*Expose Yourself*

I'm sure when Gina decided to tag us in the Expose Yourself thing she did it for two reasons.

1. She knew that one or both of us would do it (our blog isn't called Delightfully Inappropriate for nothing!)
2. She wanted us to get back to blogging!

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

I guess I should tell you who this is posting: Rose! If Jill wants to do it, she'll post a separate entry. Let's face it, we're huge slackers at blogging so you'll get two instead of one :)

1. I'm OBSESSED with this product called Liquid V for Women. The product claims to
"helps to stimulate and heighten the sensitivity in a woman's erogenous zone. This increases the rate of orgasms therefore making the moment one that can only be achieved with Liquid V." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever about all of that. All I know is when I dab a bit on my orgasms are better and quicker. I can't give a good enough review of this stuff. It may not work for everyone so I suggest getting a sample (there are little $4 samples which last quite a while at the check out counter of our Hustler)

2. I like it a bit rough. Push me around a little bit, bite me a little bit harder, slap my ass and pull my hair. I'm all yours if you do that.

3. I prefer missionary position. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it any which way, I don't really care... Missionary is just my favorite! How old school am I?

I hereby pass this award on to: ANYONE who feels brave enough to post it! Come on ladies, you know you want to!

25 Inappropriate Things About Jill

I'm copying Rose on this one. I wanted to write something, but was having severe writer's block...so here it goes...25 Inappropriate Things About Me.

1. I have slept with over 25 people, in a matter of 5 years. It's only an average of 5 per year...However, the only guys I've slept with in the past two years are all repeats. Pretty much just cut that down to 25 guys in 3 years. Doesn't sound so good now huh?

2. I have 4 tattoos. My parents only know about two of them...

3. Some of you all will remember this from a previous post. Here it goes again...I slept with Rose's younger brother. He had just turned 18, I was 22.

4. I have one of the foulest mouths. I can drop "fuck" in a sentence 6 times without even noticing I'm doing it. I also really enjoy the words cunt and ass cobra.

5. I have had buttsex. Yes, I know Rose said this in hers...but not only have I done it once, I've done it 3 times. Not enjoyable at any point and time. I will not be doing this again. But hey, you've got to spice up the sex life somehow, right?

6. I tend to get tired of people quickly. So, when dating someone I usually end up going for the guys best friend. I have almost ruined several "bromances" due to this behavior. I'm not proud.

7. I have 5 vibrators. I only use one of them. It's rechargeable! It was also on sale for $60 from $150.

8. My word vomit is horrible. I have no verbal filter. I say what I think, at all times.

9. I think about sex more than a man. Seriously...sex, sex, sex.

10. I've been in the process of losing weight for a little over a year now. I'm not trying to lose it quickly, so I've only lost about 40 lbs since I started. I still look in the mirror and see what I used to. This works in my favor, guys now think I'm hot and because I'm not used to male attention like that I unintentionally blow them off and that turns them on. I win.

11. I can always get a good laugh off of some politically incorrect joke.

12. I once was driving in a parking lot at a local mall. There was a 3 way stop, I stopped first so I was supposed to go first. Anyway, this man in a mini van almost side swiped me. I yelled "Get the fuck out of the way, you ass-cobra!" The mini van's windows were open. The man just looked at me like "What did she just call me?" He was more confused than angry that I was yelling at him.

13. I have no problem making fun of people to their face, especially if I don't know you. I used to go shopping with my roommate. We would get fucked up, walk around and make fun of all the high school kids. I'm a winner.

14. My first time at Bonnaroo I bought some sweet tea and a corn dog at the Dave show. 15 minutes after taking my first sip of the sweet tea I started seeing Jesus in the clouds. That was the best sweet tea I have ever had.

15. Back in college, Rose and I crashed a Bachelor Party. We didn't even know these guys! I ended up almost sleeping with the Bachelor. A friend of ours came into the room and told me it wasn't going to happen. I rolled over and said "You think I'd actually do anything with that tiny thing? Gives a whole new meaning to "shake it like a salt shaker."

16. I never give second chances to people. You fuck me over, I will make your life a living hell. For example...my little sister in the sorority I was in during college. She fooled around with a guy I had been dating on and off for several years, during a time that me and him were together. I made her life so horrible that she transferred schools and decided she was a lesbian.

17. I used to keep Facebook open at work, all day long. Now, they've gone and blocked it. I feel like I'm beating the system by using my phone.

18. The other day while on lunch I went to this convention my employers were having. They had a group of handicapped kids performing a dance. I sat there and didn't know whether or not to laugh or cry. Everyone around me had no problem deciding which one to do...they were fighting back tears.

