worth the wait.

Obviously I couldn't come up with something legit to write about yesterday. Waiting until today was a brilliant idea. I have a decent (if strange) topic to blog about.

I needed to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart (why, oh why is Target so far away?!) last night. Apparently I should have just gone to Target during my lunch break because my local store is apparently where all the creep status people hang out at night.

I went in on a mission. Yoga blocks. I grabbed my yoga blocks and several Naked smoothies (um, my absolute FAVORITE!) for the week. I went to the check out and of course all of the quick lanes were closed. I headed to one of the shorter check out lanes and got in line.

There were two people ahead of me, a woman with bleached blonde hair (dark roots, of course) with a shit ton of groceries and a ginger man with groceries as well. I was about to drop the smoothies (I had 2 of the big ones and 3 small ones and no basket) so when the ginger directly in front of me moved up a bit, I sat my drinks on the conveyor.

Apparently to him that meant I wanted to strike up a conversation.

He looked at what I was buying and started talking to me about the drinks. I immediately new this kid was weird. And quite possibly gay (I was relieved when he started talking and I knew he wasn't going to hit on me or ask for my number).

He told me he didn't like one of the flavors I was buying. He went on to tell me about another type of smoothie available that I should try. Blah, blah, blah. I avoided eye contact because he was starting to creep me out. No one should talk THAT much about a smoothie. I mean, I can deal with a short friendly conversation in the line at the supermarket if need be, but I prefer not to talk to anyone.

Finally he stopped talking. I engrossed myself with the gum hoping he would not feel the urge to strike up conversation round two.

I would say 30 seconds went by in silence.

Then he looked at me and said...

"Do you like pickles?"

I know I had the "what the fuck are you talking about?" look on my face. There are not pickles in smoothies. I looked around to see what he was talking about. I then saw that he had pickles in with his groceries, but he had quite a few groceries. It's not like he was just buying a a jar of pickles. I feel like the question came out of left field.

Words failed me. I couldn't come up with a good come back. I couldn't come up with anything. I didn't want to say yes because I didn't want to find out why he was asking. I just said "No." End of conversation.

He took forever to grab his bags. I immediately called Jill because I honestly felt like this guy was going to try and walk me to my car or something.

I'm still flabbergasted by the question. I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out why in the hell you would ask a stranger if they like pickles... Maybe he was going to give me a recipe?

I just don't get it.

What's the dill, pickle?
Rose.

guilty

We're probably all offenders of this: sending text messages while inebriated. Sucks when you're the sender. Amazing when you read other peoples drunk texts.

Case in point: www.textsfromlastnight.com

Here are a few of my favorites:

(312): My room smells like vodka and shame

(970): Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(405): I'm drunk
(615): Is that why you're texting me
(405): Yes

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
(1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
(612): could be more
(1-612): absolutely not

(248): is swine flu sexually transmttd?
(313): Ha no, why?
(248): sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad

(817): I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.


delighted none were from me,
Rose

smooth

A guy from work, Tommy, has been pestering me to go bar hopping with him for at least a month. I finally gave in and told him I would go out Saturday night if he remembered to send me a text.

Sure enough, Saturday I received a text "Wanna go out tonight?" I figured why the hell not so I called up a work friend Lesley and asked her to go. Plus, earlier that day I bought a new pair of hot sex black patent Guess pumps that needed to have their debut. (I tried to find a picture, but couldn't)

I planned on going home after the night was over. When I picked up Lesley, I told her the plan, I would drink before we left if she would drive, have one drink at the bar and quit for the rest of the night so I could drive her home.

I started drinking and had a bit of a buzz by the time we made it to DownTown BigCity, we went to two sort of upscale bars that are connected. I like more of laid back place, but Tommy wanted to go so we gave in. We get inside and I immediately had to wait about 15 minutes to pee. Then I made my happy, slightly tipsy, self to the bar and ordered my favorite, Gin and Tonic.

