worth the wait.

Obviously I couldn't come up with something legit to write about yesterday. Waiting until today was a brilliant idea. I have a decent (if strange) topic to blog about.

I needed to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart (why, oh why is Target so far away?!) last night. Apparently I should have just gone to Target during my lunch break because my local store is apparently where all the creep status people hang out at night.

I went in on a mission. Yoga blocks. I grabbed my yoga blocks and several Naked smoothies (um, my absolute FAVORITE!) for the week. I went to the check out and of course all of the quick lanes were closed. I headed to one of the shorter check out lanes and got in line.

There were two people ahead of me, a woman with bleached blonde hair (dark roots, of course) with a shit ton of groceries and a ginger man with groceries as well. I was about to drop the smoothies (I had 2 of the big ones and 3 small ones and no basket) so when the ginger directly in front of me moved up a bit, I sat my drinks on the conveyor.

Apparently to him that meant I wanted to strike up a conversation.

He looked at what I was buying and started talking to me about the drinks. I immediately new this kid was weird. And quite possibly gay (I was relieved when he started talking and I knew he wasn't going to hit on me or ask for my number).

He told me he didn't like one of the flavors I was buying. He went on to tell me about another type of smoothie available that I should try. Blah, blah, blah. I avoided eye contact because he was starting to creep me out. No one should talk THAT much about a smoothie. I mean, I can deal with a short friendly conversation in the line at the supermarket if need be, but I prefer not to talk to anyone.

Finally he stopped talking. I engrossed myself with the gum hoping he would not feel the urge to strike up conversation round two.

I would say 30 seconds went by in silence.

Then he looked at me and said...

"Do you like pickles?"

I know I had the "what the fuck are you talking about?" look on my face. There are not pickles in smoothies. I looked around to see what he was talking about. I then saw that he had pickles in with his groceries, but he had quite a few groceries. It's not like he was just buying a a jar of pickles. I feel like the question came out of left field.

Words failed me. I couldn't come up with a good come back. I couldn't come up with anything. I didn't want to say yes because I didn't want to find out why he was asking. I just said "No." End of conversation.

He took forever to grab his bags. I immediately called Jill because I honestly felt like this guy was going to try and walk me to my car or something.

I'm still flabbergasted by the question. I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out why in the hell you would ask a stranger if they like pickles... Maybe he was going to give me a recipe?

I just don't get it.

What's the dill, pickle?
Rose.

Best Conversation EVER.

My sister told me about a conversation she overheard by my parents. When she told me I started laughing so hard I almost pissed my pants. In fact, I am still cracking up over it.

Background:
My Dad is very conservative, quiet and reserved. My Mom, not so much. She is more like me: loud, always has to say SOMETHING and most of the time its inappropriate. My parents are polar opposites and I think that is why they get along so well.

On to the conversation:
Mom (who was being dead serious): I need to get a new dress, D.
Dad: Well, why? Are we going somewhere? Do you really need a new one?
Mom (still holding strong and being serious): Yeah, I need it for MJ's funeral.
Dad: *mutters* Jesus Christ.

I so wish I could have heard it. Now, my Mom wouldn't really get a dress for the funeral of MJ, she just likes to get my dad all riled up. This totally tops the list of things she does to aggravate my father!

I know Jill is cracking up reading this just thinking about my Mom saying that to my good old conservative pops!

RIP MJ,
Rose

the psychic.

I had 2 psychic readings today. For free. Both were dead on.

My sister has 4 coworkers that are psychics. Yes, psychics. Yes, four of them. A couple weeks ago she had a lady, Cat, read her coffee grounds. Of course, I was totally sucked into this and dying to have mine read. Sis talked to Cat and she said I could come in today when she got off work and have mine read.

I was told to bring in used coffee grounds, a styrofoam cup and a payday candy bar (Cat can see peoples fortune better if they are nice to her so since I've never met her apparently bringing her favorite candy bar is the next best thing)

When I first got to my sister's work, Cat hadn't finished her shift yet so I was sitting in the lobby with Sis. Pat (the other psychic) came up and started chatting to us and told my sister she was going out to smoke. With Pat, her abilities are hit or miss. She can't choose when to know something she just does. She was about halfway down the hall and comes back to me and says "Are you involved with anyone?" I told her not really, just Timmy and that was just sex. She looked at me and said "Whatever you do, don't trust him." Then she looked at my palm and told me that I will have three children. She said sometimes that it could be miscarriages and/or pregnancy (like 1 miscarriage, 2 children). That was all that Pat really said as she was still on the clock.

Cat clocks out and asks me to come into the back room with her while she mixes the cup. My sister grabs a cup for me (of course I had to forget something!!) and dumps the coffee grounds into the cup of water. Cat then grabs a plate and we go into the library where no one will bother me.

Once in the library she told me to swirl the coffee grounds while thinking about things I want her to touch on (I chose job, female issues/possible endometriosis, love life and my brother). She then had me put the plate over the top of the cup and flip it upside down. I had to spin the cup 3 full times (coffee ground water was spilling all over the plate!) and hand it to her. She took the cup off of the plate and peered into and that's how she was able to see things about me. She said it was a bit difficult to read as it was a tall coffee cup, not a small one, but she knew things anyway!

Cat talked to me for a full hour until she had to meet her sister.

Here are some of the things I can remember:
-The first thing she told me is the house I'm living in has some minor plumbing issues (which my bathroom is jacked. My tub and sink drip water ALL the time).

