keepin' it classy.

So on Wednesday, Jill & I took a country dip for her birthday and to celebrate FUF a bit early (that would be Fucked Up Friday for those who don't know).

*The following has been added in by Jill, with Rose's permission:
I went to Rose's house and picked her up, we started driving. Rose was telling me where to drive, because I had no clue where I was going. We drove around for a good hour, finally I looked at Rose and asked her where the hell we were at. Rose calmly rolled down her window and said "Uh, I'm not sure. I think we are going to go under the interstate then we will be at the road that will take us back home."
ROSE HAD NO IDEA WHERE WE WERE!
Turns out, we had driven to the next town over, 30 minutes away!*

As soon as I got home I took a bath because I didn't want to smell. I got all paranoid that my parents would know that I was home if I drained the bathtub. Nevermind they probably heard me fill it up. Oh, classy, I know.

I passed out at about 8:30 that night. Mostly because I was tired, partly because I was out of my mind and quite possibly because I ate a junior bacon cheeseburger, chicken sandwich, fries and a large dr. pepper from Wendy's. Whatever.

About 9:30 I heard this loud boom but continued to sleep. Dad came in the room to see if something happened (like I fell out of the bed, I guess. I'm known for that and talking incoherently while sleeping) and asked me what it was.

This was our conversation:

Dad: What was that?
Rose: It was the cannon
D: What cannon?
R: The cannon on the road.
D: Huh?
R: The cannon that Jill and I passed on the road on my way home. What the fuck are you talking about?
D: What the fuck are you talking about?
R: I don't know.

Then I proceeded to fall back on the pillow and pass out.

Turns out, the cannon was a firework my brother set off.

Whatta Night,
Rose

The point of the matter is...

that I have a fuck buddy.

Yes, I will talk about the sex (but that's later down the post)... And this is considered our FUF post of the week because I sure celebrated FUF the first night we hooked up!

I was reading something today (and I think it was in Cosmo. or maybe online, whatever). The article was something like "Is He The One?"

Side Note: I've been reading Cosmo since middle school. I swear the reuse the same articles every couple of years. The sex tricks are the same, I know my G-Spot is my "hidden pleasure spot" and the cosmetic tricks are all of the same. However, I just keep reading it. I don't know why, but I'll buy it even though I know EVERYTHING that will be in it!! Does anyone else feel this way??

The article was set up in an A and B format. You chose whichever you felt fit the relationship the best. The only one that I remember was something like:

What do you talk about when together:
A) Last weekend, what you're doing later, etc.
B) Your childhood, your family

Well, I did the quiz in my head (do people actually get a pen to mark them?) and obviously John (also known as my prom date sophomore year of high school) falls into the fling category.

Now, I didn't really need a quiz to tell me this. John and I've had quite a whirlwind relationship(s). We've been best friends, we've been enemies, we've made out, we've said the most horrible hateful things and now we've had sex.

We've gone through the same type of "quasi-relationship" several times. Every couple of years one of us will text or call the other and we'll start talking. Which leads to hanging out. Which leads to making out and now leads to sex. Then after so long (sometimes a week, sometimes a couple months), we fizzle.

Jill has seen the fizzle. It's like something inside of me (and it always has been me), is just done. I can remember the last fizzle. Junior year of college. John, Jill & I were hanging out in her room after a night of crazy antics. Jill and I were in a deep conversation about the Italian Renaissance (I'm not kidding, it was something along those lines) and John was just sitting there. He tried to say something and I looked at him and said, "What, do you not understand what we're talking about? Do we need to talk slower?" Yeah, I know it was horrible. John got up and left. I talked to him one last time to get Jill's purse out of his car.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love John to death. I care for him deeply. It's just a purely physical relationship. Since we've become adults, John and I don't really have anything to talk about or have anything in common. Sure, we hang out and have fun but we talk about mindless things like movies or music. We don't share our fears and dreams.

And to be quite honest, this time we really don't even talk. We just keep it cordial with: "How is your day" "anything new with you?" and "what time do you want me to come over?" We go through the same motions almost every time. I go to his apartment. We hang out and watch tv. We start making out. We go fuck. I might sleep, I might not. I leave.

So, based on the past, I have a pretty strong feeling that there will be no "us" and I am okay with that. He's not really relationship material anyway. Plus, I have my first real fuck buddy!

Now, on to the part that makes this blog so "delightfully inappropriate!" The. Sex.