19. When Rose and I were checking out of our hotel in Baltimore, we had an Indian woman checking us out. She was asking me a question, I didn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. My response was "Huh?!?!?" in a rather loud voice. She asked again. Rather loudly I respond with "WHAT?!?!?" Rose walked off, while she was walking away I finally understood what the woman was saying to me, "Did you enjoy your stay?" My response, "Oh, huh"...I then walked off. One of the groomsmen was sitting at a table in the lobby. He looked at Rose and said, "Yeah, I'd walk off too if she were my friend." The entire lobby heard me acting like a dumbass.
Rose...she knew exactly what the woman was saying to me the entire time.

20. I once had sex within 3 feet of my roommate at the time. Good thing she was passed out drunk.

21. I made out with one of my best girl friends to get a guy away from me at a bar. He was "in love" with me and wouldn't stop dry humping my leg, we weren't even out on the dance floor. I told him I was a lesbian and that my friend was my long-term girlfriend.

22. I once met a guy from Hotornot.com at midnight in a random park, about 2 years ago. Turns out he's a really great guy. I'm actually going over to his place tonight... ;)

23. My friend Luke and I send emails back and forth everyday making fun of the teachers he works with. They send him stupid shit all day long, he sends it to me. I make fun of the person. He laughs. I laugh. Making fun of people, it's what I do best.

24. I don't like to be clothed.

25. I have this problem where I give people horrible looks without realizing that I am doing it. I've actually made a person cry, just by the way I looked at them. It's hard to describe, but trust me...if I don't like you, you can tell it by the look in my eyes...and I'm not shy about it.

25 Inappropriate Things.

I saw this idea somewhere else but I can't remember where. This is a list of 25 inappropriate/bad things about me.

I'm not tagging anyone in this. It's pretty amusing to do though!

on to the list:

1. I flip the bird at least 10 times a week while driving.

2. I'm supposed to make at least 35 calls a day to clients. I call Jill, my mom, my sister, my dad's office and sometimes my cell phone's voicemail to reach the number

3. I am a straight up creep status. If I want to know something about you I will find it out. I will facebook, myspace and/or google the shit out of you. I've even made Jill drive passed a house or two to see the guy's living situation.

4. Sometimes when I get pain pills for my cramps, I'll take one or two recreationally.

5. Lately, when someone pisses me off I've written them off. I used to be forgiving but not so much anymore. I have a "fuck off and die" list right now.

6. I got caught shoplifting when I was 16 and was on probation until I was 18

7. My 16 year old cousin went shopping with me last weekend. Instead of scolding her, I asked her why she didn't lift something for me.

8. I say "fuck" at least 100 times a day.

9. When I was 21, I had a freshman fling who had just turned 18. Now, at 23, I made out with a 47 year old co-worker who is married and has kids my age. Also at 23, I have a minor crush on my little brothers best friend. I need to change my life, starting immediately.

10. I am in love with a guy from work. It's not even that he's really attractive. He's about 40. Has a wife and kid. We have so much in common it's ridiculous. Sparks start flying when we start talking. We love the same music, books, bars and the list could go on. A co-worker even noticed it. I wish he wasn't married OR had a kid because I would be allllll over that. I think about fucking him all the time. I mean All. The. Time.

11. My first vibrator will always be my favorite. I hope it never dies.

12. I will always have a love for the "Team America" song... America, FUCK YEAH... so lick my butt and suck on my balls. It always gets stuck in my head at the most inappropriate times ...like right now, at work.

13. The same with "Wow, I can get sexual too" by Say Anything... "I called her on the phone and she touched herself....she touched herself...she touched herself. I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I laughed myself to sleep."

14. I say exactly what I think. If I think something looks bad, I'll say it. Normally this causes shocked reactions from people because the word "fuck" is often involved.

15. I once left a fraternity party to go home with a boy from another school. He was engaged. Jill got pissed and I told her I would find my own way home from his house. She called my sister. Our friendship almost ended over it.

16. The first person I ever gave a blowjob to had a serious girlfriend. After him there was a string of guys who were in relationships. I'm passed that stage in my life (ignore said 47 year old co-worker. I was fuuuuucked up).

17. I once hooked up with a guy name Bobby. He was decent looking and hung around my coffee house. He crashed a college party and told all my friends that I gave him the best head of his life. I took a bit of pride in that. Then Jill had butt sex with him.

18. Ever since I broke up with Sam I've been horny all the time. It sucks because the men around here = not so good.

19. The other night I asked my Dad a pressing question. "Dad, here's a pressing question: is it better to have oral or genital herpes? Do you want the world to know you're a whore or just your significant other?" See... I'm even inappropriate with my parents.