- I have a silver lining around me. Cat said she doesn't see that often but it is similar to a guardian angel watching over me at all times. She also said that it brings luck to me.

-She doesn't see me having surgery for endometriosis. She told me that I need to go see a female gynocologist and they'll straighten everything out.

-My brother will get joint custody of his children. She sees his future ex wife moving back to Kentucky on her own. She said that my dad has some pull in the court system that we don't know about yet. She also kept seeing my brother throw his kids up in the air and catching them.

-She said that right now I can really relate to MJ's song "Man in the Mirror" because I'm going through big changes in my life

-She told me that I have a large group of friends and that I love to dance.

-She told me that I was going on a trip soon (Jill and I are traveling to Maryland in 3 weeks for a wedding), that we decided to drive instead of fly (true), we'll have fun. She told me that she feels that I'll catch the bouquet. She also said that Jill will be running around like a mad woman right before it's time to leave because she won't leave until everything is perfect and she'll procrastinate until the last minute to get everything done.

-She said I either already know or will meet a bald man. (I think I already know him). She said the bald man will somehow connect me to a man that I'll "get on with really well." She said that he'll be very tan, have stunning eyes and that we will make the perfect pair. She told me that he either works at/around the airport or I will meet him there. She thinks his name starts with R and could possibly be Ron. R is around my age. She seriously went to town on this person. She knew a ton about him.

-She knew I was unhappy with my job. She told me that she knew I felt under appreciated and that I have too much energy for my position. Cat also said that there was envy towards me because I was doing so well and when I leave they will have no reason not to give me a stellar recommendation. She said someone I know will help me find a job better suited for me, but I will not be leaving my current position until I find it.

- She told me I'll have more opportunities to travel in the future but I won't be able to take them due to work/finances

- She told me that although I don't always think so, all of my friends and family think I'm hilarious

-She talked a lot about Sam. She said that he and his family loved me very much and that he still does. She said it will crush him when I start to date again. She told me what type of dog he has (!), his roommate isn't a good influence on him and she even told me what he looked like.

It was ABSOLUTELY ridiculous how much Cat told me. She knew things that no one else would be able to pinpoint. I wish I had taken a pad of paper in there and written it all down so I could remember it. She was going so fast that I can't even remember it all. She told me that she would love to read me again and I seriously can't wait.

I'm a believer,
Rose.

1 girl + 1 cup = Sonic Drive In

No matter how outlandish what you're about to read may sound, it is true.

My sister came and met me for lunch today. After eating our yummy red curry we decided to hit up the Sonic Drive-In right next door for some beverages.

Now picture this:

After I ordered our drinks, I pulled my car up. We were the fourth car from the window. The driver of the car directly in front of mine (white, approximately 45-50 year old, female) opens her door and starts to get out. I'm positive she's about to blow chunks. Of course, we're staring hardcore to see if this woman pukes.

The car in front of her drives off so she pulls her car up. She starts to get out of her car again and actually makes it all the way out.

I swear on all things Holy this is true: She grabs a Styrofoam cup, puts it under her skirt and pees.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the woman not only peed in the line at the Sonic drive-thru, but she didn't even try to hide it.

She then got back into her car and pulled up to the window to get her food.

My sister and I just looked at each other and couldn't say anything. Both of us were totally speechless. I've never seen such a thing. EVER.

HERE IS THE KICKER (just when you thought this story couldn't get any better/worse):

She handed the cup to the passenger who poured it out the window.

We asked the guy working the window if he saw it and unfortunately he didn't. Needless to say, we called everyone we could think about to tell them all about it.

Still speechless,
Rose

Perfection

Last night was the Dave Matthews concert. Dave was sexy (oh, man was he sexy), the music was amazing, the dancing was good, Tim Reynolds playing was a nice little surprise, the all night torrential downpour added a little something wonderful to the show (is anything in life better than dancing and singing in the rain to DMB? Anyone??).

One of the best nights we've had in a long time.

First off, Rose jammed the fuck out to Grey Street. He even said "Colors bold and bright" just they way she likes it. Seriously, Dave may have given her an orgasm. It was perfection. It was an overall amazing show, one of the best DMB concerts we've seen thus far (This is Rose's 4th and Jill's 3rd). He even ended with Halloween (which if you're a huge Dave enthusiast you know is rare and major jamming with occur).

And just to make you all jealous, here is the set list:

Dave Matthews Band
2009-06-16
Riverbend Music Center, Cincinnati, OH

Shake Me Like a Monkey
Funny The Way It Is
Stay Or Leave
Dive In
The Stone
Anyone Seen The Bridge
Too Much (tease)
Ants Marching
Lying In the Hands of God
Why I Am
Lie In Our Graves
So Damn Lucky
Seven
Jimi Thing
Squirm
You and Me
Everyday
#41
Grey Street

Encore:
Alligator Pie
Halloween

Still Jammin'
Rose & Jill

Getting Lucky in Kentucky.

So this happened last Saturday but I've been too lazy to write about it.

Remember the story of the candy jar thief? CT, otherwise known as Timmy?

Yeah, I fucked him last Saturday.

He called me on Saturday and I told me he was sorry he didn't call me when he went out the week before in Big Town (although I didn't know he was supposed to), but he was going to go out that night with his new roommate Addison (who was starting as an intern at my/Timmy's old job the following Monday. He knew her in college & got her the job) and asked if I wanted to go. It was about 10 and I had no plans so I told him I would take a shower and make my way to his apartment.

