guilty

We're probably all offenders of this: sending text messages while inebriated. Sucks when you're the sender. Amazing when you read other peoples drunk texts.

Case in point: www.textsfromlastnight.com

Here are a few of my favorites:

(312): My room smells like vodka and shame

(970): Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(405): I'm drunk
(615): Is that why you're texting me
(405): Yes

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
(1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
(612): could be more
(1-612): absolutely not

(248): is swine flu sexually transmttd?
(313): Ha no, why?
(248): sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad

(817): I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.


delighted none were from me,
Rose

Don't cry over spilled milk....or ping pong

Last night Rose, Lesley and I went to a Table Tennis Tournament aka Tx3. A guy Rose and Lesley work with was playing in the tournament. Apparently yesterday at work he was telling everyone they needed to come because there was going to be free beer. That's all Rose had to tell me...I was there.

Anyway, we show up at the bar where this tournament is happening. The bar is one of those that only plays country music and everything in the place is wooden. To be honest, it kind of looked like you were walking into Tombstone except there were neon lights everywhere advertising some kind of beer.
We walk into the bar assuming it would be like any other bar experience.
First of all, the women sitting at the door were Bud Light girls. No offense to the Bud Light girls, but seriously these girls weren't the smartest. Bud Light girl #1 asked us if we were playing or watching. My mouth dropped. Did she seriously think that us girls were going to be playing in a Tx3. I think not. None of us were even dressed appropriately to be playing. Bud Light girl #2 asked who we were watching. We told her and she said "Well, here's the deal..." This was a "Private Party" and the players were only allowed to bring 3 people. Whatever. The guy we were coming to watch had over invited people. She let us in but we didn't get any free drink tickets. Sad day. But none the less, our Table Tennis player gave us drink tickets.

The games begin. The first game was between two old guys. The second game was some girl and a guy I went to high school with, Jeff. Now, let me explain Jeff to you. He is the cutest Asian guy I have ever seen. He was wearing his sweatband under his hair, so he kind of looked like a mushroom. And Jeff is a genius, but has never been too good at hand/eye coordination or sports. Somehow he managed to win his first game against the girl. I can tell you though that the girl kind of looked like a statue with moving arms. She was not getting into the game at all, she had no passion.

The three of us decide that we need another drink, so we got more drink tickets and headed towards the bar. The games were starting to get a bit boring and we had already seen the guy we came to see play.
The three of us bellied up to the bar to get our drinks, when at almost the same time we all looked to our left. The girl who lost to Jeff was bawling her eyes out, crying at the end of the bar.
We couldn't believe our eyes! We came up with a few plans as to how we could cheer her up, including walking over and giving her a drink...but all we could do was sit and stare, oh and laugh. Seriously girl, it's only PING PONG not a life or death situation. She sat there for like 20 minutes crying until we looked up and she had disappeared.
We started talking to the bartender and bouncers who were behind the bar, this girl had been sitting there crying for like 10 minutes before we sat down. They had been talking about it as well.

Seriously though, who the fuck cries over a game of ping pong? I agree, I would have been disappointed if I had entered this tournament and lost in the first round (especially if I lost to a guy in a sweatband) but I would not have cried over it. Yes, she could have won a trip to Vegas and possibly $100,000...but wow, this girl has some serious issues.

Soon after I was done hitting on one of the bouncers (who we knew from another bar) we left.

Lesson learned. Never, ever cry over a game of ping pong at a bar...if you do, go out to your car and do it!

<3 Your Bff, Jill?

smooth

A guy from work, Tommy, has been pestering me to go bar hopping with him for at least a month. I finally gave in and told him I would go out Saturday night if he remembered to send me a text.

Sure enough, Saturday I received a text "Wanna go out tonight?" I figured why the hell not so I called up a work friend Lesley and asked her to go. Plus, earlier that day I bought a new pair of hot sex black patent Guess pumps that needed to have their debut. (I tried to find a picture, but couldn't)

I planned on going home after the night was over. When I picked up Lesley, I told her the plan, I would drink before we left if she would drive, have one drink at the bar and quit for the rest of the night so I could drive her home.

I started drinking and had a bit of a buzz by the time we made it to DownTown BigCity, we went to two sort of upscale bars that are connected. I like more of laid back place, but Tommy wanted to go so we gave in. We get inside and I immediately had to wait about 15 minutes to pee. Then I made my happy, slightly tipsy, self to the bar and ordered my favorite, Gin and Tonic.

Tommy decides he wants to dance. He is off dancing like a fool (no literally, dancing like a fool. He looked like John Travolta during his Saturday Night Fever days). We make our way to the dance portion of the bar. At the corner of the dance floor there was a little box for the bouncers/drunk women to stand on. Trying to act smooth, I was dancing in front of it and decided to step back onto it. Before I took my first step back and up, I looked at Lesley and said "Now this is how it's done."