• The sex with John is decent enough. I wouldn't call it mind-blowing or anything. Now, I know that I don't have much to compare him to, but sex with Sam was definitely much better.
• However, John is HUGE so that makes up for whatever it's missing. I'm not kidding when I say huge. It makes me cringe a bit knowing it's coming and it's that stinging sensation of losing your virginity for the first couple minutes. Then we're good to go. (Girls, how do we make this stop? It's not an issue on my part if you know what I mean).
• He does this thing that I love where during missionary he holds my hands above my head where I can't move them. I don't know if it's the fact that he has all the control or what but Good. God. Amazing.
• He can last FOREVER. I'm sure I'm not the only one who reaches a point where I'm all "Come on, get off. For real." because I'm just done. Well, he finally does get off... what feels like an hour later.
• AH, once we're done he goes and gets me a glass of water. Then he rubs my back. And plays with my hair. I'm a sucker for that.
• I'm looking for new sex positions to try...so anything you want to share with me is good. (where are you when I need you Christina & Courtney?!)
  

So yeah, probably more than you would ever want to know about the relationship of John & Rose part XIVV. I would write more but I'm kind of tapped out on anything else. SOOOO if there is anything else you want to know, ask. I'm a kiss & tell kind of girl.

A kisser & teller,
Rose

Going to the chapel, FUF style.

I was stalking visiting some of my friends facebook pages this morning and realized that today was graduation practice for the class of 2009.

This had me thinking about the day that Jill and I had graduation practice. Jill's & my name happen to be right next to each other in the alphabet. We ended up getting to walk and sit with each other during graduation and baccalaureate (how effing cool is that? just by chance sitting next to your best friend during graduation? let me tell you, we took pictures the entire time!)

Well, graduation / baccalaureate practice was at 10 on Friday morning. Our last day of class was the previous Monday so we had spent the last four days in a a drunk and smoking stupor. We were tore up, for real. Well, the night before we decided to do a little 8 dollar challenge. All you can drink for 8 bucks and let me tell you, we were serious. I always drank no less than 5 beers and no less than about 10 rum & diets..

Jill wakes me up at about 9:50 the next morning telling me to get my ass ready for practice.

I was drunk as a skunk. Not just the little bit of dizzy head most people have when you quit drinking 8 hours prior. I was a full on stumbling, not talking coherently, couldn't light my own cigarette, smelling like booze drunk bitch at 10 in the morning.

I somehow manage to find a t shirt and jeans to throw on and we went to the chapel to practice for our baccalaureate that would happen that night. All of the seniors line up and go through the main entrance. Once you get into the foyer, there are two separate doors to go through, one on the left and one on the right. The explained that we would be in two lines and both lines would walk through the right door and split from there to be seated.

I was on the left side. Being drunk I obviously didn't understand the directions. As soon as I made it in the chapel I make a beeline for the left door. Stumbling and running. However, I didn't notice there was no one in front or behind me. I vaguely heard someone yelling "Orange shirt. Orange shirt! Wrong way!" I didn't even know I had a damn orange shirt on. Then Jill yells "Rose, you idiot, you're going the wrong way!"

The only thing I could yell back was "I'm drunk!" I then proceeded to run and get back in line. Needless to say, it was a very long, very hot, very very drunk practice.

I think I for sure went out with a bang.

Still Drunk,
Rose

The ULTIMATE Stink-Eye

While in college Rose and I frequented a certain, incredibly trashy local bar called Cheers. This bar is attached to a gas station! You really can't get any more trashy...oh wait, except at this bar you can. The people who go to this bar include "bounty hunters" who drive around freezer trucks just in case they end up needing to store things at a low temperature (I'm just saying that I really think they killed people), truckers, dirty men and even dirtier women. And it wasn't a rare occurrence to find someone snorting a line of coke in the bathroom or smoking a joint out back on the patio. The po-po would make nightly stops at this bar...they were always rolling up in there!

However, Cheers was where Rose and I went about once a week. We loved it. There was no reason to get all gussied up, we would walk in with our jeans and t-shirts with no make-up on and still look absolutely gorgeous in comparison to the people around us. If either of our parents had found out that we were going to this bar, our asses would have been grass.
We also made friends with the bartender, who would make us free drinks all night long. Rarely did I ever spend more than like $5 there.

Anyway, once Rose and I started going to Cheers so did our friends.
One night Rose and I decided to go up to Cheers, but didn't really want to deal with the normal crowd that was there so we gathered up a group of our friends to go with us. We walk into the bar and everyone notices us (this happened every time we went in). Rose and I were getting hellos from all the regulars while the other girls with us just stood there in awe of the trashiness that they were about to endure.
We belly up to the bar and start drinking. We are having a great time playing pool, dancing, singing karaoke and getting guys to buy us drinks.

