the living room while she's working with us. She told me she had to pee so bad and she didn't want to interupt us so she pissed on their fucking balcony and prayed the people below weren't out!

xxx & ohhhhhs,
Rose

I would like to announce that my near 7 month streak of celibacy has ended. THANK GOD!!!!!!

Chastity Belt=No more! Haha

Let me tell you, if all sex were as good as what I had last night...I'd wait 7 months in between hook-ups all the time. Sweet Jesus it was good. Now I have to say, Christian doesn't have the biggest ship in the water, but damn he's got the motion in the ocean. I've had a lot of sex in my 23 (soon to be 24) years on earth and last night was 10 times better than any I've ever had. Let's put it this way, all day today I have thought about it.

Last night both of my roommates were gone, so after work I ran a few errands. I ended up getting home around 10pm to see Christian and Samuel (Meg, my roommate's boyfriend) sitting outside on the back porch. They were passing around a fifth of cheap vodka. Now I can get down on some cheap vodka...it's all I drank in college...so I decided to have a few shots. I had a slight buzz going on, so did the boys.

We all went inside where we listened to some Led Zeppelin and Janis Joplin. Meg works third shift, so she's never home before midnight. We waited up for her. By this time Samuel had decided that he didn't need to drive after drinking what he had. Samuel went into Meg's room and went to bed.

Here I am sitting in the living room with Christian...up until this point I hadn't thought anything would ever happen between us other than what already had happened. We had "made-out" back a few months ago when we all went camping and I thought that experience was too good to be true. Laying under the stars in his arms having every bit of my body touched in just the right way...oh goodness...it was great.

Anyway, back to the original story. I thought that the extent of me and Christian would end there.

I asked Christian where he was going to sleep, he said that he would probably either pass out on the floor or sleep on the couch. Neither was acceptable to me. In a casual way, I told him that he was more than welcome to come sleep in my bedroom. He jumped at the opportunity. Hells yes.

We get into my room and he starts cuddling with me. I'm not a cuddler. I actually don't like cuddling at all. I'd prefer to get the deed done and call it a night, of course while having a great time in the act. So, here we are cuddling and I was actually enjoying it. Soon we were kissing and then I was on top of him, he was on top of me...

Whoo!

Sorry y'all no dirty details...however, I'm being serious when I say this...If I could only ever sleep with him for the rest of my life, I'd jump on the opportunity.

And that is the story of how Jill broke her 7 month streak of celibacy.

<3>

Jillian

The point of the matter is...

that I have a fuck buddy.

Yes, I will talk about the sex (but that's later down the post)... And this is considered our FUF post of the week because I sure celebrated FUF the first night we hooked up!

I was reading something today (and I think it was in Cosmo. or maybe online, whatever). The article was something like "Is He The One?"

Side Note: I've been reading Cosmo since middle school. I swear the reuse the same articles every couple of years. The sex tricks are the same, I know my G-Spot is my "hidden pleasure spot" and the cosmetic tricks are all of the same. However, I just keep reading it. I don't know why, but I'll buy it even though I know EVERYTHING that will be in it!! Does anyone else feel this way??

The article was set up in an A and B format. You chose whichever you felt fit the relationship the best. The only one that I remember was something like:

What do you talk about when together:
A) Last weekend, what you're doing later, etc.
B) Your childhood, your family

Well, I did the quiz in my head (do people actually get a pen to mark them?) and obviously John (also known as my prom date sophomore year of high school) falls into the fling category.

Now, I didn't really need a quiz to tell me this. John and I've had quite a whirlwind relationship(s). We've been best friends, we've been enemies, we've made out, we've said the most horrible hateful things and now we've had sex.

We've gone through the same type of "quasi-relationship" several times. Every couple of years one of us will text or call the other and we'll start talking. Which leads to hanging out. Which leads to making out and now leads to sex. Then after so long (sometimes a week, sometimes a couple months), we fizzle.

Jill has seen the fizzle. It's like something inside of me (and it always has been me), is just done. I can remember the last fizzle. Junior year of college. John, Jill & I were hanging out in her room after a night of crazy antics. Jill and I were in a deep conversation about the Italian Renaissance (I'm not kidding, it was something along those lines) and John was just sitting there. He tried to say something and I looked at him and said, "What, do you not understand what we're talking about? Do we need to talk slower?" Yeah, I know it was horrible. John got up and left. I talked to him one last time to get Jill's purse out of his car.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love John to death. I care for him deeply. It's just a purely physical relationship. Since we've become adults, John and I don't really have anything to talk about or have anything in common. Sure, we hang out and have fun but we talk about mindless things like movies or music. We don't share our fears and dreams.

And to be quite honest, this time we really don't even talk. We just keep it cordial with: "How is your day" "anything new with you?" and "what time do you want me to come over?" We go through the same motions almost every time. I go to his apartment. We hang out and watch tv. We start making out. We go fuck. I might sleep, I might not. I leave.

So, based on the past, I have a pretty strong feeling that there will be no "us" and I am okay with that. He's not really relationship material anyway. Plus, I have my first real fuck buddy!

Now, on to the part that makes this blog so "delightfully inappropriate!" The. Sex.

• The sex with John is decent enough. I wouldn't call it mind-blowing or anything. Now, I know that I don't have much to compare him to, but sex with Sam was definitely much better.
• However, John is HUGE so that makes up for whatever it's missing. I'm not kidding when I say huge. It makes me cringe a bit knowing it's coming and it's that stinging sensation of losing your virginity for the first couple minutes. Then we're good to go. (Girls, how do we make this stop? It's not an issue on my part if you know what I mean).
• He does this thing that I love where during missionary he holds my hands above my head where I can't move them. I don't know if it's the fact that he has all the control or what but Good. God. Amazing.
• He can last FOREVER. I'm sure I'm not the only one who reaches a point where I'm all "Come on, get off. For real." because I'm just done. Well, he finally does get off... what feels like an hour later.
• AH, once we're done he goes and gets me a glass of water. Then he rubs my back. And plays with my hair. I'm a sucker for that.
• I'm looking for new sex positions to try...so anything you want to share with me is good. (where are you when I need you Christina & Courtney?!)
  

So yeah, probably more than you would ever want to know about the relationship of John & Rose part XIVV. I would write more but I'm kind of tapped out on anything else. SOOOO if there is anything else you want to know, ask. I'm a kiss & tell kind of girl.

A kisser & teller,
Rose