The Iliad: Ted Edition

NOTE* This story actually occurred about three to four weeks ago.

God love him because I know his genes are responsible for my blonde hair (which is a vision if I do say so myself) and ability to be over-dramatic but my dad is too much for me to handle sometimes. Not only does dear ol' dad (to whom I affectionately call 'Ted' on a regular basis but only behind his back because he'd get piiissssed if I did it to his face) send me 'fun' emails in which he writes the way the cool hip kids (of age 13) would speak (i.e. Wadda ya up to? Well I'ma jus' sittin' here thinkin' about what're we gunnah have fur dinner...etc). But one of the things he does that kills me the most is his recounting of an event (he is severely lacking in skillzzz in this department). You see, Ted tells stories like they're the soap opera version of The Iliad: overly dramatic and entirely too long. Not only that, but he also has to retell them AT LEAST fifteen times and if all fifteen times are to the exact same person then so be-it. Take tonight's story for instance:

Ted: So Jack from across the street came over today.

(pause here for look of shock and awe...and dramatic effect)

Me: Okay.

Ted: APPARently (yes over emphasize the first half of the word) someone broke in so he was asking if we'd seen anything suspicious around their house lately.

Me: Oh. Well that's unfortunate...

Ted: sooo...(pause here for about a minute and a half -seriously) he said it's the THIRD break-in they've had...they stole a big wide-screen TV not even out of the box yet.

Me: I see...

(Pause here for another minute and a half to two minutes)

Ted: So if you leave the house...make sure you put the alarm on and everything.

Me (thinking): Like I've done since we got the alarm system when I was in. ooohhh sayyy 3rd grade? Side note* I'm 23 now with two undergraduate degree...

Me (actually said): ...Will do Pops...

So not only did I have to sit through this, and I shit you not when I say this, 25 minute ordeal, I had to listen to it ALL OVER AGAIN when my mom called from San Francisco to check in from her business meeting. There goes 50 minutes of my life I will never get back. *sigh*

Fucktard drivers piss me off.

Alright. Here is the first entry I ever wrote for the blog I never had as briefly referenced in my introductory post. It might be a little rough but I feel like I've gone over it a million times trying to make it as good as possible for you folks at home! (Basically go easy on a girl...I'm a [blog] virgin...touched for the very first time?)


Bad drivers really piss me off. Why is it that no one knows how to drive anymore? It used to be only when in-climate weather hit or one was in Ohio and now it's as if all hell broke loose...on the interstate/by-pass/regular street in the suburbs where people are just trying to raise their toddlers. At least three different incidents happened to me on my way home from work at the Fuckit Mall this afternoon all of which pissed me off causing lots of honking, cursing, flipping off, my blood-pressure to raise, etc.

Is it too much to ask that you choose ONE of the two lanes available for vehicles going in your direction to drive in? Yes. I get it you have a huge ass truck. (I feel as though a little penis joke is too easy here yes? Um no.) Quit compensating for how little your fucking dick is. However, Evelyn and I do not take up too much room and would only like to get past you because we just want to get home and at this point you've been unabashedly straddling the line for about ten miles (ok probably more like point five) and we're worried you might be drunk. Just because it's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE ELSE does not mean you can take advantage of this fact at 10am HERE and then drive somewhere. Choose a fucking lane you ignorant redneck fucktard.

If your in a TURN LANE how about actually TURNING instead of proceeding to go straight through the intersection almost sending not only me but those surrounding me to our most imminent death?...dickhole...Didn't mean to get into the turn lane? That's ok. It happens to me all the time. Do I wait for the light to turn green so I can put the pedal to the metal and cut off those who were smart/coherent enough to get into the correct lane? Absolutely not. Just make the fucking turn and pull a three point switcheroo (somewhere SAFE like someone's driveway OR you could even pull one of those handy things we call a U-turn or circle around the parking lot the possibilities are endless) and pull back out onto the road you meant to stay on at the appropriate time (i.e. at a green light with a protected arrow).

Lastly, lord knows I'm guilty of using a cell phone whilst in the driver's seat but before you go and get all 'but I've been in the car while you drove and used your cell phone simultaneously' on me at least I don't look directly DOWN at my cell phone while I'm using it. DOWN, as in eyes are not on the road, i could admire how clean and white and pristine I've kept my 6 month old K Swisses (sidenote* does anyone wear those anymore?), DOWN. I understand that your (probably guido) boyfriend needs reassurance (yet again) that he is the most jacked/ most gelled/ is more situation-y than Mike "The Situation" guy there is out there, but really, at least hold it above the steering wheel out in front of your fucking face so at least your peripherals will (maybe) catch if you begin to veer into oncoming traffic. Further more, I've navigated my phone enough to be able to manipulate what I want from it without needing to look at all the buttons all the time (like hitting the send button).
Perhaps everyone should be forced to retake drivers ed. If you're a competent driver (like myself...most of the time...I'm not claiming perfection here) than you should have nothing to worry about. However, if you are a ride-the-center-lane-er/proceed-to-drive-straight-in-a-turn-lane-go-er/ drive-and-text-while-looking-down-er/ from Ohio sign up for a class near you. On second thought do the rest of us a favor, stop being a fucktard and go ahead and turn your license in now and take the mass transit system.