20. Apparently when I'm messed up, I always talk about sex. Jill said that a night with me isn't complete unless I bring up sex.. The other day I actually said "I'm trying really hard not to talk about sex right now."

21. 90% of the time my boobs are showing at work. Unless I have on a turtleneck or t-shirt, my cleavage is showing. Although not my fault, my boobs are huge. No one has ever said anything though.

22. If I'm eating at work and not going out to lunch, I won't stay clocked out for an hour. I'll clock out, cook my food, eat it, clock back in and then sit around for a while smoking or whatever. They cut my overtime at work, so I have to do something. Plus, this normally results in being able to leave early on Friday because I've capped my hours.

23. An addition to #5. On Saturday Jill & I went to a wedding. A pregnant friend (well, former friend. neither of us has talked to her in about a year), wanted to catch up with us. We ignored her. Straight up looked her in the eyes and walked away. No words exchanged.

24. I like off color jokes. Helen Keller and dead baby jokes almost always cause me to chuckle.

25. I've spent more time making this list than actually working.


This list was a bit difficult to write. There are so many different things I could write but I didn't want to air all of my dirty laundry :)

<3,
Rose

Balt <3 Amour

Ladies and Gentlemen...I'm writing my first post in a loooooong time. Sorry for my lack of presence here lately, I know you all missed me...haha.

Rose and I just got back from a lovely extended weekend in Baltimore. I had no clue that the original Washington Monument is in downtown Baltimore! Rose was nice enough to let me stop, pay for valet parking and walk to the damn statue. I have a small obsession with good ole' George Washington...or Georgie as I refer to him as.



We had a great time in Charm City. My best friend from high school was getting married, I was her Maid of Honor...I wouldn't have been able to make it without Rose along for the haul. Luckily I'm fortunate to have a best friend willing to make a 9 hour drive with me just to watch someone get married. Of course we had our share of mischief.

Rose and I got into the Baltimore area last Thursday afternoon. We had a little bit of time before the rehearsal dinner, so we decided to grab some lunch. Before we left we decided that we should get crab legs, since we were close to the coast and they would be fresh. We go to this cute little place called Wet Willy's Crab Deck, thinking they would have the best crab legs we had ever eaten. We decided to split an order of a dozen...we waited for our food. When the waitress came out with our food, she plopped 12 WHOLE CRABS on our table.




Rose's face went blank. I decided to take control of the situation and told the woman that I needed to be "reminded" of how to get into the crab to get the meat. She showed me...my gag reflex started going full speed ahead. I new that Rose couldn't do it, so it was all up to me. I think we maybe ate 7 of the damn crabs.
Apparently this is the only way you can get crab in Maryland...disgusting. WTF?

In our adventures, the GPS took us straight through the Baltimore ghetto. GPS's really should have a feature that is called "Reroute though a better part of town." I feared for my life. Scary shit.

One afternoon Rose and I were starving...this was on the same day we saw Georgie...We decided that after stopping to see the monument that we would grab some food. We pulled out the trusty (or not so trusty) GPS to find somewhere to eat within walking distance. In honor of George we decided to walk over to The Mount Vernon Stable.


At this restaurant we ended up having the most fabulous crab soup ever. It totally made up for the earlier crab situation. We also sat next to two drag queens who were in their 60's. Amazing...they didn't even try to cover up their masculine voices. Made my day.

In a nutshell that was our trip to Baltimore. We had a blast...I've decided that a 4 day weekend once every 6 months is completely necessary. Where should I go next? I was thinking maybe D.C. Where-ever it is I hope that it is just as much fun as Baltimore.

<3
Jill

keepin' it classy.

So on Wednesday, Jill & I took a country dip for her birthday and to celebrate FUF a bit early (that would be Fucked Up Friday for those who don't know).

*The following has been added in by Jill, with Rose's permission:
I went to Rose's house and picked her up, we started driving. Rose was telling me where to drive, because I had no clue where I was going. We drove around for a good hour, finally I looked at Rose and asked her where the hell we were at. Rose calmly rolled down her window and said "Uh, I'm not sure. I think we are going to go under the interstate then we will be at the road that will take us back home."
ROSE HAD NO IDEA WHERE WE WERE!
Turns out, we had driven to the next town over, 30 minutes away!*

As soon as I got home I took a bath because I didn't want to smell. I got all paranoid that my parents would know that I was home if I drained the bathtub. Nevermind they probably heard me fill it up. Oh, classy, I know.