I didn't make it.

I am not smooth.

I fell forward and twisted my ankle and was caught by a man with an afro and buck teeth. He was an ugly version of the Reading Rainbow guy, afro flat top included. Thank God I didn't break my ankle new heels. It would have been catastrophic.

AfroMan/ReadingRainbow looked at me after the tumble and said "I've been watching you all night and been waiting for a chance to ask you to dance." I looked at him, snarled my nose and pointed down, "Can't dance, I'm hurt."

Then he starts grinding on Lesley. Not only did I feel humiliated for her because I declined the bozo and he went for her, but I felt bad because HE HAD A BONER. Pure class people, pure class.

Your ankle breaker,
Rose

100th!

ladies & gentlemen, please raise your glass
This is our 100th post!

It's like the 100th day of school in elementary where you bring in 100 of anything, but better. Way better.

We just wanted to take a moment to thank all of our lovely readers for their support, love and dirty comments. You've been with us through our best and worst.

We couldn't have done it without you all!

Love,
IDK, your BFFs,
Rose & Jill

P.S. Sorry we couldn't do some fancy smancy giveaway like most people do at 100, but bitches be broke. We love you anyway.

lucky number eight

Little Woman tagged both of us in an 8 things post!



Up first: Rose

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Retirement
2. Possible mini vacation with Jill in July
3. Moving out of my parent's house
4. Shopping for more LUSH products (I already have what I want picked out!)
5. Having a job I absolutely love. However, at this point I would take having a job I just kind of like
6. Getting married some day
7. Having children (maybe)
8. THE WEEKEND

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Wrote a blog
2. Worked
3. Watched Grey's Anatomy with my sister
4. Ate a SmartOnes dinner because I was too lazy to make anything else
5. threaded my eyebrows
6. Went to McDonald's for breakfast.
7. Got paid (well, it was a midnight, but I'm counting it)
8. Window shopped online (etsy, lush, MAC cosmetics)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Sleep in every single day.
2. Go ahead and retire. I think working is overrated
3. Artistic things like drawing, painting (not to be confused with crafty)
4. Be an excellent cook
5. Have brightly colored tattoo sleeves (with feminine beautiful things like cupcakes and swallows)
6. Own a vintage clothing store or a record/music/coffee shop
7. Backpack across Europe (I've already been to England, but I want to see it all)
8. Be a singer in a band (I'm lacking a little thing called talent)

8 Shows I Watch:
1. LOST
2. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Secret Diary of a Call Girl
5. The Tudors
6. Sex & The City
7. America's Next Top Model
8. Top Chef

Next: Jill

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. THE WEEKEND!!!!!
2. When I turn 49, then I can retire!
3. Getting to know the new boy more (you all will find out more about him later).
4. Moving out of my current apartment and into a house *hopefully*.
5. My next cigarette break, it's coming soon!
6. Summer
7. Of course, the possiblility of going on a mini-vacay with Rose this July!
8. Did I already say the weekend?

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Had IV fluids pumped into me.
2. Wrote a blog.
3. Slept.
4. Called-in to work.
5. Made my mom's Mother's Day present.
6. Passed out in my bathroom.
7. Played the Wii with the boys.
8. Smoked too many cigarettes.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Never work another day in my life.
2. Fall in love.
3. Play the banjo...seriously, it would be great.
4. Buy a house.
5. Be a full-time student for the rest of my life.
6. Get out of debt, stupid student loans.
7. Lose about 30 more pounds.
8. Train a dog successfully...

8 Shows I Watch:
1. Weeds
2. Californication
3. Secret Diary of a Call Girl
4. The United States of Tara
5. Southpark
6. Family Guy
7. House
8. Bones

8 Bloggers We're Tagging:
1. Re-Re
2. Shannon
3. Chelsea
4. Courtney & Christina
5. JayCee Leigh
6. Susan
7. PinkNic
8. Adlibby

Bitches, I'm Back!

I'm not going to go into the long boring stories about how I haven't written and how I suck at life...sorry. I'm just going to jump right into it.

I honestly can't think of a completely horrible date that I've gone on. So, I'm going to tell you about the most random, awkward sexual encounter I have had.

I don't really remember how I met this guy, however I do know that it was online...possibly myspace, classy I know. Anyway, I started talking to this guy because he was from the same city as me, he didn't look too horrible and he was fun to talk to. Eventually it got to the point where he wanted to meet me. Let me just say, I did not have any intentions on meeting him to begin with.

Rose and I were in the middle of finals, so we were both trying to cram in a semesters worth of material in one week. We would go to a larger college's library to study during finals, so we wouldn't get distracted by all the people we knew. One night I had been talking to the guy online when he said that he was at the library we were getting ready to go to. I told him I'd be there in a little bit and if he wanted to wait, he would be able to meet me.