I got there and he told me we were going to go to a new bar called Sound because our bosses kids worked there. So we walked the four or so blocks down there *side note: I wore 4 inch pumps. I still have blisters to remember the night* We walked in and I immediately knew it was a gay bar. Which in KY means 2 things: Amazing dancing music & strong drinks.

So we're getting our drink on and dancing. All of a sudden Timmy kisses me. I just kind of danced away because, seriously, it was Timmy. A few more cocktails later I found myself kissing him back while dancing.

Then we're in the corner making out.

Next thing I know, we're walking our drunkity drunk asses back to his apartment (we totally left Addison!) stopping on the street corners to make out even more.

We get back to his place and the clothes start flying. We went at it like 4 times. Every time I thought we were done it started again. We even moved the party to the shower (hellllllooooo, hot!). Let me just say, the sex was amazing. Not just because I was drunk either. And I know this because we got down the next morning.

I'm not sure if it will happen again but we've talked a bit since then and both agree that we know what happens/will happen when we get drunk together. Which is perfectly fine with me.

Addison had me laughing so hard about it last night for several reasons:
1. She told me that she just knew that I would pull her aside at work on her first day and be all "don't fucking tell anyone" which I obviously didn't because it was a bit awkward. We had to get drunk before I was able to open up about it.
2. She told me she could hear EVERYTHING minus the morning sex. She told me that she didn't think she would ever pass out. She said I did a pretty good job of keeping quiet but that Timmy is wayyy loud (I made a serious effort to keep quiet because I knew she was like right outside the fucking door).
3.Timmy's apartment is a 1 bedroom/1 bathroom (that is actually in his bedroom) and she's staying on a blow-up mattress on the living room while she's working with us. She told me she had to pee so bad and she didn't want to interupt us so she pissed on their fucking balcony and prayed the people below weren't out!

xxx & ohhhhhs,
Rose

potluck!

I've had a crazy, crazy past week. I'm stealing Re-Re's idea and doing a "Potluck" of all the crap that has been going on. Prepare yourself.

1. I might be a little vague in this one, but it's for my families sake: My brother came to us two weeks ago and told us he was unhappy in his marriage and is divorcing his wife. He visited his lawyer and started the process. This Sunday she found something he had searched on the internet (had nothing to do with divorce), and confronted him for more information. He told her it was no big deal and was just something he saw on the news and wanted to know more about it. She told him if he didn't tell her exactly why he was looking it up, she wanted to separate. He told her that was fine that he had already been to see a lawyer and she would be served this week. He came to stay the night at our house. During the night, she packed everything in the house and moved 10-12 hours away to where her family is from. She took my niece and nephew with her. Because she hadn't been served yet, she was allowed to leave the state. I think it's safe to say that my life has been turned upside down with the "what-ifs." (what if my brother doesn't get custody, what if I never see them again, on and on).

2. My work BFF, L, got laid off last Thursday and it was a huge surprise. Especially since I normally know who is next.

3. We went out Friday night for the people who got laid off at work. My boss paid for the first $150 of booze. I got slightly drunk. I may have made some bad decisions including, but not limited to:

I know this is the one you all care about:

4. I slept with my prom date from high school. twice. He found me on facebook and we started chatting and text messaging. I went over to his apartment late Friday night and stayed the night. He was HUGE and I was super sore the next day. So sore that I was a little relieved when the time came Saturday night for a third round that he didn't have anymore condoms. Obviously, this is strange territory for me because I have never slept with someone besides Sam. It was good, just different.

5. Sam has been somewhat stalking me. When I told him that the prom date added me on facebook he flipped the fuck out. Like leaving letters and pictures on my car. I told him that obviously this friends thing wasn't going to work out and we couldn't talk. BUT he continued to call and text message. Not only me, but Jill and L. He was calling L's work phone and I'm sure if he had Jill's number he would have called her too. He keeps claiming that he's changed, things are different, he misses me, all that other shit. I've started ignoring him and he hasn't called or messaged me in 2 days. Obviously I'm over him (see #4 on list) but it is very aggravating. Not only is he harassing me, but now my friends. I'm about thisclose to changing my cell number which will really piss me off because I've had this number since I was 16.

Hmmm I think that is just about it. I miss you all. I'll write again soon, I promise :)

-Rose

Things is getting crazy!!!

So, I'm sitting here at work playing around (not going to lie, I was playing Farmtown on Facebook) when I get an email from Luke. He's a teacher here in lovely Kentucky. Being a teacher he gets mad emails from other teachers. Apparently teachers are forwarding fools, they will seriously forward anything. He forwarded me something that another teacher had forwarded to him.


Anyway, this email read "OMG. The rain is started...things is getting crazy!" I thought Luke had gone off his rocker, this boy never and I mean never uses poor grammar. I then scrolled down a little, where he said "Don't people know how to speak?!?"


So, I scrolled down a little farther in the email trying to figure out what all this was about. Another teacher had been sent an email from a teacher several hundred miles away in Po-Dunk County, Kentucky that read: "The rain is started all over again!! Things is so crazy around here and so many children are homeless." This email was sent to the entire Po-Dunk County, Kentucky school!!

And this is why people in Kentucky get a bad rep.