Winifred

That's WINIFRED...not Winfrey as in Oprah...

Ahhhh soooo long time reader first time blogger, Winifred, here...actually that issss a blatant...lie...I used to read the ol' blog but then pesky things like school and bills and drinking got ranked higher on the totem pole. It is my first time blogging though. It all started a few weeks ago when I was on my way home from my job at what I like to refer to as The Fuckit Mall. Really. That place blows the biggest dick I've never even seen. I hate it. On a daily basis it sucks out what little of a soul I was able to grow back overnight. ANYWAY. I was on my way home and Evelyn (my car) and I were putzing along jamming to some great tunes when HOE-rendous driver after HOE-rendous driver continued to offend me with their driving skills (or lack there of as the case may be). So once I finally made it home after multiple flips of the bird, honks, near-death experiences, etc I decided I was fired up enough to make a blog entry about it...for the blog I DON'T HAVE!!! There I said it. I'm pathetic enough to write blog entries for a blog that doesn't exist. Well maybe one day I would have one. One of my very own! One that I could decorate anyway I wanted to! What? Oh...blogging...right. So needless to say I spoke with Rose about coming (heh heh coming...as in cumming? haahahaha yup that's right i giggle at what one might call 'delightfully inappropriate' things? See what I did there?!) AAANNNYYYYWWAAAAYYYYY...Sister Rose told me to write an introductory post so here it is. And you can look forward to more cursing, inappropriate sex jokes, complaining about pointless things I actually do myself, etc.

Winifred

stupid broken organ.

Wow. I can't believe it has been almost a month since I've written! Exactly 5 days after my last post (which would have been November 17th), I had an emergency appendectomy (which would be why it's taken so long to write again!).

I was sick for 6 weeks. (yes, six very long, very excruciating weeks!). I had bronchitis, I had a sinus infection, I was throwing up for no reason, I had a cough and was literally turning into a snotface! The three days before I had surgery I threw up everything I tried to eat.

On Tuesday morning (November 17th), my Mom told me that I looked ghostly pale and suggested that I stay home from work. I looked at her and said "Mom, I've been sick for six solid weeks. Nothing is going to change today; I may as well go to work."

So off I went.

At work I joked around with a friend how I felt like I wasn't really sick but I was being poisoned slowly by someone I knew (I was watching Nip/Tuck the night before!), I just needed to figure out who was poisoning me and for what reason!

Around 10 that morning my stomachache started migrating toward my right side. I just knew it was either my period or appendicitis. Around noon the pain started increasing so I decided it would probably be best to leave for the day.

In the 20 minute drive from work to my Dad's office (I wanted to talk to my Mom) the pain amplified. I could barely get out of the car and couldn't stand upright. As soon as I saw my mom I burst into tears and said "Something is very wrong." She called the doctor and they set up an appointment for 3:30. I tried to sleep in my Dad's office while waiting the three hours until it was time to see the doctor. Around 3 I couldn't take the pain anymore and told Mom that I needed to go immediately. Every bump in the car sent radiating pain through my side.

The doctor took me right on back. I explained to him the pain I was having in my side and he examined me. When he touched my side I almost punched him in the face it hurt so bad. He said he thought it was the appendix & that I needed to go to the hospital for further testing. Before I left his office he gave me a shot of some sort of heaven. Took all the pain away for about an hour.

I got checked into the hospital around 4 and had a CT (probably 5ish...I had to drink that chalk crap). While waiting for the results to come back from the CT, my doctor came in and prescribed morphine for me as the meds from his office had worn off. As soon as the nurse gave me my dose of it, I felt a burning sensation in my throat and I could see a rash developing on my arm. My Mom said my eyes rolled back in my head and I plopped my head back on the pillow... I'm obviously allergic to Morphine! Doc was still nearby so he was able to give me a huge dose of benedryl and *voila* I was good again. However, after that I was only allowed Demerol!

The results came back around an hour after the CT scan. I was on the operating table less than half an hour after that. Luckily, my appendix hadn't ruptured but it was close; the doctor sent home pictures and you can see where it was bulging out. I am so lucky I went to the doctor when I did! The doctor was able to do it laproscopically and I ended up with an inch long scar under my boobs and a small one on my panty line and right under my belly button. Not so bad!

I ended up having 2 weeks off work. (Thank you, Thanksgiving for giving me a couple extra days off!) After two years of employment (which for me was about 2 weeks before my appendix went bust), we get 6 weeks paid time off for emergencies which was amazing since I didn't have enough sick time to cover the entire absence! It also looks like I will only have about $2,500 worth of medical bills too (which seems like a lot, but the surgery alone was $17,000).

It all happened so fast... less than 12 hours from the start of the pain until surgery! So yeah, I'm back and better than ever!

This post is already long enough, so I'll have part 2 coming up soon.... The surgeon who didn't want to do my surgery & the recovery nurse from hell are up next!!