Rose and I were talking when our friend Katie came over to us with a guy. We were proud of her for finding a guy to buy her drinks! Not to be hateful, but Katie kind of looks like the Cowardly Lion from "The Wizard of Oz", so it was a task to find someone who would buy her drinks. This guy seemed nice and all, so we let her continue talking to him.



It just so happens that Katie was also underage. She was 20 to be exact...we snuck her into the bar! This was her first bar experience ever!!

We kept drinking until they turned the lights on for everyone to go home. Luckily we didn't live too far from the bar, so it was easy to have someone take us home or to get someone to come pick us up. So, I'm off making phone calls trying to get someone to pick us up when all of a sudden Rose comes running up to me laughing her ass off. She took the phone from me and said "Jill, you've got to come over here. You've got to see this!"

When Rose gets that excited about something, you know it's good. So, I run over to the bar where all our friends are standing in a circle. Katie is still clinging to her man. Rose says "Look at his eye" in reference to the man Katie was trying to get with.

HE HAD A MOTHER FUCKING GLASS EYE!!!!!!



I couldn't believe what I was seeing. So, I asked him about it. I was like, "Not to be rude, but uhm...what's the deal with your eye?" Apparently Katie hadn't realized that he had the glass eye, because she just got this really confused look on her face. He told us some story about how he ended up with it...I didn't listen or care about what he was saying because I was still laughing hysterically at this point. Then he popped the glass eye out! I was completely grossed out by his eye socket (minus the glass eye) to begin with, then he tried to get Rose and I to touch the glass eye. No thank you.

Well, we finally found a ride and I started to get everyone together so we could leave. Rose came over because she noticed I was having trouble with Katie. Katie would not leave. She said that if we wouldn't take her to a local hotel that Glass Eye was staying at that she was just going to leave with him. WHAT?!?!?!

The hotel she wanted to go to is a local hotel, I don't remember the name of it...but it's even trashier than the bar we were at! Rose got really serious, she told Katie that she wasn't going to the hotel either way and that she was coming with us whether she liked it or not.

Katie threw a hissy fit in the middle of the bar. She started crying. Now, I've cried when I was drunk before...but NEVER over a dude, let alone one with a glass eye! She started saying how he was a really nice guy and that she really liked him and that nothing would happen. It took me, Rose and another girl to pull Katie away from Glass Eye that evening. Needless to say there were a lot of jokes about guys with glass eyes following this incident.

Oh and did I mention that Katie when she gets drunk does this thing while shes talking? Well, Katie when drunk talking begins to move her lower jaw from side to side, while moving it up and down. She looks like a cow chewing! So just imagine Katie, the Cowardly Lion who talks like a chewing cow and Glass Eye. Wouldn't their babies have been pretty?!?! Haha.

Don't worry...there will be more stories about Cheers...a lot happened there!

<3,
Jill

Honey, I'm home!

Sam called me this morning and told me the best story I've heard all week. And yes, although we've been major slackers, this will be a *FUF* post.

Sam is currently living with his parents due to financial issues from a divorce (I was a dirty mistress, sort of. They were in the process of getting divorced when we started dating). His family has remodeled the basement and made a couple bedrooms and a tv room out of it. His cousin also lives with them. There is an entrance to the basement around the back of the house. This is normally left unlocked (Sam & his cousin have lost their keys).

He heard strange noises last night. He looked around and thought it was his cousin coming in from her boyfriend's house and she had turned on a tv. Then he heard someone calling his name. He looked up and there was a man standing in his bedroom (who had obviously come in through the unlocked basement). He realized who it was; it was his friend Mark. Mark works for Sam's step-father and he thought that maybe he had come to help his step-father do some things around the house. Then Sam looked at the clock and realized it was 4 in the morning.

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing here at 4 in the morning?"
"Dude, I need a ride home and quick."
"What? What the hell is going on?"
"I'll tell you in the car, just come on."

Sam and Mark get in the car. Mark proceeds to tell him his FUF story of the night:

Mark had gone to Country Bar which is a club/bar type thing in Big Town. He then ends up absolutely smashed and starts talking to a girl. I guess there was some sort of chemistry because ol' girl decided to take Mark home. They get to her house and they start making some sweet, sweet lovin'.