I'm assuming the teacher in Po-Dunk looks something like this...

But at least Po-Dunk teacher has compassion for the homeless kids.

<3,>

p.s. I realize I don't use the best grammar, but I'm not mass emailing with this stuff!

smooth

A guy from work, Tommy, has been pestering me to go bar hopping with him for at least a month. I finally gave in and told him I would go out Saturday night if he remembered to send me a text.

Sure enough, Saturday I received a text "Wanna go out tonight?" I figured why the hell not so I called up a work friend Lesley and asked her to go. Plus, earlier that day I bought a new pair of hot sex black patent Guess pumps that needed to have their debut. (I tried to find a picture, but couldn't)

I planned on going home after the night was over. When I picked up Lesley, I told her the plan, I would drink before we left if she would drive, have one drink at the bar and quit for the rest of the night so I could drive her home.

I started drinking and had a bit of a buzz by the time we made it to DownTown BigCity, we went to two sort of upscale bars that are connected. I like more of laid back place, but Tommy wanted to go so we gave in. We get inside and I immediately had to wait about 15 minutes to pee. Then I made my happy, slightly tipsy, self to the bar and ordered my favorite, Gin and Tonic.

Tommy decides he wants to dance. He is off dancing like a fool (no literally, dancing like a fool. He looked like John Travolta during his Saturday Night Fever days). We make our way to the dance portion of the bar. At the corner of the dance floor there was a little box for the bouncers/drunk women to stand on. Trying to act smooth, I was dancing in front of it and decided to step back onto it. Before I took my first step back and up, I looked at Lesley and said "Now this is how it's done."

I didn't make it.

I am not smooth.

I fell forward and twisted my ankle and was caught by a man with an afro and buck teeth. He was an ugly version of the Reading Rainbow guy, afro flat top included. Thank God I didn't break my ankle new heels. It would have been catastrophic.

AfroMan/ReadingRainbow looked at me after the tumble and said "I've been watching you all night and been waiting for a chance to ask you to dance." I looked at him, snarled my nose and pointed down, "Can't dance, I'm hurt."

Then he starts grinding on Lesley. Not only did I feel humiliated for her because I declined the bozo and he went for her, but I felt bad because HE HAD A BONER. Pure class people, pure class.

Your ankle breaker,
Rose

Well, it's time again...

Time for a TMI post. But it's worth it (I think.) Informative and funny. Can't get much better...

So since my hormones have gone all buck nasty crazy with switching birth controls my armpits decided to follow. Yes, ladies and gents, you read it right, Rose here has some sweaty pits. Well, until last weekend.

I had tried seriously everything: Secret, Secret Clinical, some Secret with lotion, Mitchum, Dove, the list goes on. I seriously have about ten deodorants right now that I'll probably never use.

Nothing was cutting it. I was in my second week of wearing jackets that covered up cute shits because of pit stains when I started to get pissed. I was about 2 minutes away from calling the Dr. to get some prescription B.O. Control (Ok, they don't stink, just extra wet but I liked the way B.O. & control rhyme).

Then I got on Walgreens website and did a little searching and the Clouds of Heaven opened up and showed me Certain-Dri. 72 hours of coverage? Seriously, 72 hours without putting it on again? I was sold.

I marched my happy ass to the CVS in town (We don't have a Walgreens in SmallTown). I bought the CVS equivalent, Ultra Dry, since I've spent about $50 on deodorant the past couple weeks. Then I got the Certain-Dri Morning refresher business because why the hell not? I've already dropped what seemed like enough cash for a new iPod.

I got home and read the instructions: Don't use after shaving or bathing. Luck still on my side, I had bathed that morning. I took my shirt off and applied "sparingly."

or so I thought...

After a few minutes my arm pits started to tingle. Moments later my arm pits were starting to get hot. Then it felt like they were on fire. I had put so much on it literally scorched my skin. I had to sleep with my arms out to the side because I couldn't stand fabric on them.

By the next morning I had a chemical burn. Fucking awesome. At least there was no sweat. By that night I still didn't have any sweat. Or the next day. Or the next! Even though I had showered (it doesn't come off!) and shaved! I've used it for a week now and let me just say, it really does work for 3 days.

The moral of the story is : Sparingly = One swipe.

FirePits,
Rose

Batter OUT.

We have a work softball team. I was asked to be on it but politely declined. See story below:

When I was in middle school my sister (age 12) and I (age 13) played softball. We played on the same team, the Bandits. Our uniforms were black. Pretty badass if you ask me. Sis and I always played in positions that work together (I was pitcher, she was catcher). We decided to try something new, me on first base & she was on second.

She sprained her ankle and was out for a week or 2. Since we live in Small Town, the odds of us not knowing each girl in our age group (and interacting with them daily at school) was slim to none. Everyone knew she had been hurt; she was on crutches.

She was finally able to play a game and I was stoked. Her first game back was against the Bears (okay, I totally made that up. I have no flippin' clue the team name). My entire family showed up including parents, grandparents and brothers.

It was that game when a Heartless Bitch (that is what I like to refer to her as. From here on known as HB) almost ruined my entire summer league career.

HB came up to bat. She hit a double. She ran past me and then went running to second base. Sis was off to the side waiting to have the ball thrown to her.