Rose and I ended up meeting this guy at a local pita restaurant. Internet boy decided he needed to go back to the library, where Rose and I were headed anyway. We all walked into the library with our laptops and books and found a table where we could all sit, it was somewhere in the basement. Thanks to wi-fi, we were all able to talk separately without the other knowing what we were saying. Internet boy and I were talking about how we wanted to jump each others bones, Rose and Internet boy were talking about how me and him needed to get a room and I was talking to Rose about how they were talking about me. It was a mess. Every once and a while we would all erupt in laughter

After a few awkward glances upward, Internet boy finally caught my glance. He sent me a message asking me to follow him to the bathroom. I let Rose know what was going on, so she would know where I was and wouldn't worry.

Internet boy got up and a few minutes later, I followed. Rose decided it was too awkward and went outside to smoke a cigarette and call a friend.

Once Internet boy and I got into the bathroom, it was on. We were making out, touching each other in rather inappropriate places and just having a great time. Yes, the random knocks at the door were a downer but overall it was great...until he unzipped his pants.

He was uncircumcised. OK, now don't get me wrong...I know some people like this. I am not one of them. It grossed me out, especially since I had never seen one before.

All I could think to myself was how this guy wanted a blow job. I was completely caught off-guard by all the skin.
This blow job seriously lasted all of 2 minutes. I could not resist the gagging feeling I was getting. Yuck. I was done.

I walked back out to our stuff, told Rose about what was going on and we peaced the fuck out. Internet boy still tries to talk to me now, whenever he does I just laugh...he's apparently in law school and is dating some girl who looks like Anna Nicole Smith.

Good Riddance Internet boy.

-Jill

blowjobs and bathrooms

Under the Influence suggested a post on first/most memorable one night stand. Good topic. I have a couple memorable ones, but one takes the cake.

My first one night stand is also my most memorable. I think I've said it before, but I let Sam cash in on the V-Card so I was "everything but" girl in college (minus a few VERY close encounters with the Douche).

The very first night of college I met some upperclassmen girls (they lived in the room beside me and were actually in the sorority I later joined.) and they invited me to go out with them the first Saturday I was there. First of all, this is a huge no no. You are not allowed to go out with freshman during their orientation week. You are definitely not allowed to take them to a frat house. Being the rule breaker that I was, I went.

We got to the fraternity house and went and hung out in this guy named Brian's room. He was giving drinks away freely, another thing against the rules, no alcohol on campus. Of course, being a BAMF (that is Bad Ass Mother Fucker for those who do not know), I grabbed greedily. It wasn't a big deal for me to drink, I've been drinking since 6th grade, it was however a big deal because I couldn't buy the contraband. (He was 21 and I was a lowly 17, soon to be 18 year old). It was lemonade and vodka; I drank so much of that when I was in college it makes me sick to think about.

Fast forward a couple weeks. Brian and I had this major flirtation thing going on. Brian also had a girlfriend, Anna, who was in said sorority I later joined. Are you all sensing a pattern here? I'm a homewrecker, I guess. (Homewrecking tally that I've written about so far: Douche, Sam and now Brian). I guess I just have no morals. Ok, that is so not true, I was just young and dumb.

Eh, on to the story.

One night after massive amounts of binge drinking I decided I needed some WaHo (that would be Waffle House) in my life. Brian took me and another girl. We got back to campus and he dropped the other girl off at our dorm. He asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him around campus. Sure, why the hell not? It's 3 in the morning and I'm drunk, maybe I should walk around and see if I can get a PI. We ended up walking by the student center on campus.

Brian worked at campus safety in the student center and paged the person on call. I'm not sure what excuse he used on the rent-a-cop, but he let us in the locked building. Next thing I know, we're downstairs and he is leading me into the men's bathroom where we proceeded to hook up. Classy, no? I assume we went into the bathroom because his girlfriend often slept in his dorm room.

After he had his glory we went back to the dorm. His girlfriend was asleep in his bed so I peaced out. If you're gonna be a homewrecker, you gotta keep that shit a secret.

It was a night of firsts: first one night stand (if you will), first time I had ever given a blowjob and the first (and only time) I've ever hooked up in a public bathroom. Although it was my first, he later told me "That was the best head EVER," which is a comment I've heard a couple times.

Just for the record, I know it's pretty filthy... being a mistress hooking up in a very public bathroom in a student center, and the men's room at that!

I guess Anna had an idea what was going on because she badmouthed me to the sorority and I didn't get a bid my freshman year. I'm guessing it was because I was a slut. Here is laughing at her though, as soon as she graduated I got that bid. HAHA.

Dirty Bathroom Whore,
Rose