Mark hears a door open and a man say "Honey, I'm home." Ol' girl was MARRIED and brought a man home while her husband was at work! Needless to say, Mark flips out. He scrambles to put on his pants, shoes & sweatshirt on (leaving his t shirt, boxers & socks behind) and gets out of the house. (I'm not sure if he goes out a door or what, but I assume the husband didn't see him).

He gets a good look at his surroundings and realizes he's about 5 miles from Sam's house. Fearing for his life he runs the entire way to get a ride home. He took the path of least resistance and ran through horse farms, people's yards, woods, etc.

Yes, I'm still laughing about it. Here are the reasons:
1. Who says "Honey I'm home" these days?
2. He went to Country Bar and wore a sweatshirt? I'm kind of surprised they let him in.
3. He left his socks, boxers & shirt behind. Like she can cover that one up. I see the conversation now "Whose boxers are these?" "Honey these are YOUR boxers." "BULLSHIT. I don't wear that brand!"
4. He ran 5 miles. 5 MILES to safety. I would have hidden behind a bush and called Jill to come get me. Fuck all that running.
5. Can we just talk about how he had to run through a horse farm? I'm telling you, he passed through some rough terrain.
6. I like to think he jumped out of a window. That is how it happened in my mind. I hope I'm right.

All I wanted to do was get FUF'ed!

After Rose and I graduated from college I pretty much lived at her parents' house. I was there everyday, and spent the night most nights...I even had a blow up mattress on Rose's floor. Anyway, one night after a long day of doing something we decided it would be a genius idea to drink heavily. A trip to the local liquor store was in order.

For some reason whenever I enter that particular liquor store, my beverage of choice usually ends up being whiskey. I walked out of the liquor store with my fifth of whiskey, Rose had enough beer for 6 people.

To get the party started Jay (Rose's brother-in-law) decided that we should play a game of Kings. I hadn't played that drinking game in a while, so I agreed...soon everyone was in. Three games later and all of us were schnockered.

Sam was so drunk he was smoking cigarettes (which he only does if he is obliterated). B (Rose's sister, Jay's wife) became the funniest person ever and the rest of the crew were just trying to figure out all the damn rules for Kings.

We took a short break for shots of whiskey...Or I took a short break for shots of whiskey. And of course being the kind person I am, I wanted other people to take some shots with me. So, Sam and T (Rose's younger brother) come over. They each had two shots, but it may as well had been 10 because they hated the taste so much!

We resumed our game and were having a great time. During the game, B said something which made Sam bust out into laughter, he spit beer everywhere. Then he ran out the door. We (being trashed) thought maybe he was just pissed that he spit beer everywhere and that alcohol had been wasted. Though, when Rose went to check on him...she quickly found out that he had puked all over the place! He came back in blaming me, saying that it was the whiskey that made him puke. Whatever...

T walked into the main house, stood there for a minute then looked at Rose and said "Open the door." She just kind of looked at him with a blank stare. Next thing we knew he was flying out the door trying to project his vomit over the railing. Yuck.

This is where things begin to get really interesting. The drinking part of the night was over...on to more important things...like sex.

Being the perennially single girl, my friends are always trying to hook me up with someone. Rose had Sam, and B had Jay... All I wanted was some lovin'.

Rose and Sam decide that it is a good idea that me and T (Rose's younger brother who had just turned 18...I was 22 at the time) needed to do the hibbity dibbity. I think this was just so they could have some "alone time"...if you know what I mean. Sam plants the idea into T's head. He goes for it!

I must digress for a minute...Rose if you are reading this I apologize in advance...ROSE'S BROTHER IS F'N HOTT!! Like there has never been a girl that I know of who has thought anything different.

So T comes into the room I was sleeping, he lays on the floor for a bit...then talks me into coming to his room. Anyway, the activities begin...soon we hear a voice downstairs. "T, what the fuck are you doing walking around at this time of night? You're shaking the whole damn house!" You see, his bed creaked too much so we moved to the floor (he had rug-burn for weeks). This turned out to be a horrible idea because Rose's parents room was below T's room. We had woken up the parents!!

That's where things get fuzzy. I remember scrambling to find my clothes, sneaking back into Rose's room, then somehow I ended up in another bed with T again!

I'll spare you of the graphic details, but let's just say we finished the deed...and it was good, or at least I enjoyed it.

And that is the story of how I ended up sleeping with Rose's younger brother, who was barely legal and rather attractive.



<3,>

Jill

Remember that one time?? Oh, FUF.

This is a story that very few people know about. Mostly because it's embarrassing. I couldn't think of a good FUF topic and Jill reminded me of it.