Appendix free is the way to be!
Rose

the un-tag

Tonight I finally did it: I deleted and untagged all the Sam & Rose pictures on facebook. It took for.ev.er. (I removed him as my friend months ago when it was still to hard to see skanks posting pictures with him & writing on his wall)

I have no feelings for him at this point. We can't be friends. Since I ended it, I find him to be a pompous and arrogant asshole. When hearts are broken, people change. He changed...and in my opinion not for the better (but does that even matter? no.) Some people are able to walk away from relationships with knowledge they didn't previously have & others, well they don't.

Things I learned:
-I learned that letting your boyfriend buy you a yorkie after dating for 3 months is not a good idea; the dog will be the one caught in the middle.
-I learned that divorcees = disaster (at least for me!)
-I learned to NEVER change myself for the person I'm dating, it will only bite me in the ass later.
-I learned the qualities I need in a relationship (and the ones I don't want!).
-I learned to still schedule times to be with my friends; I'll regret it when we've grown apart.
-I learned to go into relationships with eyes wide open.
-I learned that I am lovable.
-I learned that my family and friends do know me better than I think and I should value and listen to their opinions.
-I learned to rely on other people
-I learned it's way more fun to roadtrip with a best friend to a wedding than to go with a boyfriend (Holla, Jill!)
-I learned that heavily medicating myself does work, but only for a short amount of time...sooner or later I'll have to deal.
-I learned that it is possible to start life over.

Looking back, I think I always knew it wouldn't work. I wouldn't change it though. If nothing else, it was one helluva learning experience.

xoxo,
Rose

quarter-life crisis

I'm fairly certain that I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. A lot of little things have been accumulating for quite some time now (honestly, it's nothing worth posting about!). I came across this writing last night & liked it... I think it does a pretty good job at explaining everything. I hope everyone has a splendid weekend!
-R

The Quarter-Life Crisis
By: Unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd & start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

hey, pretty lady. won't you give me a sign?

So, I have John on the back burner and I kind of like it that way. I'm the one holding the cards (well, I'm ALWAYS the one holding the cards). I know he'll jump at the chance to have me again.

This is our text convo from Friday night.
John: I just took a picture with some children for Halloween that are dressed up like me. That makes me a hero! (John works at UPS)
Rose: Can I see your package again?
J: Anytime, lady!
R: How's tonight? (I had zero intention of seeing him that night. I was with Jill & our friend Luke)
J: Seriously? I can't tonight; I already have plans. Do you want to go out with us or maybe we can hang out tomorrow?
R: Eh, maybe another time

---Fast forward to Sunday---
Luke, my mom & I frequent an auction house almost every Sunday. We check out the men, buy some antiques and just have a lazy afternoon. It's a great way to end the weekend. Luke and I are sitting in the first row just jabbering about nothing important with my sister (who occasionally comes too).

This was our conversation:

Luke (pointing to the door): Oh my God. That guy is fucking hot.
I look to my right and who do I see? John. FML.
Rose: "Holy Fuck, L. That's John!"
Luke: "Jesus, he is beautiful, Rose! Is he the one you slept with? Why aren't you sleeping with him right now?"
R: "Shut the fuck up, L. My sister doesn't know I slept with him. The sex is mediocre, remember the conversation we had about it on Friday? Ok, shhhh now."
L: "Well, if you don't want to fuck him, I will."
R: "I hate you."
...Meanwhile....
Sister: "Rose! There's John! Go talk to him!!! You all are so darling together."
R: "Sis, shut up. There isn't anything there."
S: "Um, I'm fairly certain there is."
R: "Nope. Nothing. We don't even have a single thing to talk about."
S: "You love him. I know it."
(Cue Rose's exit to the bathroom)

Side Note: The reason my sister doesn't know we've slept together is because she's all "You love him. You all are soul mates. You've always loved him. You'll get married, I just know it. He worked an entire summer to get a limo to take you to prom. Don't you remember how much fun we all used to have in high school?? " When I explain to her that we have nothing to talk about she still thinks it will happen. She doesn't seem to get it that it was 10 years ago. People change a lot in 10 years. It's annoying and I don't want to tell her that we have a purely sexual relationship. That will open up the floor for a major lecture. ...but I digress.

First of all, I never run into him in public. Ever. I only see him when I want. Second of all, it's a wee bit awkward to see him outside of the bedroom. I intentionally didn't go talk to him (I hold the cards, remember?). We sent a couple text messages back & forth while he was there.

But at least I know that if it gets bad enough I can always call him. I just want to use that as my last option because I'd rather not have sex than have mediocre sex.

...maybe I'll send him a good morning text right now. Maybe not. :)

Ex's & Oh's,
Rose

<3

I fell in love with Damien Rice when I first heard him in 2003.

It reminds me of my freshman year of college. My roommate, the girl next door and I would hang out the window of our third floor dorm room and spit sunflower seeds (classy, no?) while gossiping & listening to Damien Rice.

We actually got to see him perform in Cincinnati that year on Easter. It was amazing.

