at least I got a drink out of it.

When I asked the blog for help with topics, The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know was the first to give a topic: "I love dating horror stories. What were your worst dates ever?"

Well, that is easy enough. Mine wasn't really a single it date. It was several forced awkward ones with the same person. I'm sure Jill remembers this all quite well (if she wasn't totally belligerently drunk the entire time. But to be fair, most of that year is a haze for me too) because we got some seriously good laughs out of it.

My senior year of college I dated (and I use this term lightly) a total douche bag. I knew he was a douche bag because he cheated on his girlfriend with me and that is how we got together in the first place. Jill knew he was a douche. All my other friends knew he was a douche. I think that is why I liked him... plus, he was pretty hot. Even my grandma said so. It didn't hurt that he had money and always paid for everything (I was in college and had to beg people for liquor money. Don't judge me.)

When I finally decided that I was over him, I started listening to my Mom. Mom had been trying to get me to go out with this guy named Will since I was about 17 which was about the last time I saw him. So I considered it a blind date.

"You all will get married. I just know it," she said. "You are perfect for each other!" I should have sprinted for the hills then, but being broke I figured,"Hey, free date. At least I can save money on food and buy more alcohol for later!"

You know the story: He called. We chatted a little about my life, a little about his life. He asked me out. We had a date for that Friday; he was to pick me up at my dorm around 8.

I got ready and waited for Will to show up. He called and said he was pulling in front of my dorm. I looked out the window and saw this:



Jill and I gasped. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I knew I was in for it at that very moment. First of all, that truck was a little to country for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I'm a born and bred country girl but really, a flat bed? What the fuck is the purpose of that? The only other person I knew with one was my 94 year old grandfather and even he didn't have a use for it!

I gave Will the benefit of the doubt and walked out to meet him. I grabbed onto the "oh shit" handle and hoisted myself up into that bad boy.

"I was thinking about the Logan's in BigTown for dinner and possibly a bar after." Will said. I told him that was fine and picked up my cell phone to text Jill that he wasn't horrendous and he seemed decent enough.

We got to dinner and he told me to go ahead and order a drink first. "I'll have a tall Amber Bock," I said. He just gave me a look that screamed LUSH. "I'll have a Coors light... in a bottle. I don't need a tall one." Uh oh. Awkward. We started chatting about life or something.

Then he drops the first bomb: BOOM "I'm 33." WOAH. Momma hooked me up with someone 12 years older than me? What could I possibly have in common? Before I had time to fully register that he had hit puberty before I was born, BOOM bomb number 2... "The longest relationship I've ever had was 6 weeks." AND YOU'RE 33?? I had relationships longer than that in middle school! I knew it couldn't possibly work and I wanted to get the fuck out of there. Plus, the dinner was coming to an end and I was itching to get back to campus to drink with my friends.

"So, Rose, about that bar?" Well, I felt obligated. It was 8:30 and I couldn't feign being tired. So he takes me someplace that looks like this:



I guess he listened when I told him that Jill and I frequented the shady bar up the road. Although we did go often, we went for free drinks and we were friends with the bar tender. That is not the type of place you take a girl on a first date.

About 15 minutes into I fed him a line of bullshit along the lines of "I have a bit of a headache and have to study for my senior thesis first thing in the morning." Like I would ever get up on a Saturday morning to study!

He drove me back and asked me if I would like to go out Tuesday night. For once in my life I couldn't come up with an excuse.

Tuesday came and I fucking felt obligated to go. I told him I had more studying to do (total lie, I had drinking plans) and that we should go to the Applebees in CollegeTown. After more forced and awkward conversation he took me back to my dorm. When he parked to let me out of the car he scooted himself next to me. First of all, I find sitting that close to someone that I don't care for extremely uncomfortable. Second of all, I knew what was next...

He kissed me. I felt like I was frenching my 5 year old dog. His tongue was everywhere. I've been throwing up drunk and had better kisses then that one.