When we were in college a group of us would go out. A lot. Our favorite night of the week was Thirsty Thursday at a bar in Big Town. 8 dollars for all you can drink, who can beat that right? We turned this into the "8 Dollar Challenge" which mostly meant "See how much you can drink before you puke." Most of the time we were good at holding down massive amounts of booze; other times not so much. This is one of those not so much stories.

We ALWAYS started off the night with beer pong. We were always among the first to arrive (we'd get there around nine. We took our 8 dollar challenge very seriously). Once we got in we would make a beeline to the bar to get our first drink of the night (mine was normally rum & diet) then ask for a pitcher of beer & cups for beer pong.

That's when I spotted him. Hello, there. I'm not really sure how (I was obviously intoxicated) but we started chatting and flirting. The end of the night came and my DD had arrived so I had to leave.

This flirting and chatting went on for several Thursday nights. Then one night he kissed me (or did I kiss him? Things are hazy). Well, things were getting hot so we went out to his car and started to hook up. As soon as his pants were coming down I puked. All over his pants (I think), all over his truck. It was classy, let me just tell you. I'll also tell you that I never talked to him again. I'd avoid him like the plague at the bar.

Somehow Jill knew to come rescue me (probably because she watched me stumble and sway out of the bar with him). She sat me down on the curb and we waited for our DD. She was laughing, I was crying out of utter humiliation. However, good things come with this story… Our good friend R stole a nice fleece jacket out of his car & Jill got to laugh (probably until she puked.)

Jill will bust out at random times, "Hey, Rose. Remember when you puked on that guy’s dick?" All I can do is laugh. Because, well, what else can I do about it?

<3,
Rose

I now present FUF

After reading Christina & Courtney's idea for theme post days; we came up with our own.

We now present to you: Tales of FUF (or Fucked Up Fridays). We came up with the name back in the good ol' days of college. Every Friday when Jill & I would get off work we would go crazy (Not that we didn't every other night of the week, Friday was just the craziest night of the week). We caught onto our trend of binge partying and decided to start calling our favorite day of the week "Fucked Up Friday" or FUF when we were around others

Sit back, relax and have a drink (or as with FUF tradition, 10) while I share a story of the worst night of my life.

It was my junior year in college. After each semester, there would be a blow out DRUNKFEST party at a local bar. I wasn't 21 yet, but they did let minors in. This called for pre-gaming. Lots and lots of pre-gaming. I decided an early dinner of drinks only would be a good place to start. I knew several waiters around town so this wasn't a problem. I had decided I would have a tequila night (What the fuck was I thinking?). I started off with SEVERAL tequila sunrises. Not so bad. We got back to our dorm room and I mixed a margarita. I was nice and toasted by this point. Good call (or so I thought) since I wouldn't be able to drink at the bar

Well, fast forward to the bar. My Big in the sorority somehow managed to get me the sacred 21 & up bracelet. (I had put lotion on my hands before they gave the X of death so it could quickly be wiped away).

So I drank. A lot. Of shots (I'd say at least 10). I was guzzling drinks like it was my 21st birthday. I was mixing liquors. I didn't care what I had to drink. I was doing shots of Washington Apple (which I thought was called a Werthington Apple), Tequila, Whiskey. You have a shot called "Fucked Up?" GIVE IT TO ME NOW! You name it, I consumed it. You know what comes next.... I staggered to the bathroom and let the liquid contents of my tum go. I guess I was ready for a puking rally that night, because one I left that bathroom, I was ready for round 10 through 20 of shots.

I don't remember much after that, so this is all from the mouth of Jill. My friend, we'll call her M, had to carry me out of the bar at approximately 12-1 am. I puked on her leg and when I pointed it out (um, in case she missed the heaving sound and liquid seeping through her jeans) she casually said "they're your jeans, it doesn't matter." They ended up in my laundry. I just threw them away.

Well, Jill gets me into the bathroom in our dorm so I could continue the rally. I asked for a bottle of water and she returned with one and as soon as I took a sip, it sprayed out of my mouth. I had filled up an empty bottle of water with rum. Not what you want to have in the middle of a rally.

I do remember this. I looked at Jill and said "I can't see. I need my glasses." Jill was all "You don't need your glasses,you moron. You're just plowed." And I was all, "No way. I'm BLIND!" Well, she gave me my glasses. I put them on and realized I still couldn't see, got pissed & threw them against the wall. Shattered. That was fun explaining to Mom & Dad.

That was the first & last time tequila has ever been in my body.

<3,
IDK, my BFF Rose?