Tommy decides he wants to dance. He is off dancing like a fool (no literally, dancing like a fool. He looked like John Travolta during his Saturday Night Fever days). We make our way to the dance portion of the bar. At the corner of the dance floor there was a little box for the bouncers/drunk women to stand on. Trying to act smooth, I was dancing in front of it and decided to step back onto it. Before I took my first step back and up, I looked at Lesley and said "Now this is how it's done."

I didn't make it.

I am not smooth.

I fell forward and twisted my ankle and was caught by a man with an afro and buck teeth. He was an ugly version of the Reading Rainbow guy, afro flat top included. Thank God I didn't break my ankle new heels. It would have been catastrophic.

AfroMan/ReadingRainbow looked at me after the tumble and said "I've been watching you all night and been waiting for a chance to ask you to dance." I looked at him, snarled my nose and pointed down, "Can't dance, I'm hurt."

Then he starts grinding on Lesley. Not only did I feel humiliated for her because I declined the bozo and he went for her, but I felt bad because HE HAD A BONER. Pure class people, pure class.

Your ankle breaker,
Rose

chivalry may not be dead

Jill came to BFE last night for a little sushi & shopping. My boyfriend, Sam, came along for the ride. When I say shopping, I mean going to the local Wal-Mart for impulse buying contact solution. (I ended up with congestion medicine, deodorant and vicks along with my contact solution. Jill ended up with a coffee maker and headphones).

We were minding our own business looking at socks & waiting for Sam to finish reading some car magazine when we were approached by two rednecks (and I do mean rednecks. One guy had on some sweet camo boots with the laces tied extra tight (what is that all about anyway?) and the other guy had a do rag on. Not sure if either had teeth). The looked similar to this and I'm not even kidding:

Well Sam notices these guys approach us and comes over. Boots (who I'm guessing is about 17, but it's hard to tell) stands all up in Jill's personal bubble and points to Sam and says "You dating him?" Her response, "No, she is. I'm single." (Hindsight is 20/20 and she should have lied and said Sam is similar to Hef & takes on multiple girlfriends). When he hears that she is single his call to action "Wanna spend the night together?"

My response... "What the fuck?" Sam's response "Seriously? Go the fuck on." Jill's response could only be described as blank stare. Did this trash honestly think that he could go for her class? Maybe if she was blind and drunk. And lost her sense of smell. And hearing. So... pretty much never.

Well, his boots were obviously made for walkin' because that's just what he do. But, while walking away he shoots Sam a bad look. Not good. Ever. His Mama taught him right, it is never acceptable to disrespect a woman. Especially not one of his good friends.

So Sam tells him to go the fuck away, you have no respect for women, i'd kick your ass but you're clearly underage, yada yada yada. I can't remember exactly what was said because I couldn't wipe the look of shock of my face and ol' Jill was still blank with confusion.

Well, Boots goes to the check out line where we are unfortunately headed. Boots starts talking smack and Sam was all "BRING IT ON. " I'm thinking "Um, honey, in case you forgot, you busted your knee playing football. You know, the knee you can't put any pressure on. The one that is not only black and blue but purple, green & brown as well?" Well. This is going to be interesting.

Do Rag decides he needs to do his part in this and comes up to Sam. He's all "Yo man, what's going on?" Well, Sam gets pissed. "You know what is going on. You need to tell your little buddy that it is NEVER acceptable to come up to a woman and say that." There is banter back and forth. This could get ugly. Sam will fight over a woman's respect any day.

The entire 20 items or Less lane is starting at us. Then I see that I know EVERYONE in the line (common occurrence in BFE) and notice one in particular. Sam's neighbor, The Cop. I tell The Cop what is going on and he controls Sam, who now has steam coming out of his ears like on cartoons.. The Cop's exact words "If there is one thing I learned from working on this force is you don't mess with those people. They're 'tards man. Just plain ol' 'tards and not worth your time." Right in front of Do Rag & Boots. I'm not sure why, but BF actually listened.

The entire ride home, BF said nothing. Jill & I chatted the entire way home, as normal. He was quiet the rest of the night, just brooding over the comment.

Stay classy Wal-Mart & patrons, stay classy.

<3,

IDK, my BFF Rose?