I passed out at about 8:30 that night. Mostly because I was tired, partly because I was out of my mind and quite possibly because I ate a junior bacon cheeseburger, chicken sandwich, fries and a large dr. pepper from Wendy's. Whatever.

About 9:30 I heard this loud boom but continued to sleep. Dad came in the room to see if something happened (like I fell out of the bed, I guess. I'm known for that and talking incoherently while sleeping) and asked me what it was.

This was our conversation:

Dad: What was that?
Rose: It was the cannon
D: What cannon?
R: The cannon on the road.
D: Huh?
R: The cannon that Jill and I passed on the road on my way home. What the fuck are you talking about?
D: What the fuck are you talking about?
R: I don't know.

Then I proceeded to fall back on the pillow and pass out.

Turns out, the cannon was a firework my brother set off.

Whatta Night,
Rose

Going to the chapel, FUF style.

I was stalking visiting some of my friends facebook pages this morning and realized that today was graduation practice for the class of 2009.

This had me thinking about the day that Jill and I had graduation practice. Jill's & my name happen to be right next to each other in the alphabet. We ended up getting to walk and sit with each other during graduation and baccalaureate (how effing cool is that? just by chance sitting next to your best friend during graduation? let me tell you, we took pictures the entire time!)

Well, graduation / baccalaureate practice was at 10 on Friday morning. Our last day of class was the previous Monday so we had spent the last four days in a a drunk and smoking stupor. We were tore up, for real. Well, the night before we decided to do a little 8 dollar challenge. All you can drink for 8 bucks and let me tell you, we were serious. I always drank no less than 5 beers and no less than about 10 rum & diets..

Jill wakes me up at about 9:50 the next morning telling me to get my ass ready for practice.

I was drunk as a skunk. Not just the little bit of dizzy head most people have when you quit drinking 8 hours prior. I was a full on stumbling, not talking coherently, couldn't light my own cigarette, smelling like booze drunk bitch at 10 in the morning.

I somehow manage to find a t shirt and jeans to throw on and we went to the chapel to practice for our baccalaureate that would happen that night. All of the seniors line up and go through the main entrance. Once you get into the foyer, there are two separate doors to go through, one on the left and one on the right. The explained that we would be in two lines and both lines would walk through the right door and split from there to be seated.

I was on the left side. Being drunk I obviously didn't understand the directions. As soon as I made it in the chapel I make a beeline for the left door. Stumbling and running. However, I didn't notice there was no one in front or behind me. I vaguely heard someone yelling "Orange shirt. Orange shirt! Wrong way!" I didn't even know I had a damn orange shirt on. Then Jill yells "Rose, you idiot, you're going the wrong way!"

The only thing I could yell back was "I'm drunk!" I then proceeded to run and get back in line. Needless to say, it was a very long, very hot, very very drunk practice.

I think I for sure went out with a bang.

Still Drunk,
Rose

the AR cheating ring.

When I was in 8th grade, our English teacher was in a bad car wreck and was out most of the year. We had a long term substitute teacher, who was nice enough but a total ditz. She didn't know a comma splice from a hole in her head.

We had this program called Accelerated Reader (or AR for short). The point of the program is to encourage students to read. Books were given point value (most middle school books were 4-6 points and books such as Gone With The Wind were upwards of 50). Each student had to get 20 AR points every 6 weeks of class. I never had a problem doing this as I am a book worm. I would go through the approved list of books and check for ones I had already read, take the test on it and voila! I had my A.

Well, I sat right next to the test computer. I noticed kids weren't getting the points they needed to get an A in the class so I had a genius idea. I got a group of about 10 of my closest friends together. We each were in charge of reading a book (you could pick as long as it was at least a 6 points). We would read the book and then take the test for ourselves and the other kids in the group. That way, people wouldn't bust their ass to read, would get the points they needed & get bonus points by going over 20.

We were famous. Every student wanted to be in the group. Once kids found out about our plan, cheating rings were formed in every English class in the middle school, the 6th graders even started doing it. People would flock to us in the hallways between class periods. They knew we wouldn't take a test for them (make your own ring, bitch!) but they loved us anyway because we figured out a way and executed a plan that could get the entire school get an A. I can imagine it's the same type of high the kids in the movie 21 felt while ripping off the casinos; but we just ripped off the middle school. People admired us.

We were sly, or so we thought...

The plan worked for quite a while. Until the real teacher came back, noticed the huge increase in AR points in our class (since we were the first to do it, our points were massive. We didn't just stop at 20 points, we wanted 50, 100 or more!). She had heard word on the street of our little scheme.

We. Got. Busted.