I was feeling a bit nostalgic and decided to youtube some of his videos. I came across this video (one I've never seen) and fell in love. It's an amazing version of one of my favorite Damien Rice songs and I adore the way it's filmed. I figured I would share

<3,
Rose.

I need ooh la la la la

I just spent an obscene amount of time looking at sexinfo101 sex positions on my phone. When I should have been working.

I haven't had sex in a hot minute. Like I think the last time was beginning of August, maybe earlier. I'm going with beginning of August so I'm not AS depressed about this as I could be. This is the longest I've ever gone without any type of ANYTHING. I haven't even kissed anyone.

Plus, my vibrator went ka-put. I'm not kidding. So I bought 2 more (see #11) because I knew they wouldn't compare. They don't, of course.

All i know is that 3 months is a very. fucking. long. time.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. Or my body. Because all I think about is sex...

Does this make me a masochist?! ...Or am I just thinking like a man?
Rose

P.S. This song is just sex.

Fall

I always have mixed feelings on the season. I love summer, I hate winter. Spring is what leads into summer so it's okay in my book. But fall leads to winter. Bleh.

I love the colors of fall. The deep oranges, maroons, reds, yellows & browns. I love the smell of the first fire being lit in a home. I love that I get to pull out my sweaters, cardigans, hoodies, boots, mittens & scarves. I get to enjoy hot chocolate, football games and jumping into piles of leaves. I love the crisp mornings of the first frosts. I always look forward to carving pumpkins (I once carved Shakespeare!) Vanilla chai lattes and bowls of chili help round out this season. Oh, and can't forget Halloween & Thanksgiving, too.

The movie American Beauty has a line that explains exactly how I feel right now...

"...but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

Here are some pictures of Kentucky in the fall. They aren't wonderful as I took them with my phone. The colors of fall are magnificent.



<3,
Rose

Sitting there...waiting...take me on back...

Rose is currently sitting in our gynocologist's waiting room...yes we have the same gyno...
To ease some of her pre-"spread your legs as wide as possible" jitters Rose took a swig of some pretty intense cough medicine. I also decided that I should take a swig of my intense cough medicine as well (we both had the flu last week)...We have been text messaging for the past 30 minutes...

Jill: What does a 400 lb woman and a cement block have in common? Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican (disclaimer: I have no problem with 400 lb. women, or mexicans...keep in mind I'm just trying to ease Rose's nerves...)
Rose: Haaaaahahaaaaa.
Jill: How do they differ? When you lay a cement block it doesn't follow you around for the next month.
Rose: I am sitting by a huuuuuuuuuuuuge white bitch right now. I think she *could* be hiding a baby under all her lovin'.
Jill: Or she could be baking a turkey in that oven.
Rose: Hahaha. I am so fucked up right now. You are crackin' me up.
Rose: or she could be skinny like a snake. But she just ate a pug so she's big in the middle.
Jill: It's definitely possible. You should look her in the eyes or get her to stick out her tongue.
Rose: No, she's got a sketch pot with her who probably wants to do dirty things with me. I can't be tempting him with all this sexiness.
Jill: Ha. Is he mexican?
Rose: No. I think he may look like an uglier and more poor Patrick Swayze...but I am took scared to really look.
Rose: I'm trying not to cough because there was a sign that said if you have a cough, wear a mask. I am not about that. I reeealy need to cough though. Fuck. My. Life.
Rose: P.S. I am glad you make yourself available to talk to me while I sit here. It really helps when people reply.
Jill: I'm your bitch...haha. You talked to me via text the entire time I was getting the IUD implanted.
Rose: Yeah. That made my vag hurt thinking about it.
Jill: Geeze. You can totally tell our gyno is a female. A man would jump at the opportunity to have a woman go all spread eagle in the stirrups...there would never be a wait.
Rose: I don't want a man Dr...if a man is poking around in the downtown train station it better be with his pody parts...Not stirrups.
Jill: Let's hope the train conductor is sexy.
Rose: No kidding.
Rose: Dude, our Doctor is a female.
Rose: Ohhh. I just got that. Laksjodifuaosfahahaha.
Rose: Patrick is sitting next to the woman now. He has his head in his hand staring at her. He may as well have hearts coming out of his eyes. Woof.
Rose: Okay. My appointment was 10 minutes ago. Don't they know cough syrup has a life span?
Rose: Jesus Christ. I swear touching God's face...they are having a tickle fight. Now his legs are on her. WTF? I am so sicked out right now. SHe just asked if they could get a mani/pedi after.
*Rose then sent me a picture of the man walking away, except I couldn't make out anything but a purse.*
Rose: The receptionist just asked me if I had an appointment. Pretty sure I don't normally sit in the gyno office for shits and grins. Plus, I signed in. And gave her my new insurance card.
Jill: Stupid bitch.
Rose. I would be so pissed off it I didn't. I would strip down and be like "I am not wasting good drugs. Examine me." She just checked...I do have an appointment.
Jill: Goooood.
Jill: While we are talking about the downtown train station...we are invited to a Fun Party!!!
Rose: Dude. I just asked the bald nurse if I could use the bathroom and she said "Make the bladder gladder!"
Jill: Was it the gray headed, weird one? You should have said, "Makes the floor wetter if you don't show me where the bathroom is." I apparently have pent up anger and aggression today.
Rose: I couldn't think of anything except balding.
Jill: It is now 45 minutes past appointment time.
Rose: I have anxiety.
Jill: Just think it will all be over in 30 minutes.
Rose: My insurance changed. Fucking $50 co-pay.
Jill: Dude, that sucks.
Rose: Blood test and exam done. I am peacing the fuck out of here.
Jill: WHOO!!!!!