HB pummeled into her. The knock you down, make you roll, dust flying kind of push. On purpose. There was no way it was accidental as Sis was closer to short stop than second base. When the ump stopped the game to check on Sis she shook it off. I knew she was hurt. Call it sister's intuition if you will.

I. WAS. LIVID.

HB came back up to bat and hit a single. Perfect timing. I knew there would be 30 seconds or so where I could get a word in.

"Hey. I saw what you did to my sister," I whispered.

"I don't know what you're talking about." HB replied.

"You're a fucking liar. You know what you did. You're a coldhearted bitch. You fucking ran into her on purpose because you knew she was hurt. I swear to God if you as so much as look at my sister when you get to her base I will fucking kill you. If not during the game, I'll meet you at your dugout after," I said through clenched jaws.

Woah, Rose. Went a little far, didn't ya? What kind of 13 year old talks like that? Oh, yeah. I forgot, me.

Next thing I know the umpire is in my face because HB told him that I was threatening her. Great. I had to play all innocent (which I admit, I pulled off very well). The ump warned me if there was ever an incident with me again I would be kicked out of the league. My coach took my side against HB, made a scene and ended up being ejected from the game.

When the game resumed I walked back towards first base while giving HB the best bitch smile I could muster. A cold smile full of hatred that meant business. I knew I had won, she was scared. HB didn't even glance at my sister while running towards 2nd, in fact she kept her eyes down. She knew better not too.

Of course, my family knew what had happened. They knew me too well. I ended up with a pat on the shoulder from Mom for taking up for Sis.

It takes a lot for me to get pissed off to that degree, but when I do the person antagonizing me (or someone I'm close with) is toast. You know, if HB had done it again, I probably would have beaten her to a pulp. I'm just like that for the ones I love (and yes, Jill is included in this category). Lucky for her, she was smart enough not to look at my sister for the rest of the summer.

I just can't let my coworkers see this side of me ...yet

Sometimes a Fighter and Not a lover,
Rose

({*}) For mature audiences only...

EXCUSE ME????
Did I just read that right?
"~*Love your Vagina, Love the Vaginas you meet, Foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina, Be happy with your Vagina ♀*~"

Whoa. Hold up.

So, I've been on www.etsy.com a lot this week. I have to do a bunch of window shopping because I'm broke, so in one of my attempts to fill that shopping void deep within, I began searching for tobacco pouches (I've started rolling my own cigarettes and needed a pouch to put everything in). I click on this cute little pouch that looks like it would work...I was in for a shock.

This pouch most definitely will not work, because it has a huge VAGINA on it, and I think it's a wallet anyway.

I got curious...who on earth would put a vag on a wallet in the first place...oh yeah, that's right the same person who would make Vulva Necklaces, "Happy Uterus" stuffed animals and Vagina Pillows.

If you want to check it out for yourself you can go to Vulva Love Lovely.

Here are some samples of old Vulva Love's mechandise...and don't get too excited, you can most definitely purchase these items, I don't think they flying off the shelves anytime soon.

This may be the first time I have ever seen a "Vagina Pillow", now girls...don't get too excited (or maybe you should)...It has a secret pocket for your vibrator.



Next up is the Vagina Pendant Necklace. If you have a strong gag reflex, I would reccomend scrolling on down...Don't get me wrong, I love my za-za-down-there...but this is quite extreme.


WHO THE FUCK WOULD WEAR THIS AROUND THEIR NECK??????? Seriously, some feminazi really needs to get a life.

And last but definitely not least...Vagina Earrings. Woof.



Am I the only person who finds this to be incredibly weird and awkward?

The incredibly grossed out,
Jill

please remove my finger from your mouth, kind sir.

I just want to share something that happened to me Saturday night that I find extremely strange. And uncomfortable.

Saturday night I bar hopped with several of my friends (my good friend from college that I don't see enough, Tessa, and my co-worker, Leigh and a few other less important people). Good times were to be had (and the liquor was definitely flowing).

We ended up at one of the local Irish pubs. Green beer for St. Patty's (it's the first time I've ever had green beer!), a band with a flute, the whole shebang. Leigh, Tessa and I were talking to some guys I know from high school. Said high school friends introduced me to their friend, Dan, who I would say is in his mid-40s. As soon as I saw him I immediately knew who he was. He is on the police force in my hometown and friends with my Dad.

Rose: "Oh! I know you, I'm D's daughter!"
Dan: What? Oh, wow! I haven't seen you in years, you're all grown up! I just love your parents!

Then he starts talking to the guys from high school, "Rose's father is amazing, she's a great girl. Blah, blah, fucking blah." He was obviously extremely intoxicated. And by extremely intoxicated I mean stumbling around and could not focus his eyes.

This is where it gets really fucking strange and uncomfortable.

So Dan grabs my hand. I thought he was going to shake it or something but then he starts moving it towards his face. I just figured he was going to kiss my hand, strange, but whatever. But no...

The mother fucker bit my finger.

One minute I'm talking to him thinking he's gonna kiss my hand and the next thing I know he has my pointer finger in his mouth and he's biting away. He literally had over half of my finger in his mouth. On top of that he bit me pretty fucking hard. Who does that?!

I don't really remember what happened after that. Partly because I was drunk and partly because I was in shock. All I know is I had a bite mark on my finger. I have no clue if I was all "Dude, why are you biting my finger?" or "What the fuck are you doing, you ass cobra?" or I just sat there and took it while he used my finger as his personal raw-hide bone. All I do know is that after he bit my finger I didn't see him the rest of the night. He just disappeared.