A group of us were called into the principal's office; most from 2nd hour English (my class), but some from 1st hour. The principal informed us that our cheating ring had been busted. All of us with high points from those two classes had to write a statement (I'm not shitting you. We had to write what we had done and who all was involved in our plan). Once the principle left, we all agreed to write down only the names of the other kids in the office. No point in bringing down the entire middle school.

I remember going home and telling my mom, but I don't remember her being upset at all. I think her exact words were "Even with those zeros, you better still make honor roll." A few days after we gave our statement we were each called into a panel of teachers. I walked into the class cool as a cucumber. "Yeah. I did it. I organized one of the groups." I said to the 5 teachers.

The English teacher burst into tears: "Why? Why you Rose? I know you love to read. You have such good morals, what happened? I just don't understand what would possess you to do such a thing. I wasn't surprised when I saw the rest of the names on the list, but when I saw yours I was completely floored."

"Because I think that AR is a big pile of crap. A lot of people in our class read extremely slow and are lucky if they can finish a single book in 6 weeks. We don't get class time to read and on top of that no one wants to be forced into reading every single day when they get home. I love to read, but by you making me do it, I despise it."

They didn't know what to say. Needless to say, I got my AR privileges revoked and received three zeros in the grade book instead of my normal A. The teacher also had to watch as we logged in to take our test to make sure we weren't doing it for anyone else.

I'm still surprised I didn't get suspended. Or that my mom didn't kill me. However, from then on out, during English we got to spend 10-15 minutes a day reading and the entire class period about once a week.

<3, your ring leader, Rose.

P.S. I still managed an A in English for the year!

blowjobs and bathrooms

Under the Influence suggested a post on first/most memorable one night stand. Good topic. I have a couple memorable ones, but one takes the cake.

My first one night stand is also my most memorable. I think I've said it before, but I let Sam cash in on the V-Card so I was "everything but" girl in college (minus a few VERY close encounters with the Douche).

The very first night of college I met some upperclassmen girls (they lived in the room beside me and were actually in the sorority I later joined.) and they invited me to go out with them the first Saturday I was there. First of all, this is a huge no no. You are not allowed to go out with freshman during their orientation week. You are definitely not allowed to take them to a frat house. Being the rule breaker that I was, I went.

We got to the fraternity house and went and hung out in this guy named Brian's room. He was giving drinks away freely, another thing against the rules, no alcohol on campus. Of course, being a BAMF (that is Bad Ass Mother Fucker for those who do not know), I grabbed greedily. It wasn't a big deal for me to drink, I've been drinking since 6th grade, it was however a big deal because I couldn't buy the contraband. (He was 21 and I was a lowly 17, soon to be 18 year old). It was lemonade and vodka; I drank so much of that when I was in college it makes me sick to think about.

Fast forward a couple weeks. Brian and I had this major flirtation thing going on. Brian also had a girlfriend, Anna, who was in said sorority I later joined. Are you all sensing a pattern here? I'm a homewrecker, I guess. (Homewrecking tally that I've written about so far: Douche, Sam and now Brian). I guess I just have no morals. Ok, that is so not true, I was just young and dumb.

Eh, on to the story.

One night after massive amounts of binge drinking I decided I needed some WaHo (that would be Waffle House) in my life. Brian took me and another girl. We got back to campus and he dropped the other girl off at our dorm. He asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him around campus. Sure, why the hell not? It's 3 in the morning and I'm drunk, maybe I should walk around and see if I can get a PI. We ended up walking by the student center on campus.

Brian worked at campus safety in the student center and paged the person on call. I'm not sure what excuse he used on the rent-a-cop, but he let us in the locked building. Next thing I know, we're downstairs and he is leading me into the men's bathroom where we proceeded to hook up. Classy, no? I assume we went into the bathroom because his girlfriend often slept in his dorm room.

After he had his glory we went back to the dorm. His girlfriend was asleep in his bed so I peaced out. If you're gonna be a homewrecker, you gotta keep that shit a secret.

It was a night of firsts: first one night stand (if you will), first time I had ever given a blowjob and the first (and only time) I've ever hooked up in a public bathroom. Although it was my first, he later told me "That was the best head EVER," which is a comment I've heard a couple times.

Just for the record, I know it's pretty filthy... being a mistress hooking up in a very public bathroom in a student center, and the men's room at that!

I guess Anna had an idea what was going on because she badmouthed me to the sorority and I didn't get a bid my freshman year. I'm guessing it was because I was a slut. Here is laughing at her though, as soon as she graduated I got that bid. HAHA.

Dirty Bathroom Whore,
Rose