Rose and I thought you all might get a laugh out of this normal conversation between us....hope you enjoyed.

Happy Monday to you all.
<3,
Rose and Jill

worth the wait.

Obviously I couldn't come up with something legit to write about yesterday. Waiting until today was a brilliant idea. I have a decent (if strange) topic to blog about.

I needed to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart (why, oh why is Target so far away?!) last night. Apparently I should have just gone to Target during my lunch break because my local store is apparently where all the creep status people hang out at night.

I went in on a mission. Yoga blocks. I grabbed my yoga blocks and several Naked smoothies (um, my absolute FAVORITE!) for the week. I went to the check out and of course all of the quick lanes were closed. I headed to one of the shorter check out lanes and got in line.

There were two people ahead of me, a woman with bleached blonde hair (dark roots, of course) with a shit ton of groceries and a ginger man with groceries as well. I was about to drop the smoothies (I had 2 of the big ones and 3 small ones and no basket) so when the ginger directly in front of me moved up a bit, I sat my drinks on the conveyor.

Apparently to him that meant I wanted to strike up a conversation.

He looked at what I was buying and started talking to me about the drinks. I immediately new this kid was weird. And quite possibly gay (I was relieved when he started talking and I knew he wasn't going to hit on me or ask for my number).

He told me he didn't like one of the flavors I was buying. He went on to tell me about another type of smoothie available that I should try. Blah, blah, blah. I avoided eye contact because he was starting to creep me out. No one should talk THAT much about a smoothie. I mean, I can deal with a short friendly conversation in the line at the supermarket if need be, but I prefer not to talk to anyone.

Finally he stopped talking. I engrossed myself with the gum hoping he would not feel the urge to strike up conversation round two.

I would say 30 seconds went by in silence.

Then he looked at me and said...

"Do you like pickles?"

I know I had the "what the fuck are you talking about?" look on my face. There are not pickles in smoothies. I looked around to see what he was talking about. I then saw that he had pickles in with his groceries, but he had quite a few groceries. It's not like he was just buying a a jar of pickles. I feel like the question came out of left field.

Words failed me. I couldn't come up with a good come back. I couldn't come up with anything. I didn't want to say yes because I didn't want to find out why he was asking. I just said "No." End of conversation.

He took forever to grab his bags. I immediately called Jill because I honestly felt like this guy was going to try and walk me to my car or something.

I'm still flabbergasted by the question. I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out why in the hell you would ask a stranger if they like pickles... Maybe he was going to give me a recipe?

I just don't get it.

What's the dill, pickle?
Rose.

blogging fail.

I've been sitting at my desk trying to figure out what topic I would like to write about today.

I have so many different ideas swirling around in my head (including, but not limited to: sex, Kings of Leon concert, dating (or lack thereof), sex, jail, back packing through Europe in April, sex, needing a change, having my anchor removed, sex).

I've started several different entries but haven't written more than a couple sentences for each.

The words aren't coming out the way I would like them to today.

I'll try again. If something magical happens today, I'll post it.

-Rose

P.S. I think everyone should see "Where the Wild Things Are"

Anchors Away!

There was some interest in my chest piercing. It can either be called a microdermal or anchor. This isn't going to be the best blog post ever; mainly just explaining it.

You can stay tuned for an awesome post about our Kings of Leon concert night

I've always dug anchors. I think they are totally bad ass. I've always heard that they were permanent, meaning once it's in, it's in for life. Seeing I have no tattoos or anything permanent on my body this of course freaked me the fuck out.

My sister has recently lost a ton of weight and wanted to get her hips pierced. Being a bit of a piercing pro, she asked me to go with her. She originally wanted surface piercings which have a really high rejection rate (about 80%). After talking to our piercer she explained that if an anchor is done correctly, it has a rejection rate of about 2-3%. She also told us that although we can't take the piece out ourselves, we can always come back to the shop where she can remove it. Semi-permanent .... Sounds perfect! She showed us her scar from where she had one (seriously, it looked like a tiny pimple).

She then showed us the jewelry. Below is a picture that shows what an anchor looks like and how it goes into your skin. you can see where the screw actually sits flush to your skin and your stud of choice screws in (we both chose diamonds). The holes (in the top) are for your skin to grow through to secure the anchor and the anchor actually only goes about 2mm under your skin.

My sister went first and winced. She screamed. She squeezed my hand until I thought I was going to cry. She then offered to pay for me to get mine done (which was about $75). I just chose a place I wanted and did it. Live fast, die young..right?

First the piercer pinched my skin over and over to loosen it up. It actually kind of hurt where I had it done because there isn't much skin there. The piercer pierced a hole in my skin (I didn't watch so I'm not sure if she did a dermal punch or with a needle).