So, he calls me on the following Saturday and I answered. My thoughts will be in italics.
Will: How are you?
Rose: Well and yourself? like I give a fuck
Will: Great! I can't wait to see you again. Oh, shit. Oh shit. He is going to ask me out again. What did you do last night?
Rose: Well, Jill and I went to our bar. Got pretty drunk. I headed back to the dorm. Jill being the Lush that she is stayed with the boys she met that night. One of the boys called me from Jill's phone and asked me to come over. They picked me up and we hung out until about 8 this morning.
Will: Well. This obviously isn't going to work out. We're in two completely different stages in our lives. You want to party too much.
Rose: Okay. Bye.

Then later that night he called me: "Rose, I'm drunk. I've been drinking since I talked to you earlier today. I'm upset. I thought this could really be something. I just don't understand why you aren't interested. When you graduate college will you be ready to settle down?" HE JUST KEPT GOING. No wonder his longest relationship was 6 weeks! "Well, Will. I'm not really sure. It sure has been real though!"

And that was that. Apparently during the span of our first and second date he stopped by my parent's house and had a drink with them and talked to them for quite a while about my beauty, my wit, and who the hell knows what else.

I had to explain to Mom that we were just in two different places. Plus I've had bottles of lube and periods that lasted longer than his entire relationship.

My Mom still brings him up. "Whatever happened with you and Will? I was so sure you would hit it off!"

Sure, Mom. If I wanted to date a clinger.

Still a drunk,
Rose

help us!

Jill & I have been in the mood to write amazing blogs lately but we have a little problem:

Writer's Block.

Yes, it's true. We are having trouble coming up with delightfully inappropriate things to post on. We need a little boost to get our blogging hiatus behind us.

So we ask this of you, dear readers:

What do you want us to write about??
Leave us comments with topics for the blog and we'll write on it! It really doesn't matter how inappropriate it is! Nothing is really too taboo for Rose & Jill.

Please, just help some girls out!

See ya real soon,
Rose

Well, it's time again...

Time for a TMI post. But it's worth it (I think.) Informative and funny. Can't get much better...

So since my hormones have gone all buck nasty crazy with switching birth controls my armpits decided to follow. Yes, ladies and gents, you read it right, Rose here has some sweaty pits. Well, until last weekend.

I had tried seriously everything: Secret, Secret Clinical, some Secret with lotion, Mitchum, Dove, the list goes on. I seriously have about ten deodorants right now that I'll probably never use.

Nothing was cutting it. I was in my second week of wearing jackets that covered up cute shits because of pit stains when I started to get pissed. I was about 2 minutes away from calling the Dr. to get some prescription B.O. Control (Ok, they don't stink, just extra wet but I liked the way B.O. & control rhyme).

Then I got on Walgreens website and did a little searching and the Clouds of Heaven opened up and showed me Certain-Dri. 72 hours of coverage? Seriously, 72 hours without putting it on again? I was sold.

I marched my happy ass to the CVS in town (We don't have a Walgreens in SmallTown). I bought the CVS equivalent, Ultra Dry, since I've spent about $50 on deodorant the past couple weeks. Then I got the Certain-Dri Morning refresher business because why the hell not? I've already dropped what seemed like enough cash for a new iPod.

I got home and read the instructions: Don't use after shaving or bathing. Luck still on my side, I had bathed that morning. I took my shirt off and applied "sparingly."

or so I thought...

After a few minutes my arm pits started to tingle. Moments later my arm pits were starting to get hot. Then it felt like they were on fire. I had put so much on it literally scorched my skin. I had to sleep with my arms out to the side because I couldn't stand fabric on them.

By the next morning I had a chemical burn. Fucking awesome. At least there was no sweat. By that night I still didn't have any sweat. Or the next day. Or the next! Even though I had showered (it doesn't come off!) and shaved! I've used it for a week now and let me just say, it really does work for 3 days.

The moral of the story is : Sparingly = One swipe.

FirePits,
Rose

Easy Money: Snail Herd at Home!