Of course as soon as I got home the next morning I had to tell my Mom and Dad about Dan biting my finger. Like me, they had no words. I'm still in utter disbelief that someone bit my finger at a bar.

Not your chew toy,
Rose

that poor tree...

This morning Dad and I were leaving for work at the same time. I got into my car and he got into Mom's excursion.

Our driveway has a turn about and I had parked my car in that in reverse. Just put 'er in gear and go. Well, my Dad pulled up next to the house so he had to back up.

Let me just preface this by saying my Dad sucks driving in reverse. Like sucks so bad that he was backing up one time and hit my sister's then boyfriend's car and then blamed him for parking in the driveway!

This morning I'm not sure why, but he decided he didn't want to back up into the turn around or in the yard. He reversed down our entire driveway which I would say is 50 yards or so long. While he's reversing, I start driving (so our cars are facing each other)

I notice that he's driving pretty slow and starts to veer off of the driveway. I'm not surprised since as I said he sucks at backing a car up. I figured my lights could be in his eyes (our driveway has a hill and I was at the top of it), so I turned them off.

I then see the excursion rock pretty hard and I knew what had happened....

Dad totally hit a tree in the yard. A tree that is at least 5 feet away from the driveway.

Oh, once I realized what he had done I couldn't contain the laughter. Then I see him open the door.

"TURN OFF YOUR DAMN LIGHTS. YOU'RE BLINDING ME. I HIT THE FUCKING TREE!"

Well, no shit. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

I guess that his lights were reflecting into mine or something and that's what was blinding him.

When I got to work I called Mom and told her I thought Dad had hit the tree in the front yard with her car. She told me I was correct, he had. To top it off he hit it hard enough to put a dent in the back panel. Let me just tell you, that excursion is hardcore; it's hit a lot of things and no damage has ever been done to it. It's a tank. Obviously, he had to have hit it harder than I thought.

I told her that I had my lights off and she said it was fine. I asked her if I should apologize and she said not to bring it up. It's been a sore spot for him all day.

Yeah, I'm still laughing.

HAHA,
Rose

barry manilow.

I'm back from my blogging hiatus. I just needed some time for myself. So this is kind of a pointless post just to say Hi and I'm back! However, you, our dear readers are in luck! I'm going to tell you something funny and slightly humiliating!

So I needed to channel all of my hurt, anger, loneliness, etc. into something but couldn't figure out what to do. I sure as fuck wasn't going to do laundry or clean. So I went to Wal-Mart and while aimlessly wandering around I remembered the button flower bouquets I saw at a vintage store. Needless to say, I bought every single button in the store.

I seriously started putting in hours of time into these suckers. As in I made an entire bouquet, didn't like it, took it apart and started over. I even bought a box for organization and spent 2 hours organizing by color.

Here is a button flower is for those who don't know:
Those are some I found on google. I was actually going to take a picture of the ones I made, but my camera is dead. Bummer.


ANYWAY

I decided I needed to download some sappy sad breakup songs for the occasion. I decided on some sweet tunes by Barry Manilow because, well, there isn't anything much more depressing (plus I had seen a news article similar to this earlier in the day).

Then I started to notice the strange pop-ups for some AdVirus2009 business.

I ended up with a computer virus from a Barry Manilow song.

Specifically, I ended up with a virus from Barry Manilow's song "I Can't Smile Without You." A song I had never even heard. I was just going to download "Mandy" or something of the sorts but when I saw the title I was all "Oh! That song will be PERFECT!"

You can quit laughing at me now

FML. Really? Barry EFFING Manilow? I think the only way the situation could have been worse would have been getting the virus from Barney's "I Love You."

And can we just take a moment to talk about how creepy Mr. Barry Manilow is? His skin is so taught.

Apparently Barry Manilow is to facelifts & botox what Michael Jackson is to nose jobs & skin bleaching.

<3,
Not a Fanilow,
Rose

P.S. I figured out how to stop the pop-ups so I'm thinking I'm in the clear for now. Next time I'm going for Celine Dion.

The ULTIMATE Stink-Eye

While in college Rose and I frequented a certain, incredibly trashy local bar called Cheers. This bar is attached to a gas station! You really can't get any more trashy...oh wait, except at this bar you can. The people who go to this bar include "bounty hunters" who drive around freezer trucks just in case they end up needing to store things at a low temperature (I'm just saying that I really think they killed people), truckers, dirty men and even dirtier women. And it wasn't a rare occurrence to find someone snorting a line of coke in the bathroom or smoking a joint out back on the patio. The po-po would make nightly stops at this bar...they were always rolling up in there!

However, Cheers was where Rose and I went about once a week. We loved it. There was no reason to get all gussied up, we would walk in with our jeans and t-shirts with no make-up on and still look absolutely gorgeous in comparison to the people around us. If either of our parents had found out that we were going to this bar, our asses would have been grass.
We also made friends with the bartender, who would make us free drinks all night long. Rarely did I ever spend more than like $5 there.

Anyway, once Rose and I started going to Cheers so did our friends.
One night Rose and I decided to go up to Cheers, but didn't really want to deal with the normal crowd that was there so we gathered up a group of our friends to go with us. We walk into the bar and everyone notices us (this happened every time we went in). Rose and I were getting hellos from all the regulars while the other girls with us just stood there in awe of the trashiness that they were about to endure.
We belly up to the bar and start drinking. We are having a great time playing pool, dancing, singing karaoke and getting guys to buy us drinks.