As you can see, the the entrance hole and the back and front don't exactly line up. The piercer had to push and pry the anchor down to make sure it was in the correct position. It seriously hurt like a motherfucker. As soon as it was in place, I stood up and had a look.

It only hurt for the first 2 days maybe. It feels fine now and I can touch it (although I avoid doing that at all cost!) I've had it for 2 weeks today. In another 4 I can get the top diamond screw changed (there are colored gems and all that). Although in my opinion it hurt more than a normal piercing, the quick healing time is much worth it.

I actually wished I had chosen to move it up a little higher on my chest. TMI, but my boobs kind of squish together and put pressure on it when I sleep and irritate it a bit and I think it's moved it's placement. Also, depending on the bra I wear, it's placement is different. I sometimes have to adjust my boobs to make the piercing in the middle. I do like that it is hideable though, I actually have my shirt pulled down a bit in all of the pictures.

I like it. I'm not in love with it. I think I would be in love with it if it were a tad bit higher... I think it's cool and I don't know anyone else who has it.

So here are some pictures I know you all want to see. Forgive me for the quality (they were taken with my camera phone), for the inconsistency of the pictures (it's kind of hard to take multiple pictures of your boobs from the exact same angle!) and wearing the same necklace 2 times (but I just LOVE it)

This is right after it was implanted. Note how red my skin is around it from all of the pinching.
I know you've seen this picture, but this is what it looked like during week 1:

This was earlier this week. Maybe Monday?
Today: Sorry it's hard to see, I took this in the bathroom at work!

So yeah. Those are my boobs & that's my anchor. I'll let you all know when I decide to remove it!


-Rose

long time, no blog.

Hello Everyone. Yes, I've been a slacker. Yes, my "Summer Slump" is over. Well, I've said that before but this time I'm actually going to stick with it. I know I'm a shitty blogger and a shitty commenter. Even if I don't comment, it does not mean I don't read your blog (I do! What else do you do at work?!). If we don't follow you and you follow us; let us know. We want to read about your lives too!

Anyway.

I've decided to give you the updated life via pictures from my phone. This could get interesting :)

I turned 24.I was given more presents than I deserved including the coach purse below (with matching clutch), a camera and tickets to see KINGS OF LEON tomorrow... from Jill!

I quit smoking. Bye, Bye Marlboro Menthol Lights. Today is day 30 of being cigarette smoke free, thanks to Chantix. My Mom offered to pay for the prescription (about $150 a month for at least 3 months)


I've done massive amounts of shopping. I've always been a bit obsessed with vintage things and shopping. I've found a couple cute vintage stores and an auction that has things for relatively cheap. Here are some of my buys!

Whale necklace bought off Etsy

Vintage ring made out of an earring. I've decided I can totally make these and I will FINALLY have a use for tons of inherited clip-on earrings!
I am slightly obsessed with this lamp. It's my new lover. You can't tell by the picture, but it's huge. Like half my body.

Wine Wednesday. A new tradition of getting plowed and cooking a decent meal on Wednesday nights. This started to get expensive, so we have decided to only have it once a month.

I got a Microdermal / Anchor. Between my boobs. You can see the picture below, it's not a great one but it shows the placement. If you all want to know the story, I'll tell it in a later blog.
Yeah, I have a ton of pictures. Most aren't appropriate. Some have my face in them; some are completely freaking random.

I'll give it an honest effort to continue blogging. I <3 you all and miss you!

Yours,
Rose.

Am I going to die?

Back a few months ago, I moved to Redneck City, KY. Of course, it's not really called Redneck City but probably should be. Anyway, my roommate and I have had our fair share of bonfires, camping trips and shooting guns in the past few months that we decided to change things up a bit. We went hiking.

Now, hiking I can do (or so I thought). I figured we would drive to some place in the Red River Gorge, park the car, get out and walk a bit then return. I figured wrong.

We end up going to Pilot's Knob. I had heard about Pilot's Knob in one of my Kentucky History classes during college but never really considered how one would get up there. I got out of the car, looked around and saw a trail going off to the left. It looked easy enough.

We start walking down the trail, talking, having a good time. Meg (my roommate) starts telling me about the last time she hiked up to Pilot's Knob. She's using phrases such as "I thought I was going to die" and "It was pure hell on Earth." So, I start asking questions...

First Question:

How far will we be walking?

Answer:

It's about a mile and half up and a mile and half down, but don't worry about the down part of it...you'll be sliding the entire way.

Second Question:

Sliding?

Answer:

Yes, sliding on your butt. It's faster and easier that way.

Third Question:

How far up are we going?

Answer:

All the way. To the peak of the hill.

**by hill, they actually meant mountain**

Fourth Question:

Am I going to die?

Answer:

No one answered.

We continue walking **and by walking I mean climbing** up this so called hill. I'm not lying when I say that it was straight up the entire way. Occasionally you would come across a ridge and be on flat ground for like 10 steps. Anyway, we get about 1/4 of the way up and my face is blood red and I'm out of breath. I stopped, looked around and decided that this trip was not for me. I considered walking back down. However, I continued.