As you all know, my life has a been a bit hectic as of late but the good news is I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things! Meaning: I'll post more often and start commenting :)

I've been meaning to post this for quite a long time, but keep forgetting. One day I was on our email [delightfullyinappropriates(at)yahoo.com]. I was writing a blog and accidentally clicked the subject button. To my surprise, it filled in a subject for me. So, I clicked it again. A new subject popped up. I bet I spent AT LEAST an hour clicking that fucking button.

Not only is it perfect for people like me that can never figure out what to write in that damn space but they're funny too! I've decided from now on when I can't think of a blog title, I'm using that subject button bitch. Here are a few of my favorites (and of course, what I thought when I read them):

open air hubhub or underwater sub snub?
By far my favorite. Plus it is super fun to say.

dog snoring: better than a good haircut
I'm going to disagree on this one.

girls, are, wicked awesome
someone missed the day in elementary school that was dedicated to the comma.

I Brake for Unicorns
Ditto.

Early bird gets the worm. But what about the early worm?
It dies.

I'd love to but I'm building a pig from a kit.
This is way better than saying "Sorry, I'm washing my hair"

Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
I couldn't have said it better myself

We have located your pants
THANK JESUS! been wondering about them for DAYS

Who drank my crystal pepsi?
Someone in the 1980s

Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
Oh HELLS YES.

Go ahead, try it. It will change your life. It's worth it, I swear!

Kinda like Desmond from Lost but not saving the world,
Rose

finally at rest.

My Papa passed away this morning very peacefully. I took off work yesterday because I knew the end was near, and I have never been so thankful in my life. Around 3 this morning he was experiencing some apnea and eventually quit breathing around 5. It was just like he was asleep. My Mom & sister said they have seen several people die and have never seen someone go so easily which brings a lot of peace to me & my family/

The night before last around 1 in the morning, we had a "family reunion" as he called it around his bed. He was very lucid so we took advantage of the situation. It was the most precious time I've ever spent with a person. He told us he loved us, was proud of us, everything that he hadn't really said that often (Papa was a very, very private man and much like my father, doesn't display his emotions). He looked at my sister and said "I love you" then looked at Dad and said "But I love him the most." It was something my father has waited a long time to hear.

Around 2, I was sitting by his bed and I asked him how he was "I've been a bad boy" he said. I asked him why and he said "I was at the barn with my brothers but I left because I didn't do it!" He had a sparkle in his eye and looked and acted just like a child. I guess he was remembering a time when he and his 3 brothers had been in trouble growing up. I couldn't help but smile.

We knew our time speaking to him was up so my Dad asked him if he wanted to lay down. Papa said "No, I just want to enjoy my last day here." He drifted off to sleep soon after and didn't wake up again. He opened his eyes a couple times yesterday and nodded his head, but he slept almost the entire day.

Obviously, we're all having a difficult time with this... especially Dad. However, we all know that he is in a much better place, had an amazing life, loved his family more than he could ever tell us and went very peacefully. That is all we could ever ask for.

Here are some of my favorite interesting tid-bits of information on my grandfather.

--Papa was a real life cowboy. He lived in Oklahoma until he went to college. He said the hardest thing he ever had to learn how to do was to sleep in a saddle.
--He was fluent in an Indian language (Choctaw, I think) and spoke it to us all of the time growing up. We never knew what the hell he was saying. He was also fluent German and I'm pretty sure Latin. He knew bits and pieces of other languages as well
--He received his Ph.D. in Organic Chemistry in 1939, four years after graduating college. Yes, he skipped his master's!
--Papa had his first article published in a prestigious chemical magazine in 1938. Yep, before he was even a Dr.!!!!
--He worked at Kodak. While there he had at least 8 published articles (that I could find). He was granted 14 patents by the US & Canada in his first 6 years. Dad said he has upwards of 50 patents. Seriously, my grandfather was an inventor!
--He is one of the men (I believe there were 4 total) who perfected color film as we know it. We can all think Pops for no longer only having black & white photographs!
--He worked on the Manhattan Project. He mixed some of the chemicals such as the Uranium.

The funeral is Monday. Instead of mourning his death, I've decided to celebrate his life. Please pray for my family during these times. I know we'll be alright, we are at peace with his death.