Rose and I were talking when our friend Katie came over to us with a guy. We were proud of her for finding a guy to buy her drinks! Not to be hateful, but Katie kind of looks like the Cowardly Lion from "The Wizard of Oz", so it was a task to find someone who would buy her drinks. This guy seemed nice and all, so we let her continue talking to him.



It just so happens that Katie was also underage. She was 20 to be exact...we snuck her into the bar! This was her first bar experience ever!!

We kept drinking until they turned the lights on for everyone to go home. Luckily we didn't live too far from the bar, so it was easy to have someone take us home or to get someone to come pick us up. So, I'm off making phone calls trying to get someone to pick us up when all of a sudden Rose comes running up to me laughing her ass off. She took the phone from me and said "Jill, you've got to come over here. You've got to see this!"

When Rose gets that excited about something, you know it's good. So, I run over to the bar where all our friends are standing in a circle. Katie is still clinging to her man. Rose says "Look at his eye" in reference to the man Katie was trying to get with.

HE HAD A MOTHER FUCKING GLASS EYE!!!!!!



I couldn't believe what I was seeing. So, I asked him about it. I was like, "Not to be rude, but uhm...what's the deal with your eye?" Apparently Katie hadn't realized that he had the glass eye, because she just got this really confused look on her face. He told us some story about how he ended up with it...I didn't listen or care about what he was saying because I was still laughing hysterically at this point. Then he popped the glass eye out! I was completely grossed out by his eye socket (minus the glass eye) to begin with, then he tried to get Rose and I to touch the glass eye. No thank you.

Well, we finally found a ride and I started to get everyone together so we could leave. Rose came over because she noticed I was having trouble with Katie. Katie would not leave. She said that if we wouldn't take her to a local hotel that Glass Eye was staying at that she was just going to leave with him. WHAT?!?!?!

The hotel she wanted to go to is a local hotel, I don't remember the name of it...but it's even trashier than the bar we were at! Rose got really serious, she told Katie that she wasn't going to the hotel either way and that she was coming with us whether she liked it or not.

Katie threw a hissy fit in the middle of the bar. She started crying. Now, I've cried when I was drunk before...but NEVER over a dude, let alone one with a glass eye! She started saying how he was a really nice guy and that she really liked him and that nothing would happen. It took me, Rose and another girl to pull Katie away from Glass Eye that evening. Needless to say there were a lot of jokes about guys with glass eyes following this incident.

Oh and did I mention that Katie when she gets drunk does this thing while shes talking? Well, Katie when drunk talking begins to move her lower jaw from side to side, while moving it up and down. She looks like a cow chewing! So just imagine Katie, the Cowardly Lion who talks like a chewing cow and Glass Eye. Wouldn't their babies have been pretty?!?! Haha.

Don't worry...there will be more stories about Cheers...a lot happened there!

<3,
Jill

Honey, I'm home!

Sam called me this morning and told me the best story I've heard all week. And yes, although we've been major slackers, this will be a *FUF* post.

Sam is currently living with his parents due to financial issues from a divorce (I was a dirty mistress, sort of. They were in the process of getting divorced when we started dating). His family has remodeled the basement and made a couple bedrooms and a tv room out of it. His cousin also lives with them. There is an entrance to the basement around the back of the house. This is normally left unlocked (Sam & his cousin have lost their keys).

He heard strange noises last night. He looked around and thought it was his cousin coming in from her boyfriend's house and she had turned on a tv. Then he heard someone calling his name. He looked up and there was a man standing in his bedroom (who had obviously come in through the unlocked basement). He realized who it was; it was his friend Mark. Mark works for Sam's step-father and he thought that maybe he had come to help his step-father do some things around the house. Then Sam looked at the clock and realized it was 4 in the morning.

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing here at 4 in the morning?"
"Dude, I need a ride home and quick."
"What? What the hell is going on?"
"I'll tell you in the car, just come on."

Sam and Mark get in the car. Mark proceeds to tell him his FUF story of the night:

Mark had gone to Country Bar which is a club/bar type thing in Big Town. He then ends up absolutely smashed and starts talking to a girl. I guess there was some sort of chemistry because ol' girl decided to take Mark home. They get to her house and they start making some sweet, sweet lovin'.

Mark hears a door open and a man say "Honey, I'm home." Ol' girl was MARRIED and brought a man home while her husband was at work! Needless to say, Mark flips out. He scrambles to put on his pants, shoes & sweatshirt on (leaving his t shirt, boxers & socks behind) and gets out of the house. (I'm not sure if he goes out a door or what, but I assume the husband didn't see him).

He gets a good look at his surroundings and realizes he's about 5 miles from Sam's house. Fearing for his life he runs the entire way to get a ride home. He took the path of least resistance and ran through horse farms, people's yards, woods, etc.