I finally get up to the top after puking twice and wanting to die. Now, I have to say this...I'm allergic to onions and I had eaten something that had either touched or had onions in/on it that day. I maintain the stance that this is what caused me to puke.

It was absolutely gorgeous at the top. You could see both Lexington and Richmond, KY. We stayed up on the knob for about 15 minutes then started our descent.

We literally slid down on our butts the entire way down. My ass looked like I had shit myself about 15 times from all the mud on me. However, this was the most fun I've had in a long time. Imagine a 700 foot slide. It was great! Meg ripped open the back of her pants. She totally lost the pocket to her jeans!

If you all are around the KY area and like hiking I would definitely recommend visiting Pilot's Knob...just be prepared.

<3,>

Jill

First time in Over a Month...

Yeah, bet that got your attention...

This is the first time in over a month that I have even checked the blog. Our friend Mary reminded Rose and me that the summer blog-procrastination must end!

So, I see where Rose has done the "Expose Yourself" blog...However, since I got your hopes up with the title I figure I'll do the "Expose Yourself" blog as well (don't worry though, I've been storing up some inappropriate blogs for you all of which will be posted for your reading pleasure).

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

1. I have a stockpile of vibrators. Some of which I have never even used. I figure, when one goes out I'll always have a spare (or several).

2. I once met a guy on hotornot.com. I decided to meet him. I'm classy. Turns out he knows my entire family. Anyway, we met had a great time....then we started fucking. Three years later and I still talk to him on occasion. Actually this past Monday we hooked up again. One night I met him at a library in town where I told him he needed a "study break". This study break ended up with us going on a country drive to a church parking lot where I proceded to give him a blow job. We ended up having sex in the back of his car, in the church parking lot. This took place on a Wednesday night...they had a few church members lingering around the church after Wednesday night services. I'm that girl.

3. I really don't have a favorite position. I can tell you that anything from behind and anything with legs over shoulders is good. I can also tell you that car hoods are the perfect height for sex. I can also tell you that nipple play is way under-rated. Yeah, I went there. Seriously though, it intensfies orgasms.

I'm going to pass this on to anyone who hasn't done it already...

-Jill

*Expose Yourself*

I'm sure when Gina decided to tag us in the Expose Yourself thing she did it for two reasons.

1. She knew that one or both of us would do it (our blog isn't called Delightfully Inappropriate for nothing!)
2. She wanted us to get back to blogging!

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

I guess I should tell you who this is posting: Rose! If Jill wants to do it, she'll post a separate entry. Let's face it, we're huge slackers at blogging so you'll get two instead of one :)

1. I'm OBSESSED with this product called Liquid V for Women. The product claims to
"helps to stimulate and heighten the sensitivity in a woman's erogenous zone. This increases the rate of orgasms therefore making the moment one that can only be achieved with Liquid V." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever about all of that. All I know is when I dab a bit on my orgasms are better and quicker. I can't give a good enough review of this stuff. It may not work for everyone so I suggest getting a sample (there are little $4 samples which last quite a while at the check out counter of our Hustler)

2. I like it a bit rough. Push me around a little bit, bite me a little bit harder, slap my ass and pull my hair. I'm all yours if you do that.

3. I prefer missionary position. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it any which way, I don't really care... Missionary is just my favorite! How old school am I?

I hereby pass this award on to: ANYONE who feels brave enough to post it! Come on ladies, you know you want to!

The things you see...when you don't have a gun.

Back in May I moved to a new town. I have had a few odd experiences in the little town but none compare to what happened last night.

I was driving home from work, it's about a 45 minute drive...depending on traffic it can take an hour. Anyway, I had worked overtime and was leaving work around 6:30pm. I get into my car, turn on the music, roll down the windows and get on my way. The drive was much as it is every day. Smoking cigarettes, trying not to fall asleep...you know, the usual. I get into my small town and decide that because it was a pretty day I'd drive around in the country for a bit, just to see what I could see.

I pull up next to this old black barn, it's falling apart and you can see straight through the side of it into the adjoining field. At this point I think I'm seeing things anyway because of how tired I was...I look over at the barn and see some people standing at the back of it. Okay whatever...it's time to hang tobacco so it's normal to see people congregating around barns waiting for the trailer full of tobacco to get there so it can be hung. I didn't see any tobacco in the fields around me, but still thought nothing of it. I drove a little bit more, but turns out the road I was on dead ended at the Kentucky River. I had two choices...either drive through the river (not going to happen) or turn around.

This time around I got a better look at the people standing by the barn. They were definitely not there to hang tobacco. They had a bonfire going with some sort of large animal on the fire. I've seen people burn animals that have died on farms before, it happens all the time actually. These people were not in "farm clothing"...not at all. Each person had on black pants and white shirts, what looked to be button up shirts.

At that point I decided it was best for me to pick up my speed and act like I hadn't seen a thing...of course I had to write a blog on it.

I'm sure it was some cult ritual. Of course I'm going to have to drive down there again and do some snooping...let's just hope I can remember what road I turned down!!