Love,
Rose

Here is a lovely waste of 2 minutes...You're welcome =]

Hey Y'all!

Sorry, I've been a blog procrastinator, again...

Not a lot has been going on here in Kentucky, minus the weather!
It seriously was 70 degrees one day, the next it was 30 degrees and snowing!! Talk about messing with one's allergies, mine have been all over the place for the past two weeks.
Today it's raining and we have the chance for severe storms.

Hope you enjoyed the weather report...

I'm pretty stoked because the Avett Brothers are coming to my hometown in June! I've been needing to go to a show, and this one will be a great one to get back into the swing of going to shows! Plus--I got second row seating!
If you don't know who the Avett Brothers are, you should. Check them out on Myspace, or you can go here.
Here is a picture of them...



If you can't tell, I'm in a really good mood today. Today, being Good Friday, I only have to work a half-day. As of right now I have 2 hours to go! I get to get out of here at 11am, kudos to me for getting here at 7am this morning.

I know this has been a really random post from yours truly, but thank you for sticking with me. I'm trying to get back into the groove.

-Jill

bad things really do come in threes

You know when you get so tired you can't sleep? I'm going through that right now. I haven't slept since Wednesday night. I apologize in advance if this doesn't make much sense but I just need to vent and get this off my chest because right now I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams. Mostly I'm asking you all for prayers, karma, vibes, whatever you do, for me & my family. The rest of this post is about what is going on and is extremely long.

Sister (who is a nurse) quit her job at a nursing home to stay home with my 96 year old (97 this month!) grandfather, Papa. Obviously, since he's 96 he has some issues. He was starting to fall, wasn't really eating well (or at all for that matter), he is losing his vision, etc. My Dad goes over to his house everyday for cocktail hour and has since my GaGa died when I was 2.

Papa had to live with us for about a year when I was in 6th grade because he had Dursban poisoning (which is a spray for termites, I believe. The person applied it wrong and he couldn't figure out why he was sick until too late). He had less than a 5% chance of survival then and he pulled through. The only thing that changed was his voice and he sounds fuzzy now; I have a hard time understanding a lot of what he says. He got sick a couple months ago and again, pulled through. He is very independent (minus driving because he is losing his sight) and he wanted to live on his own. My Dad noticed he was becoming malnourished so he started making breakfast for him every morning and my mom cooks his dinner. They also started him on an appetite stimulant. He started getting worse off which is why Sis is now staying with him. Sister and I went grocery shopping for him on Saturday and seriously bought every single fattening food we could find. Papa is close to 6 feet tall and is 117 pounds with clothes (I told him he makes models jealous!). His legs are the size of my wrist, he looks what I imagine a holocaust victim would look like.

So Sis and I were talking Tuesday night and she mentioned that she didn't see Papa pee at all on Monday or Tuesday and she was there for over 8 hours each day. We just figured maybe it was because he is dehydrated and malnourished. She called me around noon on Wednesday to tell me that Papa was getting sick and laying down. We chit-chatted for a bit then I went back to work. I got a text message around 4 "Taking Papa to the hospital by ambulance, too sick to go by car." I called her to see what the hell was going on. Apparently, in the span of a couple hours he became extremely ill and my sister felt she couldn't care for him. I asked her if I should come to the hospital and she told me that Dad had canceled his patients for the rest of the day; which meant yes.

I got to the hospital and they had him hooked up to an IV and a chest monitor. He has pneumonia and congestive heart failure. They admitted him to the hospital and several hours later my parents told me and Sis to go on home, everything would be fine. Sis and I went out to dinner and on our way home Sis got a call from Mom saying we needed to come back to the hospital. I got out of the car and Sis told me to get dressed, we needed to go back because he had taken a turn for the worse and may not make it through the night.