Yes, I'm still laughing about it. Here are the reasons:
1. Who says "Honey I'm home" these days?
2. He went to Country Bar and wore a sweatshirt? I'm kind of surprised they let him in.
3. He left his socks, boxers & shirt behind. Like she can cover that one up. I see the conversation now "Whose boxers are these?" "Honey these are YOUR boxers." "BULLSHIT. I don't wear that brand!"
4. He ran 5 miles. 5 MILES to safety. I would have hidden behind a bush and called Jill to come get me. Fuck all that running.
5. Can we just talk about how he had to run through a horse farm? I'm telling you, he passed through some rough terrain.
6. I like to think he jumped out of a window. That is how it happened in my mind. I hope I'm right.

riiiiiiiip

I'm sure almost everyone who reads this has seen the Sex & the City episode "The Drought." As a mini refresher course, it is the one where Carrie farts while in bed with big.

Well, that happened tonight. Sam and I were in bed and HE farted. I noticed his tummy was rumbling quite a bit tonight but didn't think anything of it. Now this kind of thing normally isn't a big deal. We're going on two years so we've seen the worst of each other: puking, farting, diarrhea, etc. You name it, we've seen the other do it.

Until tonight. Sam ripped one while we were actually *ahem* doing the horizontal boogie. He was on top and riiiiiip . I just looked at him and once I figured out it wasn't me, totally busted out laughing. Sam on the other hand was mortified.

After a couple minutes of laughing he was all "Did I kill the mood?" and I was all "Nah, it happens, let's try this one again, tiger." I mean, when the going is good for me I might as well continue. One little fart didn't phase me.

UNTIL this:
Sam was all "I'm about to come" and riiiiiip. Laughter followed. He was all "Damn. I know I killed the mood this time." Then when he was getting off me I heard the riiiiiiiip again.

I just got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. I figured it would be better to laugh in there instead of continuing to laugh until I cried in his face. He followed me in there and I told him that I didn't care and at least I could get a good laugh out of it. He just said "Please don't tell all of your friends about it." I assured him I wouldn't and immediately got onto the computer. This shit was too good to keep bottled up inside!

He went home and I sent him this message "Um, when I walked in my room it totally smelled like fart. Thanks a lot."

I'm seriously still cracking up while writing this post. I just can't quit laughing. It was movie quality, seriously. I think it's a good thing that I can find the humor in the most awkward situations!

In love with a stinker,
Rose

Seriously

Yesterday the entire office got an email that looked very similar to this:

Subject: Flowers
Body: ____ received a bouquet of flowers yesterday that are now missing from the front desk. If you have seen them, or know there where abouts, please let me know.
Thank you,
Receptionist

Ok, first of all, who steals flowers?

Apparently this guy I despise does. He said when he was leaving for the day he saw them on the front desk and they said our company name (probably so flower guy would know where to send them... what a dipshit). So he figured they were free game and took them home to his wife. I assume he took the tags off of them and that little note card where you write 'Oh I love you, Pookie. I'd just die without you' or whatever people write in them these days.

He left for vacation the next day so obviously wasn't at work. Another woman in the office (his wife's best friend) had to go to his house, get the flowers and bring them back to work the original recipient.

Man. I'd be pissed if I was the wife and my husband brought me flowers and was all "Hi honey, I bought you flowers!" and it turned out that he stole them from work and someone had to come get them. Geeze.

Seriously, though. Who steals flowers? Especially that in bouquet form from a place of employment with a card in them?

Thankfully not my flowers,
Rose

The Sink Squirrel

This could be one of those infamous verbal vomit/TMI Rose posts.

I came home from work early because I wasn't feeling hot. I called my Mom to tell her I was leaving work because I was having God awful period cramps. I used to have bad period pain and leaving work early because of it is a big deal. She told me she would great me at the door with a percocet. (Yeah, how flippin' sweet is that?)

Anyway

I pull up in the driveway and see the plumber. I know that our water hasn't been getting as hot as it should so I figured that was the reason he was at the house. First words out of my mouth "Is the water on?" My mom said yes and if I needed to go I would need to use her bathroom as the plumber was in mine. Well, shit. I forgot all about my leaky faucet (it's been leaking for like a year) and that was his reason for the visit. My Dad didn't tell me, so my bathroom wasn't as clean as it should be.

Right in front of the bathroom door where I had left them were my panties. Classy, no? At least it was a cute pair of skivvies. I just slyly kicked them towards the hamper. I know he had to have seen them because they're bright pink and say something about dancing. Oh well.

Anyway, since Mr. Plumber had already taken everything from under my double sink I figured I might as well inform him of the clog in the left sink. (thus sparing him a trip of seeing yet another pair of my discarded drawers). What I failed to mention is that it's been clogged for as long as I can remember and that would be the reason my face wash & toothbrush are on the right side.

Anyway, I went and took a nap. When I woke up from the nap and went into the bathroom I noticed my bathroom trash had been taken out. "What kind of plumber takes out the trash? I guess that's a nice, but very strange gesture" I thought. I went on my merry way downstairs and asked my Mom why Mr.P had taken my trash out.

Her response: "He had to get a snake to clean out the hairball the size of a squirrel out of the sink. He brought it down because it was so much and he wanted to show me."

Holy. Shit. I know I lose a lot of hair in the shower (I fish what I endearingly call "The Wookie" out every couple months, but from what I hear that is fairly normal for people that have as much hair as I do). But seriously, a hair ball the size of a squirrel in the sink? How the fuck does that even happen? I've never washed my hair in the sink. I pretty much only use my sink to brush my teeth and last time I checked I didn't have hairy gums.

I just don't get it.

<3, An unknowingly, obviously balding Rose

P.S. He also found one of those fish tank marbles. Not sure how that got down there. Or the last time I had a fish for that matter.