Oh the things you see when you don't have a gun. Haha.

<3,
Jill

25 Inappropriate Things About Jill

I'm copying Rose on this one. I wanted to write something, but was having severe writer's block...so here it goes...25 Inappropriate Things About Me.

1. I have slept with over 25 people, in a matter of 5 years. It's only an average of 5 per year...However, the only guys I've slept with in the past two years are all repeats. Pretty much just cut that down to 25 guys in 3 years. Doesn't sound so good now huh?

2. I have 4 tattoos. My parents only know about two of them...

3. Some of you all will remember this from a previous post. Here it goes again...I slept with Rose's younger brother. He had just turned 18, I was 22.

4. I have one of the foulest mouths. I can drop "fuck" in a sentence 6 times without even noticing I'm doing it. I also really enjoy the words cunt and ass cobra.

5. I have had buttsex. Yes, I know Rose said this in hers...but not only have I done it once, I've done it 3 times. Not enjoyable at any point and time. I will not be doing this again. But hey, you've got to spice up the sex life somehow, right?

6. I tend to get tired of people quickly. So, when dating someone I usually end up going for the guys best friend. I have almost ruined several "bromances" due to this behavior. I'm not proud.

7. I have 5 vibrators. I only use one of them. It's rechargeable! It was also on sale for $60 from $150.

8. My word vomit is horrible. I have no verbal filter. I say what I think, at all times.

9. I think about sex more than a man. Seriously...sex, sex, sex.

10. I've been in the process of losing weight for a little over a year now. I'm not trying to lose it quickly, so I've only lost about 40 lbs since I started. I still look in the mirror and see what I used to. This works in my favor, guys now think I'm hot and because I'm not used to male attention like that I unintentionally blow them off and that turns them on. I win.

11. I can always get a good laugh off of some politically incorrect joke.

12. I once was driving in a parking lot at a local mall. There was a 3 way stop, I stopped first so I was supposed to go first. Anyway, this man in a mini van almost side swiped me. I yelled "Get the fuck out of the way, you ass-cobra!" The mini van's windows were open. The man just looked at me like "What did she just call me?" He was more confused than angry that I was yelling at him.

13. I have no problem making fun of people to their face, especially if I don't know you. I used to go shopping with my roommate. We would get fucked up, walk around and make fun of all the high school kids. I'm a winner.

14. My first time at Bonnaroo I bought some sweet tea and a corn dog at the Dave show. 15 minutes after taking my first sip of the sweet tea I started seeing Jesus in the clouds. That was the best sweet tea I have ever had.

15. Back in college, Rose and I crashed a Bachelor Party. We didn't even know these guys! I ended up almost sleeping with the Bachelor. A friend of ours came into the room and told me it wasn't going to happen. I rolled over and said "You think I'd actually do anything with that tiny thing? Gives a whole new meaning to "shake it like a salt shaker."

16. I never give second chances to people. You fuck me over, I will make your life a living hell. For example...my little sister in the sorority I was in during college. She fooled around with a guy I had been dating on and off for several years, during a time that me and him were together. I made her life so horrible that she transferred schools and decided she was a lesbian.

17. I used to keep Facebook open at work, all day long. Now, they've gone and blocked it. I feel like I'm beating the system by using my phone.

18. The other day while on lunch I went to this convention my employers were having. They had a group of handicapped kids performing a dance. I sat there and didn't know whether or not to laugh or cry. Everyone around me had no problem deciding which one to do...they were fighting back tears.

19. When Rose and I were checking out of our hotel in Baltimore, we had an Indian woman checking us out. She was asking me a question, I didn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. My response was "Huh?!?!?" in a rather loud voice. She asked again. Rather loudly I respond with "WHAT?!?!?" Rose walked off, while she was walking away I finally understood what the woman was saying to me, "Did you enjoy your stay?" My response, "Oh, huh"...I then walked off. One of the groomsmen was sitting at a table in the lobby. He looked at Rose and said, "Yeah, I'd walk off too if she were my friend." The entire lobby heard me acting like a dumbass.
Rose...she knew exactly what the woman was saying to me the entire time.

20. I once had sex within 3 feet of my roommate at the time. Good thing she was passed out drunk.

21. I made out with one of my best girl friends to get a guy away from me at a bar. He was "in love" with me and wouldn't stop dry humping my leg, we weren't even out on the dance floor. I told him I was a lesbian and that my friend was my long-term girlfriend.

22. I once met a guy from Hotornot.com at midnight in a random park, about 2 years ago. Turns out he's a really great guy. I'm actually going over to his place tonight... ;)

23. My friend Luke and I send emails back and forth everyday making fun of the teachers he works with. They send him stupid shit all day long, he sends it to me. I make fun of the person. He laughs. I laugh. Making fun of people, it's what I do best.

24. I don't like to be clothed.

25. I have this problem where I give people horrible looks without realizing that I am doing it. I've actually made a person cry, just by the way I looked at them. It's hard to describe, but trust me...if I don't like you, you can tell it by the look in my eyes...and I'm not shy about it.