Now I don't know what you believe so this may sound strange: I believe in spirits. I always have, especially since living in my house (remember, its 200 years old and has had my entire family live and die in it). I believe it is someone who hasn't gone to heaven yet, waiting in a limbo of sorts for loved ones or whatever it is that is holding them. Someone once told me that to move a spirit from one place to another, they have to go with someone who is alive. When I went upstairs to change out of my work clothes, I started talking, mostly it was to my grandmother. I told her that I thought Papa was going to die and if she wanted to go to the hospital then I was leaving in a couple minutes and that Papa hadn't seen her in over 20 years so I'm sure she is the first person he would want to see.

So I got to the hospital and Papa really had taken a turn for the worse. He was laying lifeless. As soon as I walked into the room I started to cry. Everyone told me to talk to him but I didn't know what to say. I've never said a goodbye to someone dying. My other grandfather and step-grandfather died suddenly. I finally choked out "I love you" and he looked at me and said "I love you too." I didn't know what to do so I just left the room. My Dad was changing him to a DNR because there was no way he would survive CPR or paddles. I waited while Dad did that and we went outside to sit in the car so I could smoke and calm down. I went in and talked to him a couple more times, but mostly just stayed in the car with Mom. Around 2 in the morning, Mom told me to go home. I tried to sleep but couldn't

He lived through the night. I stayed with him some on Thursday, I couldn't go to work. He ate a bit, talked a bit, I bathed him and it seemed like he was getting better. So much that no one stayed the night with him last night. Turns out that was a mistake because he tried to get out of the bed and fell. Now he has a couple skin tears to add to the bed sore we noticed developing yesterday. Today I went to work for a little bit to get some things done but I felt that I was needed elsewhere.

I stayed with him for about 6 hours today while the rest of my family was running their errands and sleeping. He kept trying to get out of bed. I guess he thought we were at home because he kept wanting to go to the kitchen and the den. Apparently when he fell the other night it was because he wanted to go into the living room because he heard us talking. One point he looked at me and said "I don't understand why no one else is here and they are all in the other room. I think they forgot about me. Let's go find them." I couldn't help it but I started to cry. I explained to him for what felt like the millionth time that we were in the hospital. He just said "I know where we are." Then he told me to "Shut the hell up" which is soooo not my Papa. Since he kept trying to get out of the bed we had the nurses give him something that would make him sleep or at least stop trying to get up. He had one around noon today.

By about 3:30 I couldn't keep him in the bed. He's so weak and I can't support him. I called the nurse and asked for more meds and she told me "No, not until 8 tonight. He is very old and we can't risk giving him too much." I looked at her and said "I understand you have to tell me that but you need to call Dr. B immediately and tell him that I want him to be able to take it every FOUR hours or PRN." She just kind of looked at me because I was a bitch, but seriously, I have a 96 year old who is malnourished and fighting me "to go to the kitchen." Needless to say, we got it.

Dad came in around 6. I helped Dad feed Papa dinner and explained how Papa was starting to get very agitated with me because he wanted to get out of the bed. Well, apparently after I left all hell broke loose. He tried to hit Dad. He kicked my brother in the chest. My sister had to go to the hospital 2 hours ago to have him completely sedated. This just isn't him. When Sis went in tonight he was asking where I was. She said when she was in the room that she thought GaGa was in there. She said it looked like Papa was holding someones hand and rubbing their back with his other hand.

It's inevitable that he will pass this time. It's just been so damn hard. While I was watching him the Hospice nurse came in to introduce herself to me and to get to know my Papa a little better. I explained to her that my mother was home preparing a room for him and all of that. We'll be moving him home from the hospital sometime this weekend because that is where he would want to die.

It's just harder than I ever imagined. I've never seen someone dying. I've never seen someone who doesn't know what is going on. My Dad is being so strong and I just don't know how he is doing it. I've cried nonstop since Wednesday and my Dad is just stoic. He looked at the doctor on Wednesday when he asked what the plan was and said "I think it's time to change him to DNR. He's old. He's tired. He's ready to go." I just can't imagine EVER saying that about one of my parents.

I don't know what else to say. I'm exhausted. I can't sleep and when I do I just have nightmares. I'm trying to stay strong. I just didn't know it was so hard.

-Rose